D and I got in a fight yesterday. It was unpleasant. He is having a hard time dealing with my depression and truth be told, I can't really blame him. He kept saying, "I just want my wife back". I know this is difficult for him. I truly wish I could snap my fingers and just be happy again, but I can't. D says I'm not trying hard enough.
I told him that I am having a really hard time envisioning having a healthy baby or even being happy. In some ways, I don't feel like I even deserve to be happy. I think that comment made him the most upset of all. He said that he didn't want to try for a baby if he's the only one who's carrying us forward.
What he doesn't understand is that I am TERRIFIED of miscarrying again, despite the fact that I am desperate to have a baby. I believe this is a natural fear considering what has happened. But D says if I want a baby as much as I say I do, then nothing should stand in the way of that, not even my fear. He says that I have fallen down and am refusing to get up. I would say that I have fallen down but don't know how to get up.
We went round and round last night and in the end finally came to a kind of resolve. D has agreed to: 1) Try to be more patient with my depression, 2) Not be so judgemental about my feelings, and 3) Understand that he can't "fix" me and I just have to get through this on my own.
Conversely, I have agreed to: 1) Try to be more optimistic about our future in general and 2) Not direct my anger and depression at D (in other words, keep it to myself as much as I can).
Today is Monday, the last day of my 3-day-weekend. I've been completely useless over the past two days so after I finish this post, I'm going to finish the laundry and do some cleaning. The house looks like a bomb hit it. I'd like to see my cousin T today as well. With L being out of the picture lately, I'm desperate for some girl time.