Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Big Faker

I skipped out of work a few hours early today due to a "bad headache". Translation: It's a beautiful sunny afternoon and I wanted to sit on my patio and relax. There's nothing wrong with giving yourself some personal time, I think. Especially now, when each day is a new bloody rollercoaster, it makes my head spin.

I walked to work crying this morning - this depression thing is not getting any better. The worst part is having to fake my way through my day with a stupid smile on my face. I can't help but wonder if I didn't have to work and I could just take time for myself everyday, if I would feel better by now. The good news is that I heard from my doctor's office and apparently they've expedited my case and I should have an appointment to see a counselor "very soon".

I had bad dreams last night - nothing scary, just dreams about being pregnant and losing my baby all over again. I also dreamed about my best friend*** and her flaunting her healthy pregnancy to me. I woke up feeling terrible and thought, "here we go, this will be another sad day". Much to my surprise, however, I am feeling a bit better now - for the moment - and I think it's because I'm home early and have had some time to myself.

***I think I should stop referring to this person as my "best friend". Obviously she is on another path and is proceeding blissfully without me. It hurts me too much to talk to her and it's probably bringing her down to talk to me. I think our ship has sailed for now, which makes me incredibly sad on a whole other level which I can't even begin to deal with at the moment. Anyway, I don't think best friend is the appropriate term for this person anymore so henceforth she will be referred to as "L".

Okay, enough about me - for the moment - Let's talk about what's on TV tonight! I am totally into "So You Think You Can Dance" right now and we're getting down to the final 8 contestants. Can't wait for that. Plus I have a yummy dinner planned, so that's not bad.

I've been thinking about visualization lately. Like as in Oprah's "The Secret". I believe in that sort of stuff and I'd love to be able to visualize my being pregnant with a healthy baby and giving birth to a healthy baby ... but for some reason I just can't see it. It seems so impossible at the moment and I feel almost as if I don't deserve it, as if I don't deserve to be happy. Hmmm I'm wondering how I circumvent those insecure thoughts? I'll have to think on that one I guess...

Well I started joining every TTC and post-miscarriage internet message board and forum under the sun today. I thought until therapy arrives I'll see if I can find some comfort from other people who have been through and are going through what I am. I really feel so alone, and today I set out to prove to myself that I am not.

5 comments:

autumn lutonski said...

hi hillary...

i'm just a lurker, but having miscarried in december 2006 at 10 weeks, i totally understand your pain. my best friend announced her pregnancy on the day i lost my baby (i hadn't told her the news then). it seems like everyone got pregnant right after i miscarried, my best friend, my SIL, my neighbour, everyone. i know that it is tough, and i pray that you're given the strength to strong and positive and will get your dream baby soon. i'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Any other avenues to see a therapist sooner? It sounds like it would really help you out, and sometimes even knowing that help is on the way is very reassuring.

Anonymous said...

PS-- you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Hilary. My best friend is also pregnant at the moment, due any day now. I'm so excited for her, and I realised after I read your blog that I only hate people who got pregnant after me (particularly after I lost my pregnancy). It's so weird. I can totally understand the animosity you're feeling. What irks me the most are the stupid famous people who are all up the duff at the moment. I think I'm making judgments about how worthy they are for pregnancy (case in point: Nicole Richie. Grrrr!!!).

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