TGIFBLW

It's Friday on the eve of a long weekend. Thank the lord for Labour day.

I'm still pretty much obsessed and crazy. Even though I've restricted my internet useage (okay, yeah, I've cheated a few times so sue me), I'm still thinking, planning and plotting about getting pregnant and being pregnant pretty much every second of the day. In fact, for a good portion of the day today, I actually managed to convince myself that I am indeed pregnant right now. I took positive thinking one step further! It's kind of funny actually; intellectually I know how crazy and obsessive I'm being, but it doesn't stop me from being crazy and obsessive!

Yesterday I felt a few very minor cramps and shifting around my lower abdomen but today, nothing. Of course it's only 2 DPO and it's silly to think I'd be feeling anything yet. The fact that I'm even analyzing what I'm feeling at this point is so beyond stupid because I know there's no way I'd have any symptoms prior to implantation. Oh well, I think on some level it's fun to imagine this stuff. It's hope in the extreme. And if I hope and believe enough, perhaps it will happen.

Work today was so long and dull. Minutes crept along and felt like months, each one. At quarter to five, my boss announced that we would be having a short (yeah right) staff meeting. Much to my suprise though, it didn't take that long and I was on my merry way headed for home before I knew it. And now I've got three glorious days off work! Sweet mercy! Here's hoping that time continues to go slowly for the next three days!

Cold Turkey

I am so done with the internet. I have been in a constant researching frenzy, obsessing about every little piece of information I find. "Should I load up on pineapple?" "Should I abstain from activity?" "Should I be worried about my progesterone levels?" "Should I wonder about the sugar molecules on the surface of my uterus???" OMG it's all too much.

As of right now, I am restricting my internet usage to shopping, email, photos and this blog. I am driving myself crazy!

The internet is great when you need an answer. You can find so much information just a click away. The bad thing about the internet is that for people like me who over-research everything, you end up getting good answers, bad answers and everything in between. It's way too much info. Everyone's an expert.

I am obsessing. Obsessing is making me crazy. The craziness is making me stress out. The stress is probably decreasing my chances of getting pregnant this cycle. (Although from what I've read on the internet, the stress factor is just a myth...ha ha...)

That's it. I'm done. For better or worse, no more internet research even remotely related to pregnancy. Starting now!

The Heat Is On - Welcome To The 2WW

I woke up this morning (after dreaming about checking my temperature all night - seriously!) to discover that my temp had jumped up from 96.9 to 97.9 - a whole degree! If that's not an ovulation rise, I don't know what is.

My only concern is that my temp had been at 97.9 already earlier in my cycle, and I was always under the impression that the rise had to be at least 3-tenths ABOVE what it had been at any other point in the cycle. But then I looked online at other chart examples, and I noticed that not all ovulation rises (at least the first temp in the rise) were above all the previous temps. In fact, this case seemed more the norm than the exception.

Anyway, I'm happy to announce that I'm officially in the 2WW. Today is 1 DPO. I feel good about it. We certainly had enough sex so I think our chances this cycle are as good as they can be!

Now I'm going to focus my mental efforts on implantation. I'm going to try to take it easy over the next week and get plenty of rest, to encourage that little egg to decide that my uterus will make a good home! I'm not sure what else I can do to be proactive here.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to up my chances of a successful implantation?

Analyze This

I've been paying far too much attention to everything I'm feeling today. I'm not sure if I am imagining it or not, but I think I have felt the smallest amount of lower-abdominal pain throughout the course of the day, along with some pretty serious bloating. It's not really even pain, really; more like pressure with the occasional twinge of feeling like there's a stitch in my side (except instead of being in my side, it's in my lower abdomen). These feelings are very distant too, barely noticable. But of course, I'm over-analyzing everything today, so maybe I'm just being crazy.

If you're reading this blog and you've ever experienced ovulatory pain, please comment and let me know what it feels like. I'd really appreciate any advice!

***And THANK YOU SO MUCH to all those who have left comments for me in general. Your comments have meant the world to me and I absolutely LOVE reading them. Keep 'em coming!***

Getting Closer

Yesterday after work, I rushed home, thirsty and bladder full, to use my very last Ovulation Test Strip. It came up a definite positive. No question. The test line and the control line looked identical.

OK, so that means I will ovulate sometime between this morning at 6am and tomorrow at 6pm, right? We had sex last night, first thing this morning, and we'll do it again before bed tonight. But that's it. I promised D that after tonight, he could have a break. I've tapped him out, I'm afraid; we will have done it 10 times in 8 days!! That's a record for us!

I am a little concerned that I didn't wake up this morning with an elevated temp. In fact, my temp was lower than it has ever been this morning at 96.9. I know I'm being totally impatient, but I'm on CD 19 now I'd like to get on with it. I'll be happy if I wake up tomorrow with anything above 98.0.

Notably, I think I had some ovulatory spotting yesterday. I noticed a very slight brownish-tinge when I wiped a couple of times.

Alright, alright, again I need to remind myself to chill out. We're doing everything we can do and I might as well just try to relax. They'll be plenty of time to get all stressed out again once I'm in the 2WW!

Just Around The Corner?

This morning I woke up and decided to use one of my last OPK test strips (I'm out of the First Response Tests, and I'm not sure I trust them because they were pretty much positive all the time anyway). I've never had an OPK test strip turn positive, however. Until today that is. At least I think it was positive. Part of the line was way darker and brighter than the control line, but part of it was faded. Anyway, it was the darkest it has ever been for me, so I took that as a "positive" sign. I'm on CD 18 here so ovulation has got to be just around the corner! My only concern is that I tested in the morning and I read that you're not supposed to use morning urine (although it was not my "first" morning urine). I don't know if morning urine would result in a false positive or false negative. Anyway, of course I'll test later this afternoon and see what happens.

Poor D. He has been attacked relentlessly since CD 12. He usually enjoys sex, even begs me for it. But the last few days have been hard for him, as it's been more like a death march than sweet lovin'. Ah well, not much longer now. I'm thinking today will be the last day. My last cycle I ovulated on CD 19, PLUS it's a full moon tomorrow, so I think (hope) that I will wake up tomorrow with an elevated temp!

Nope, Not Yet

Well, that two-tenths-of-a-degree jump wasn't ovulation after all. When I woke up yesterday morning, my temp took a dive seven-tenths-of-a-degree, almost as low as it has been all cycle. And this morning, my temp was one-tenth even lower than yesterday! I'm thinking maybe this is the "dip before the rise" I've heard so much about.

Ah drat. I've only got two more Pre-seeds left and I wanted to do it at least three more times this cycle. Unfortunately, none of the stores near my house have it. I thought would have enough for this cycle, but we ended up using two instead of one a few times. Oh well, at least I'm only one short. Could be worse.

I had my second acupuncture appointment yesterday. This time I saw Dr. T (not as hot as Dr. S, but very nice indeed). This appointment was much more enjoyable than the first one; the needles didn't elicit such a dramatic response and the time seemed to pass really quickly. Also, while I was lying there, instead of music, they played some really soothing affirmations. Some of them struck such an emotional chord that I even started to cry a little.

After the appointment, I had lunch with my parents and then went to Whole Foods with L. We had a great afternoon of shopping, I absolutley love Whole Foods. I only experienced a little bit of sadness when I discovered that L is very slightly starting to show. It made me sad because that's where I would have been right now; just starting to get a baby belly.

Oh well, I keep announcing to D that "we ARE getting pregnant THIS CYCLE" (ha ha as if I have some modicum control over it!). At least we are having quite a bit of well-timed sex, which can't hurt the odds. That, coupled with the Clomid, Metformin, acupuncture, red raspberry leaf tea, supplements, full moon, and everything else, I'd like to think we have as good of a shot as ever!

Anyone have any ideas for how to maximize our chances further?

Take a Chill Pill

Total confusion.

Today, I tested again with both OPKs. This time the results were clearly negative. I'm really trying to figure out what happened here. Is it possible that the small (2 tenths-of-a-degree) jump in temperature yesterday meant that I ovulated? If that's the case, then our timing was very good, considering we had sex twice the day before the rise and once the day before that. It's all so confusing. Just when I thought I had a handle on what was happening, I'm all confused again. Now I know why they say on the test that once you get a positive result, stop testing for that cycle. That makes sense because continuous testing results in complete confusion.

Oh well. If I ovulated, well that's great because our timing was good. If I haven't yet, well that's great too because it means there's still time to get in some more lovin'. I seriously, seriously need to chill out about this. I've been stressing over this process and it can't be helping things. It's probably best to just continue having sex as much as possible until I know what's what.

I had a lovely breakfast with L this morning. She called me right out of the blue, which was so great. I talked with her a bit about how I'm having trouble picturing being pregnant, like there's part of me that doesn't believe it will happen. She made a very good point in saying that it probably has a lot to do with self-preservation and self-protection. I should stop beating myself up about not being able to visualize being pregnant. It's going to happen.

OPK vs. Test Strip Showdown

OK so yesterday I tested again with both brands of OPKs. This time I used the same sample of urine and watched intently to see what happened.

The Results:

The First Response Ovulation Test showed a confusing result. Half of the test line was every bit as dark as the control line. However, the line seemed as though it was cut down the middle and the other half was only almost as dark as the test line. Note that the line was dissected lengthwise (as if cutting a hair), not widthwise (as if splitting a hair). I considered it a positive.

The early-pregnancy-tests.com LH Ovulation Test Strip was again, a negative result. Noteably, however, this time the test line seemed much darker than the previous day's result, but not darker than the control line.

I'm pretty sure that when I re-test this afternoon, I will get a definite positive on both tests. (Here's hoping!)

Either way, D and I are proceeding on schedule, under the assumption that I will indeed ovulate within the next 2-3 days or so.

Another note: My temperature shot up two tenth-of-a-degrees higher than it has been all cycle this morning. I don't think this is an ovulation rise but I'm kinda confused about it. Of course, it has been warm outside lately, and I did wake up sweating last night, and had to throw all my covers off. I wonder if the weather can have an affect on your BBT? Anyone know?

I've got another busy weekend in front of me. Going to a movie (Superbad) tonight with friends, dinner with my parents tomorrow, morning coffee with another friend and my second acupuncture appointment on Sunday...

...and of course, as much sex as possible!

OPKonfusion

I had my very first acupuncture appointment thing this morning. I met with Dr. S, who was very nice, and very handsome, if I do say so. We talked for about an hour about my history and he answered all my millions of questions. We talked about some options, IUI being one of them. I am really hoping it doesn't come to that. He also suggested that I use an OPK and said that his clinic sells them at 10 sticks for $18. I had already purchased some First Response Ovulation Predictor Tests and thought, why not, that's a great price, I'll just get some more.

The acupuncture was cool, weird and really fascinating all at once. The needles don't hurt at all going in, they seem like they're the size of a hair. However, when they are manipulated, all sorts of strange sensations happen. At one point, Dr. S put a needle on top of my big toe and I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my entire body and out my fingertips. Really, really weird feeling. Then, I had to lie there with all those needles in me for about a half an hour, with a heat lamp over me to warm up the needles (I guess). After it was over, I didn't feel that much different, I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but throughout the rest of the day I have felt very vague sensations at the points where the needles were. I go back for the next appointment on Sunday, which will be more in-depth I'm told.

When I got home after work, I used a First Response ovulation test and it came up very definitely positive. Then, D got home, so I attacked him accordingly. Afterwards, I used one of the ovulation test strips that I got from Dr. S, and it was very definitely NEGATIVE. I am so confused right now, I don't know what to think. I even called the number on the First Response brochure and inquried as to what was going on. They only said that they can't comment on the other test, but the First Response test is accurate at a rate of 98.5%. I'm going to take her at her word and continue attacking D as if I'm going to ovulate within the next few days.

Pins & Needles

L mentioned to me that she came across an acupuncture clinic that specializes in fertility-related issues, specifically PCOS. I've never had acupuncture and I didn't even realize that such a thing existed. I called them and amazingly, they were able to squeeze me in for tomorrow! Usually it's a two-month wait but they had a cancelation (a sign, perhaps? not that I'm putting any faith in signs anymore). I'm so unbelievably excited. I was looking at their website and they have treated tons of women with fertility-related problems with a great deal of success. Plus (this got me really excited), when I booked my appointment and told them where I was at with my cycle, they told me it would be "perfect timing" for acupuncture treatment. Yay! Hope!

In other news, I went and had a Brazilian wax on my lunch break today. No, it wasn't pleasant, but since D and I are going to do it as much as possible between this Wednesday and next, I thought it was necessary. I must say, it's been awhile since I've been waxed down there and it is quite the odd sensation. I look pre-pubescent. Sorry, TMI.

I canceled my next therapy appointment because I didn't think I could get enough time off work to go to therapy AND the acupuncture appointment. And unfortunately, I couldn't reschedule because my therapist is going on holidays for a couple of weeks so I'll have to see her when she gets back. It's OK, actually, I'm feeling a lot better these days. I'm certainly a lot more hopeful and optimistic now that we can finally start trying again.

Also, my temp dipped down this morning (exactly like it did during the cycle I got pregnant), which makes me think that everything is moving along in the right direction. Dare I say, everything seems to be on track!

Part Two

OK, I'm actually starting to feel really stupid about how resentful I was at L. I look back at what I wrote a couple of weeks ago, and it seems so silly now. How could I not have realized that L knew that seeing her and talking to her would be hard for me. She told me that she was avoiding contacting me and letting me make the first move, because, as she said, if the tables were turned, she wouldn't have wanted to talk to me. She also told me today that she has been mourning my loss and the fact that we are not able to go through our pregnancies together. She said it has been really sad for her. It hadn't even occurred to me that she might have been affected by what's happened too.

Anyway, I just wanted to say again that I am so glad that we've rekindled our friendship. She is a very special friend and I'm so happy I've come to my senses and realized that. I just want to put all the negativity and anger I've felt behind me. It's time to start fresh all around.

I'll Will

I had a lovely breakfast with L today. It was so nice to catch up. We had an excellent talk about absolutely everything. I even confessed to her that I felt really angry with her at times, because I was so jealous and resentful that she was experiencing a successful pregnancy and I wasn't. Suprisingly, she totally understood. I feel fantastic about seeing her this morning and I'm so glad to have L back in my life again. I'm thrilled and relieved that our friendship will indeed weather this storm after all.

As per my last post, I am absolutely determined to get pregnant on the next cycle. Let's see if sheer will, combined with Clomid, timing, full moon, Pre-seed and an OPK can make it happen. We got pregnant on the first round of Clomid [that made me ovulate] the last time around, so I'm determined to do it this time too! It's going to happen!

Speaking of Clomid, no moodiness yet, but I was very emotional during my breakfast with L this morning. I think tears are really close to the surface these days anyway.

We can start actually "trying" on Wednesday.

Baby making here we come!

Absotively Posalutely

Thank goodness it's Friday. What a long week it's been.

I've got a busy weekend coming up but at least I can sleep in and relax a bit. I am supposed to get together with L this weekend, which I am looking forward to and not looking forward to all at the same time. It will be nice to catch up, but seeing her, I have no doubt, will be a painful reminder of where I should have been in my pregnancy.

Speaking of getting pregnant, I have been temping since the start of this cycle. I temped the cycle I got pregnant as well, and I found it to be incredibly helpful. If you are reading this and TTC-ing and wondering if temping is for you, let me tell you: It is extremely valuable. It was so nice to see that I did indeed ovulate and know exactly when. I love having some frame of reference as to where I'm at with my cycle. Although a lot of the information is only useful in hindsight, it's totally worth it. I can't believe I didn't do it sooner.

I thought my temps so far this cycle seemed a bit high, compared to those of my last (pregnant) cycle. But when I calculated the mean temp, it was exactly the same as before. Plus, I looked online for other charts and I am right where I should be.

Let's face it: I am totally obsessed with getting pregnant. I probably think about it 200 times a day. I plan my whole life around it. It might be a good thing for me to let up a little. But how? It feels like an elusive dream I am so close to obtaining. It's all I want in the whole world!

The worst is when I'm stuck in work meetings. My mind wanders to thoughts of pregnancy and babies almost immediately. It's a complete miracle that I ever get anything else done.

I'm trying to think positively here. Scratch that, I AM thinking positively here. I WILL get pregnant. I WILL have a healthy baby. It WILL be very soon! It WILL it WILL it WILL!!!

Here's why:
-I got pregnant before.
-There is no reason to think that a miscarriage will happen again.
-I am keeping myself pretty darn healthy these days, eating right and exercising.
-I am on Clomid, which forces me to ovulate.
-We will actively time our intercourse accordingly (boot camp!).
-Despite the PCOS, I think I am actually quite naturally fertile.
-The full moon is on my side.
-We want it. We're ready.

It's GOING to happen. Ya hear that, Universe???

No Fair

I haven’t written in the past two days, and I’ve got no excuse other than just being busy. It seems like I’ve had something to do every single night this week. I’m happy to start getting out in the world again, especially after such a long stretch of hiding at home. So far, no moodiness from the Clomid, but of course, it’s still way too early for that. Next week should be interesting.

I started feeling a bit depressed again today. I overheard my boss congratulating my pregnant coworker. Everyone gathered around to chat about it. “Have you picked out any names yet?”…”When are you due?”…”Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”… She is so excited about her pregnancy and everyone is always talking about it. It’s really hard for me. Only a few people in my office know about my recent miscarriage and no one understands how painful it is to hear so much detail about someone else’s successful pregnancy, when yours is long lost. My pregnant coworker mentioned to me in passing today that she saw the heartbeat yesterday on her first ultrasound. It felt like a knife through my heart.

I honestly wonder if I will always feel this way. Even after I have my own baby, will I still feel this pain?

I don’t understand why this has happened to me. I have always tried to be a good person. What did I do to deserve all this?

Den and I are going to see another open house after work today. I can’t get the idea of moving out of my head. Maybe it’s because if we find a new place that is significantly cheaper than our current place, then there is a chance I can start working part-time hours or maybe quit working altogether. Cutting back on work would help things immensely. I’m barely keeping everything together on most days and it would be wonderful to just concentrate on recovering and feeling better for awhile.

I’ll keep dreaming. I doubt that cutting back on work anytime soon is a very likely possibility. I give it a 5% chance.

Ah well. Ho hum.

Clomid, Christmas & Condos

Things seem to be getting a little better everyday. I can't think of one thing I have to complain about right now. Not one!

I had a busy day at work, and at lunch, I went to get my last Beta HCG blood test. I don't think I really needed to get it since my period finally started, but I thought it couldn't hurt just to make sure everything is in order. I'll be starting the Clomid tonight anyway, no matter what.

Last time I was on Clomid, I was SO moody. It was so strange. Intellectually, I knew I was being totally irrational, but it didn't matter; emotionally I was inconsolable. I sobbed for, like, two days straight! Well, okay, I didn't sob continuously - there was some screaming and yelling in there too. If I go through that again, it should make for an interesting time. I don't care, as long as it gets me pregnant. But still, I feel like I should write an open letter to my friends and associates, warning them that I am going for another round of Clomid, and I may be very tempermental and if I should, I don't know, phone them up weeping and rambling ridiculous nonsense, well, don't worry, it's just the Clomid. Ha ha, can you imagine?

Now that we can start trying again, I have figured out that we can have up to three cycles and still be able to tell everyone at Christmas. Christmas is my goal for being at the 12-week mark in pregnancy. I know we can do it. We will! And if it's before Christmas, then all the better. D says now that we can start trying again, it's going to be like sex boot-camp around here!

Speaking of D, he dragged me out to see a new condo after work today. He's got a bug up his butt to sell our place and buy something bigger. I don't know if it will happen, we're pretty happy where we are. But I let him have his fun. I think it gives him a thrill to think about how to play with our equity. The place we saw was pretty amazing. Totally decked out and gorgeous. I was very impressed but it was almost too cool. Too chic. I wondered if a condo like that could ever feel like home. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm sure I'd somehow find a way to get comfortable in a place that looks like it was torn from the pages of Architectual Digest. Oh I guess I could try to make it work, somehow.

Let's see...what else... Oh yeah, I phoned my oldest and closest friend P on my lunch break today. P and I have been friends since gradeschool, but unfortunately, she lives in another country so connecting with her is a rare treat. We try to make it regular but it's hard since we're both pretty busy. P is going through a hard time right now too. It was great to commiserate. I miss her.

I'm so happy to be feeling a bit better. I was really getting a bit worried there. I just hope this improvement continues; I don't want to fall down that black hole of depression again anytime soon.

Possibly Maybe

I'm starting to feel oh so much better. I spoke to L on the phone yesterday, and we had a lovely chat. It wasn't weird at all. We were going to meet for a cup of tea yesterday but she wasn't feeling well so we might do today. It was nice to hear her voice and catch up. Is it possible that I created all the tension between us in my head? Very possible, I'd say. Ah well, onwards and upwards. In any case, I'm going to try to cultivate more friendships so I'm not so reliant on L. But no complaints, I'm glad to have her back in my life.

Things with D seem to be improving as well. I think I'm a bit easier to live with over the past couple of days. We haven't really talked about anything significant lately, but maybe that's not a bad thing; I don't mind the break.

I must say having my period show up has made a huge difference in my mood. I actually feel hopeful and excited about trying for a baby again. I mean, it's possible that we could be pregnant again in just 4 weeks from now! Some say you are more fertile after a miscarriage, but I've also heard that's a myth so who knows. I'm very encouraged that my period came without the use of Provera. That must mean that something is going right, hormonally speaking, with me.

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep myself as healthy as possible to up my chances. No more drinking (despite my adventures last week) no more sugar or caffeine, and today, I will begin my exercise routine again, which has been sorely lacking over the past few weeks.

Yesterday was a pleasant day, I had breakfast with my brother and his new girlfriend, and then went for coffee with a friend from an old job. It was nice. Today I have a few chores to do, and I'll see where the rest of the day takes me. Next week is going to be a very busy week at work, so I also need to make sure to get some relaxation time in.

Ready, Get Set...

I haven't written in two days due to being, well, busy. But a lot has happened during this time and I'm excited to provide an update.

Thursday:
Started out as a regular old day, when half-way through I was reminded by R, a friend at work, that I had promised a few weeks ago that I (and two other people from work) would come by his house after work for a cocktail. Honestly, I had completely forgotten about it and I really didn't feel like going. But I felt obliged, so I decided to make an appearance.

I should backtrack here a bit to mention that my two other co-workers, along with myself, are the youngest people on staff at my job so we really click. Especially S and I, we get along famously. We often go for lunch and she has been really kind, offering her ear to me during my struggle to get out of depression. S is someone I'd really like to become closer friends with. She is just fantastic.

When we arrived at R's house after work, he had decked out his patio beautifully, and had put together an amazing array of appetizers and drinks. We all decided to have gin and tonics.

I swear I was just going to have one drink. But somehow, not completely unknown by me, my glass kept being refilled. I didn't say no. I must have had 6 drinks during the course of the evening. We talked, laughed and had truly a fantastic time. I honestly didn't expect to have so much fun. In the end, everyone was completely drunk, and at somepoint I think we were even ballroom dancing in the living room...(okay, as the evening wore on, much of it became a blur). It was a great night. I think I really needed it. It felt great to laugh so hard and just cut loose.

Friday:
The next morning was brutal. I was completely hung. Oh lord I was hurting. Bad. But I had to go to work, so I sucked it up, drank a big glass of water, and knocked back a couple of ibuprofen. I dragged my sorry ass into the shower and started to get ready for work. And then it happend: I STARTED MY PERIOD!!! Shock and suprise!!! I've never been so happy to see my period. Since my last Beta HCG blood test was still at 15 (and the decline had slowed right down), the doctor told me that it would be at least another two weeks before I could induce a period. I rarely get my period on my own and usually have to induce it. But this time, it just happened!

This is amazing for a million reasons, namely, because 1) it means we can officially start another round of Clomid and start trying to conceive again and 2) that my PCOS eased up enough (maybe due the prior pregnancy) to actually allow me to have a natural period - which I am taking as a very good sign. Anyway, we start Clomid on Monday!

Also, I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I met with Dr. V and broke down into tears within less than a minute of walking into her office. Tears are very close to the surface these days. We talked a lot and she told me a lot of things I already knew and a few I didn't. What I took away from the experience was what I can expect with the grief process going forward and some homework: I have to exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week; I have to read the book, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People", and I have to write in a journal, which is this blog, so I've got that one covered.

My next appointment with Dr. V is in two weeks.

I feel like the start of my period is the start of turning a major corner here. It marks the time where I can finally get out of this horrible limbo and at least start being proactive about trying to conceive again. Nothing will ever bring my baby back, but I finally feel like the dream isn't dead anymore. It's just changed a bit. Now my blog can finally start living up to its name. This is the first day of the rest of my life.

The Venus of Willendorf

Today was an anxious day. My heart was racing, palms sweaty, constantly felt like I had to catch my breath. I don't know why. Oh well, anxious is better than sad. I'll take anxious over sad any day.

I got the results of my Beta HCG tests from yesterday: 15. I can't believe it only went from 25 to 15. I really thought it would be lower than that. I've never been known as a patient person by any stretch of the imagination, but this waiting process totally sucks. The doctor thinks it will be at least another week, maybe two. All I want to do is get back on that TTC bandwagon. I know two weeks, in the grand scheme of things, isn't that much but man am I ever tired of waiting. I think if I'm at 10 or below next week, I might just throw caution to the wind and start taking the Provera to induce a period. It takes at least 10 days for it to kick in anyway, so I'd like to hope I'd be zero by then.

I decided not to wait until therapy comes to me and I decided to seek it out myself. I looked online for a "reproductive mental health psychologist" today and actually found one sort of close to my area. She's going to see me on Friday and I'm so happy. Ironically, when I got home today there was a message from the counselor I've been waiting to hear from (the one the doctor referred me to) saying that she can squeeze me in on August 21st. It was too late to call her back when I got home today, but I'll definitely call tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking both appointments.

I went to get a new battery for D's watch today on my lunch break. I ended up at this little Persian jewelry store, and while they fixed the watch, I found this tiny silver charm that was supposed to look like The Venus of Willendorf (an ancient fertility statue - look it up on Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf). I thought it was a sign so I bought it. She's really cute and now I've got a new necklace. Hey, until the real therapy arrives, I'll take some retail therapy!

Low

I couldn't go to work today. I just couldn't.

I'm feeling really sad about L today. It's been so long since we talked and I'm so tempted to call or write a letter or something. But I just don't know if it's a good idea. I'm afraid it will make things weirder. We were so close not so long ago, we talked every day and saw each other all the time. But now, it seems like all that is so far in the past. Who could have guessed things would turn out like this? I miss her. I don't get it. I feel so, I dunno, rejected.

I guess I have to start accepting the fact that things will never be the same again.

I really want to move away, start fresh somewhere. I want a big change.

I had another Beta HCG blood test this morning, I'll get the results tomorrow. I would absolutely love it if I was at zero. I've got to be pretty close to that by now. It feels like I've been going through this process forever.

I don't know what else to write. Having a low day.

Thought I Had While At The Beach Today

I went down to the beach today, found a quiet spot. I sat there and let calm and acceptance wash over me. It took several minutes for me to get into this mindset but once I was there I got to a place where I could finally, finally imagine having a healthy, baby. I thought about taking a positive test again, getting excited about the details with D, telling everyone at Christmas, belly getting larger, decorating the nursery, giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby just before summer. I pictured it in my mind, every detail, and almost felt the excitement as if it was happening now. It felt really good.

I think I'm going to sign up for yoga.

Truce

D and I got in a fight yesterday. It was unpleasant. He is having a hard time dealing with my depression and truth be told, I can't really blame him. He kept saying, "I just want my wife back". I know this is difficult for him. I truly wish I could snap my fingers and just be happy again, but I can't. D says I'm not trying hard enough.

I told him that I am having a really hard time envisioning having a healthy baby or even being happy. In some ways, I don't feel like I even deserve to be happy. I think that comment made him the most upset of all. He said that he didn't want to try for a baby if he's the only one who's carrying us forward.

What he doesn't understand is that I am TERRIFIED of miscarrying again, despite the fact that I am desperate to have a baby. I believe this is a natural fear considering what has happened. But D says if I want a baby as much as I say I do, then nothing should stand in the way of that, not even my fear. He says that I have fallen down and am refusing to get up. I would say that I have fallen down but don't know how to get up.

We went round and round last night and in the end finally came to a kind of resolve. D has agreed to: 1) Try to be more patient with my depression, 2) Not be so judgemental about my feelings, and 3) Understand that he can't "fix" me and I just have to get through this on my own.

Conversely, I have agreed to: 1) Try to be more optimistic about our future in general and 2) Not direct my anger and depression at D (in other words, keep it to myself as much as I can).

Today is Monday, the last day of my 3-day-weekend. I've been completely useless over the past two days so after I finish this post, I'm going to finish the laundry and do some cleaning. The house looks like a bomb hit it. I'd like to see my cousin T today as well. With L being out of the picture lately, I'm desperate for some girl time.

Undercover Goose

So I'm sitting here on my patio this morning when my husband comes out and reaches for something next to the barbeque. Just then he said, "Honey! Look!", gesturing down under the barbeque cover. Two ash gray paws sticking out. "OH NO" I thought. My first instinct was that some poor animal had gone under there to die. But we live in a condo in the middle of the city so it didn't make sense. Our townhouse on the main floor of a 30-storey tower, surrounded by other 30+ storey towers in every direction.

Slowy, carefully, I pulled up the fabric of the barbeque cover, only to discover a little gray cat hiding in there. I coaxed him out by talking sweetly and softly to him. Once he realized I was not going to hurt him, he became very friendly and let me pick him up. He had a collar (no tag) and seemed very tame, so I knew he came from a home somewhere.

Our neighbours in the townhouse next door were out on their patio too, and we asked them if they knew anything about this cat we found. They immediately reported that they had seen signs for a missing gray cat in the elevator. D found the sign and called the phone number.

As it turns out, this cat fell 17 stories off the balcony and somehow survived and hid under our barbeque. What's more is that this cat went missing 4 days ago and had been surviving without food or water during that time.

The owner came down immediately to claim him and was overcome with relief. We couldn't believe the cat had survived. Not only that, but he seemed, well, just fine! Oh and how cute is this: Apparently his name is "Goose". Quite an eventful morning.

..........

My depression is back today, but to a lesser degree. I still haven't received my counseling appointment notification so I'm hoping that will happen next week. I woke up this morning thinking about L, and how we haven't talked in so long. We used to be so close and I find it wrenching that our friendship has deteriorated like this. I wonder, if the tables were turned, would I abandon her? Would I be so wrapped up in my own pregnancy that I wouldn't have the time to check in with my friend who was suffering and depressed? I like to think not, but who knows. Maybe she thinks that she's protecting my feelings by not talking to me. Either way, it makes me sad.

Maybe once we can finally start trying again, I'll feel a bit better. I will go for my next Beta HCG blood test on Tuesday to determine how much closer to zero I am. Last week's was 25, so my prediction is that this week will be somewhere around 10 or so. Probably two more weeks to go.

Even though we tried for over a year to get pregnant, once we started on Clomid, it only took two cycles. I am really hoping that it only takes a short time when we finally start again. I would be beyond overjoyed if we could start telling everyone the news this Christmas. That is my true and sincere hope. I'm putting that out to the universe.

Someone from the message boards sent me a "script" for how to pray to God. Do I dare start praying again? Won't God sense that I'm still resentful and angry at him? Wouldn't my prayer be considered insincere? Wouldn't that be like asking for favours from an ex-boyfriend who broke your heart?

What do you think?

I'm the Passenger, I Guess

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting here in my pajamas in total peace and quiet. The only sounds are the clickety-clack of my keyboard as I type this, the traffic outside (we live downtown), and a distant bass beat coming from my husband's home office. It feels good. I like being alone.

When I'm alone I have my best thoughts. Right now I'm thinking about letting go of my need to control this whole baby process. I can micro-manage every single aspect and it won't necessarily change the outcome anyway. Even if I micro-manage us into being pregnant again, I can't really do anything to predict or prevent a miscarriage from happening a second time. When I was pregnant before, I took painstaking measures to make sure I was as healthy as could be. I scrutinzed every morsel of food, consciously avoided all stress, exercised moderately, only crossed the street at the stoplight... It didn't make a difference. I still miscarried. I could have lived on Diet Coke and Cheetos and the outcome would have been exactly the same.

I guess my rambling point here is that anything I do or don't do really has little to no impact on the way this situation will play out. That's good and bad I guess. Good, because it takes a lot of pressure off. If it's going to happen, it will happen. Bad, because I'm uncomfortable when I can't be in the driver's seat. (Type A personality, right here!) Leaving this whole process up to luck and fate is scary and it's not fair that I have such minimal influence on it.

So where does my control lie? What areas might I actually have some impact?

Well let's see here... I guess I can be as healthy as I can. That's a good start. I can try to time intercourse as efficiently as possible. And I suppose I can use all the tools currently available to me (i.e. Clomid, Pre-Seed, my doctor, books, etc.).

I just realized that's all I can do. I literally can't do anything else to improve my chances of getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. So why I am stressing so much about this process?

OK so here's my resolution: I am going to try to relax (much easier said than done). But seriously, whether I'm anxious, stressed, excited, bitter, optimistic, pessimistic, it won't matter. So I may as well try and relax. That's what I'm going to do. Starting now.

I'm off to a good start today. It doesn't get much better than still being in your pajamas at 11:00am on a Saturday.

Tell Me Something Good

Maybe it's the fact that it's Friday and I have three glorious days off work in front of me. Perhaps it's the one-hour massage I treated myself to on the way home today. Could be the Pad Thai or the glass of red wine I'm sipping as I type this--

Right now, even if for just a moment, I'm going to deliberatly NOT think about all the bad stuff and concentrate ONLY on the positives. What good could possibly come from a miscarriage you ask? Well it's certainly a head-scratcher but I think I can come up with a few pearls here.

The following is my short and imaginative list of positives that I am taking from this situation:

1. As I am not currently pregnant, I can enjoy the glass of red wine I'm drinking right now without the slightest concern!

2. My husband and I have more time to save our money before we start a family.

3. I have connected with quite a few amazing ladies out there who are going through the same thing right now. Somehow that is a blessing in and of itself.

4. Maybe if it has been easy the first time around, I wouldn't appreciate being a mom as much as I know I will when it happens.

5. When I finally do get pregnant, I'll probably be elated to feel morning sickness.

6. Stepped on the scale this morning only to discover that I lost 12 pounds since this whole thing happened. Nothing like depression to help a girl shed those unwanted pounds!

7. As per point #6 above, I found out today that I can squeese into my skinny jeans again. Couldn't do that if I was pregnant.

8. If I can make it through this and come out the other side to tell the tale, I can make it through anything.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Rewind: About two months ago, right after the miscarriage, I took a week off work to recover. When I returned to work, I bumped into a girl by the name of N, who works on the same floor in the office accross from my office. We had always made small talk when we saw each other in the elevator and the washroom. She asked me where I had been during the previous week and I told her I had a miscarriage and was off so I could recover. Her faced changed immediately in such a way that I knew right away she had been through the same thing. She told me how she had had a miscarriage two months prior and right then and there we made an immediate connection that transcended our usual chit chat in passing.

Fast Forward To Today: I asked N if she wanted to go for lunch sometime, and sometime ended up being today. She brought along another girl named B from her office who had been trying for several months unsuccessfully to get pregnant. We had the most amazing talk, the three of us, and it was so nice to connect with other females who are going through similar experiences. N is a two months ahead of me in her recovery and she gave me some great advice and shared her own outlook with me which really helped me feel better. And now I have two new friends! We made plans to have another lunch in a couple of weeks and I am really looking forward to it.

I felt so good about things after lunch, I came back to my office feeling recharged and more optimistic than I had been in a long time. I had an exceptionally productive afternoon and there was lots to do so the time just flew by. I buzzed through the remainder of the workday thinking that I very well may have finally turned a corner...

...and then it happened.

It is my job to manage the office calendar and anyone who takes time off is supposed to let me know so I can keep track. About 5 minutes before the end of the day, the girl who sits in the cubicle beside mine came to my desk and said she needed to take half a day off tomorrow so she can go to the doctor. I think deep down I had a feeling about what was coming. I stupidly said, "Oh I hope you're okay!" to which she excitedly replied in a whisper, "I'm MORE than okay - I'm PREGNANT! And I'm going to my first doctor's appointment tomorrow morning!"

My heart dropped right through the floor in that moment and I immediately felt that oh so familiar lump in my throat. I tried as best as I could to muster up the best "congratulations" I could, as wimpy and insincere as it was. Not that she noticed. She happily skipped down the hall to the office kitchen mumbling something about how her appetite is going crazy and she can't stop eating and she's going for her third snack of the afternoon, blah blah blah...

The tears came right away. I tried to stop them by instinctively fanning my eyes with my hands but it didn't help, not that I expected it to. Big warm wet ones. And just like that, I was back at square one.

How long, I wonder, before it stops hurting like this?

I left the office right afterwards and headed for home. All the loveliness from my delicioius afternoon was completely gone. Back in my familiar blue funk again.

When I got home, my husband D asked how my day was, to which I replied "OK". He just knew something was up so he asked me what happened. [I have to interject here to say that I should know better than to talk to D about this kind of stuff. He just doesn't get it AT ALL.] I foolishly told him what happened, about my lovely lunch and my newly pregnant coworker, and how I felt about it. He simply replied, "So what? Why do you care? It doesn't affect us."

And while I know he's right, it doesn't affect us, he has no way to understand how it feels. I guess it's because he's a guy. Or maybe it's because he's got a WAAAAAAAY more positive outlook on this situation than I do. Either way, I immediately regretted making mention of my day and vowed internally to stop talking to D about how I feel. He just wants me to "get over it". What he doesn't understand is that I would absolutely LOVE to "get over it", but unfortunately I have no idea how to begin doing that right now.

D is out with his friends tonight at the pub. Truth be told, I'm delighted to have the place to myself. I don't feel like being around anyone lately, not even D. I think if I could, I'd become a hermit for a few weeks and shut myself in. Sounds like heaven right now.

In happier news, tomorrow is the Friday before a three-day weekend. Beautiful! I think I'm going to stay close to home, do the laundry and a bit of housework, and spend the rest of the time posting to all my beloved newfound online forums and message boards that I have come to enjoy so much. They are as close to therapy as I can get right now and I am so grateful for each and every one of them.

Speaking of grateful, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for all the people who have taken the time to read this blog and leave such incredibly sweet and thoughtful comments. I never dreamed in a million years someone would actually read this thing and it feels amazing to make a connection with total strangers out there who are going through similar circumstances. You have no idea how much you are contributing to my healing process. From the bottom of my heart...thank you.

Big Faker

I skipped out of work a few hours early today due to a "bad headache". Translation: It's a beautiful sunny afternoon and I wanted to sit on my patio and relax. There's nothing wrong with giving yourself some personal time, I think. Especially now, when each day is a new bloody rollercoaster, it makes my head spin.

I walked to work crying this morning - this depression thing is not getting any better. The worst part is having to fake my way through my day with a stupid smile on my face. I can't help but wonder if I didn't have to work and I could just take time for myself everyday, if I would feel better by now. The good news is that I heard from my doctor's office and apparently they've expedited my case and I should have an appointment to see a counselor "very soon".

I had bad dreams last night - nothing scary, just dreams about being pregnant and losing my baby all over again. I also dreamed about my best friend*** and her flaunting her healthy pregnancy to me. I woke up feeling terrible and thought, "here we go, this will be another sad day". Much to my surprise, however, I am feeling a bit better now - for the moment - and I think it's because I'm home early and have had some time to myself.

***I think I should stop referring to this person as my "best friend". Obviously she is on another path and is proceeding blissfully without me. It hurts me too much to talk to her and it's probably bringing her down to talk to me. I think our ship has sailed for now, which makes me incredibly sad on a whole other level which I can't even begin to deal with at the moment. Anyway, I don't think best friend is the appropriate term for this person anymore so henceforth she will be referred to as "L".

Okay, enough about me - for the moment - Let's talk about what's on TV tonight! I am totally into "So You Think You Can Dance" right now and we're getting down to the final 8 contestants. Can't wait for that. Plus I have a yummy dinner planned, so that's not bad.

I've been thinking about visualization lately. Like as in Oprah's "The Secret". I believe in that sort of stuff and I'd love to be able to visualize my being pregnant with a healthy baby and giving birth to a healthy baby ... but for some reason I just can't see it. It seems so impossible at the moment and I feel almost as if I don't deserve it, as if I don't deserve to be happy. Hmmm I'm wondering how I circumvent those insecure thoughts? I'll have to think on that one I guess...

Well I started joining every TTC and post-miscarriage internet message board and forum under the sun today. I thought until therapy arrives I'll see if I can find some comfort from other people who have been through and are going through what I am. I really feel so alone, and today I set out to prove to myself that I am not.