After over a year of trying to conceive, in the wee hours of June 1, 2007, I took a pregnancy test and discovered that it was positive. I actually fell to my knees and wept when I saw those two pink lines. I can't recall ever feeling such incredible elation like I did at that moment. I realize this sounds dramatic, but we had tried for what felt like forever. I have a pretty serious case of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and was put on Clomid to force ovulation. It took two rounds but it worked. My husband and I were over the moon. In our excitement, we stupidly told everyone.
But at 6 weeks I had my first ultrasound but the doctor could not find a heartbeat. She told me not to worry, and that at 6 weeks they sometimes don't see a heartbeat and to come back in a few days. I had a second ultrasound a week later that confirmed that indeed there was no heartbeat and that the pregnancy would certainly end in miscarriage. At 8 weeks, my HCG levels began dropping and I was told that miscarriage was only a matter of time. I was beyond devastated.
I elected to take Misoprostol to induce the miscarriage, rather than have a D&C which seemed so invasive. It was, without a doubt, the most painful experience I have ever been through. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. It was truly awful. When it was finally over, I couldn't believe how wonderful I felt not to be in such extreme pain anymore. And I must admit it was a small relief to feel like I could begin move on. I thought I was finally on the road to recovery.
However, here I am over a month later and I just can't seem to get past it. I know miscarriage is extremely common, but it feels sometimes like I'm the only one going through this. Just when I start thinking I'm feeling better, a wave of depression knocks me down and I feel like I can't come out of it. I'm usually a sunny person; I'm usually able to cheer myself up after bad news fairly quickly. Not this time, it feels like it's getting worse every day. I'm driving my poor husband crazy; he wants me to "just get over it" because it's been almost two months now. How do I do that? I would love to feel better. I would love to feel optimistic about trying to conceive again. Why can't I get there?? What is wrong with me??
I'm barely holding it together here.
On my husband's insistance, I spoke to my doctor today and got a referral for counseling. I'll make the appointment tomorrow and hopefully I can get in soon.
By the way, I currently have such black bitter hate for all pregnant women and women with babies. I shoot them dirty looks at the grocery store and go out of my way not to pass them on the street. It's like pregnancy racism. And pregnant women are EVERYWHERE. I can't believe how many pregnant women I see everyday. I despise them all. My best friend is pregnant now too, and as of last Sunday just made it to 12 weeks with her healthy growing baby. (We conceived within a day of each other.) Yeah, I hate her too. But I hate myself the most for feeling this way. The only thing as strong as my hatrid and anger right now is my guilt and shame for feeling this way.
I also currently have black bitter hate for God. Not that I was ever very religious, but I really thought he was on my side. When I first found out I was pregnant, I prayed, I mean really prayed to God. I prayed several times every day. I thanked him for finally letting me be pregnant and begged him to take care of my growing baby and to keep my baby healthy. When I miscarried, I felt so betrayed. I still can't understand why God would let it happen. Was it to punish me for years of religious indifference? Was it to teach me a lesson of some sort? I'm still angry and resentful and I feel like I can't trust God at all. God broke my heart and I don't know if I can forgive him. All I ever wanted in the world was a healthy baby.
I can't wait to start trying again and in the back of my mind, I'm hoping my anger and depression will lift when my HCG levels finally return to zero and I can start taking Provera to induce a new cycle. My HCG levels started at 134,000, then dropped to 1165, then 217, then 57 and today I found out that yesterday's blood test results came back at 25. It will probably be at least another week before they return to zero. I never dreamed I'd be so happy to hear my doctor say that I'm officially "not pregnant" anymore!
Man oh man I am in a deep blue funk. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt. This ultra-depressing post has likely managed to alienate anyone who might have had any interest in reading my blog. For that, I apologize and promise that I will attempt greater optimism and sunshine in future posts. Ah well, I figure if you can't be honest in a blog, then what's the point?
I leave you now, alienated and disgusted readers, with this: I have never in my life felt so low. I guess that means there's nowhere to go but up. So here I am, trying to pick myself off the basement floor, ready to start all over again.
3 comments:
You have my complete sympathy, although a guy, I can partially sense how much emptiness and helplessness that can be felt through all stages of this process. Trying to conceive, confirming it, getting trough the 1st trimester etc.
These periods are full of empty buckets of time that have to be overcome.
I DEFINITELY relate to the feelings towards expectant parents and parents with kids by the way, bizzare.
Best Wishes and Good luck to you.
I'm a little late commenting on this, and so far I've only read this entry, but I completely understand. We've been trying for 15 months, and yesterday my best friend delivered her "OOPS!" baby. The only way I could see two lines would be to take a marker to a pregnancy test, but her husband forgets a condom in the middle of the night and 9 months later there's a beautiful baby girl with the softest skin in the world looking up at me. Just wanted to say I totally get the bitter black hatred. And it doesn't make you a bad horrible person. This is the hardest thing.
Good luck - to you, and everyone who longs for their baby-someday.
Hi Maya Papaya,
I know this comes several years late but you have my absolute support and sympathy. I haven't gone through anything as traumatic as what you've experienced, but I did (stupidly) go through an abortion at a rough time in my younger life and it's my biggest regret. As much as it still haunts me, I imagine it would be emotionally minuscule compared to what you've been through.
Thank you so much for sharing so much, I know the internet can be a cruel place.
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