Monday, August 6, 2007

Truce

D and I got in a fight yesterday. It was unpleasant. He is having a hard time dealing with my depression and truth be told, I can't really blame him. He kept saying, "I just want my wife back". I know this is difficult for him. I truly wish I could snap my fingers and just be happy again, but I can't. D says I'm not trying hard enough.

I told him that I am having a really hard time envisioning having a healthy baby or even being happy. In some ways, I don't feel like I even deserve to be happy. I think that comment made him the most upset of all. He said that he didn't want to try for a baby if he's the only one who's carrying us forward.

What he doesn't understand is that I am TERRIFIED of miscarrying again, despite the fact that I am desperate to have a baby. I believe this is a natural fear considering what has happened. But D says if I want a baby as much as I say I do, then nothing should stand in the way of that, not even my fear. He says that I have fallen down and am refusing to get up. I would say that I have fallen down but don't know how to get up.

We went round and round last night and in the end finally came to a kind of resolve. D has agreed to: 1) Try to be more patient with my depression, 2) Not be so judgemental about my feelings, and 3) Understand that he can't "fix" me and I just have to get through this on my own.

Conversely, I have agreed to: 1) Try to be more optimistic about our future in general and 2) Not direct my anger and depression at D (in other words, keep it to myself as much as I can).

Today is Monday, the last day of my 3-day-weekend. I've been completely useless over the past two days so after I finish this post, I'm going to finish the laundry and do some cleaning. The house looks like a bomb hit it. I'd like to see my cousin T today as well. With L being out of the picture lately, I'm desperate for some girl time.

3 comments:

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it really does just take time.

Be kind to yourself, and each other....

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your fight ended with some good communication with D at least. Something you wrote struck me though: “Not direct my anger and depression at D (in other words, keep it to myself as much as I can).” I think you can be open about the existence of your depression without taking it out on him. Maybe he feels like your sniping at him about unrelated things because you’re so sad. It sounds like he just wants you to get better, but feels powerless. But if you talked about your sadness, rather than bottling it until you were ready to blow, you could offer him a window into your experiences and still deal with the emotions yourself. Listening and helping you process this is one way he can help, but he might find it too upsetting to think about it as much as you need to talk about it. I still don’t think you should avoid talking about it with him entirely. This is part of who you are too.

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