Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Most Depressing Post Ever

God and I are not on speaking terms right now.

After over a year of trying to conceive, in the wee hours of June 1, 2007, I took a pregnancy test and discovered that it was positive. I actually fell to my knees and wept when I saw those two pink lines. I can't recall ever feeling such incredible elation like I did at that moment. I realize this sounds dramatic, but we had tried for what felt like forever. I have a pretty serious case of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and was put on Clomid to force ovulation. It took two rounds but it worked. My husband and I were over the moon. In our excitement, we stupidly told everyone.

But at 6 weeks I had my first ultrasound but the doctor could not find a heartbeat. She told me not to worry, and that at 6 weeks they sometimes don't see a heartbeat and to come back in a few days. I had a second ultrasound a week later that confirmed that indeed there was no heartbeat and that the pregnancy would certainly end in miscarriage. At 8 weeks, my HCG levels began dropping and I was told that miscarriage was only a matter of time. I was beyond devastated.

I elected to take Misoprostol to induce the miscarriage, rather than have a D&C which seemed so invasive. It was, without a doubt, the most painful experience I have ever been through. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. It was truly awful. When it was finally over, I couldn't believe how wonderful I felt not to be in such extreme pain anymore. And I must admit it was a small relief to feel like I could begin move on. I thought I was finally on the road to recovery.

However, here I am over a month later and I just can't seem to get past it. I know miscarriage is extremely common, but it feels sometimes like I'm the only one going through this. Just when I start thinking I'm feeling better, a wave of depression knocks me down and I feel like I can't come out of it. I'm usually a sunny person; I'm usually able to cheer myself up after bad news fairly quickly. Not this time, it feels like it's getting worse every day. I'm driving my poor husband crazy; he wants me to "just get over it" because it's been almost two months now. How do I do that? I would love to feel better. I would love to feel optimistic about trying to conceive again. Why can't I get there?? What is wrong with me??

I'm barely holding it together here.

On my husband's insistance, I spoke to my doctor today and got a referral for counseling. I'll make the appointment tomorrow and hopefully I can get in soon.

By the way, I currently have such black bitter hate for all pregnant women and women with babies. I shoot them dirty looks at the grocery store and go out of my way not to pass them on the street. It's like pregnancy racism. And pregnant women are EVERYWHERE. I can't believe how many pregnant women I see everyday. I despise them all. My best friend is pregnant now too, and as of last Sunday just made it to 12 weeks with her healthy growing baby. (We conceived within a day of each other.) Yeah, I hate her too. But I hate myself the most for feeling this way. The only thing as strong as my hatrid and anger right now is my guilt and shame for feeling this way.

I also currently have black bitter hate for God. Not that I was ever very religious, but I really thought he was on my side. When I first found out I was pregnant, I prayed, I mean really prayed to God. I prayed several times every day. I thanked him for finally letting me be pregnant and begged him to take care of my growing baby and to keep my baby healthy. When I miscarried, I felt so betrayed. I still can't understand why God would let it happen. Was it to punish me for years of religious indifference? Was it to teach me a lesson of some sort? I'm still angry and resentful and I feel like I can't trust God at all. God broke my heart and I don't know if I can forgive him. All I ever wanted in the world was a healthy baby.

I can't wait to start trying again and in the back of my mind, I'm hoping my anger and depression will lift when my HCG levels finally return to zero and I can start taking Provera to induce a new cycle. My HCG levels started at 134,000, then dropped to 1165, then 217, then 57 and today I found out that yesterday's blood test results came back at 25. It will probably be at least another week before they return to zero. I never dreamed I'd be so happy to hear my doctor say that I'm officially "not pregnant" anymore!

Man oh man I am in a deep blue funk. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt. This ultra-depressing post has likely managed to alienate anyone who might have had any interest in reading my blog. For that, I apologize and promise that I will attempt greater optimism and sunshine in future posts. Ah well, I figure if you can't be honest in a blog, then what's the point?

I leave you now, alienated and disgusted readers, with this: I have never in my life felt so low. I guess that means there's nowhere to go but up. So here I am, trying to pick myself off the basement floor, ready to start all over again.

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