Thursday, August 16, 2007

No Fair

I haven’t written in the past two days, and I’ve got no excuse other than just being busy. It seems like I’ve had something to do every single night this week. I’m happy to start getting out in the world again, especially after such a long stretch of hiding at home. So far, no moodiness from the Clomid, but of course, it’s still way too early for that. Next week should be interesting.

I started feeling a bit depressed again today. I overheard my boss congratulating my pregnant coworker. Everyone gathered around to chat about it. “Have you picked out any names yet?”…”When are you due?”…”Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”… She is so excited about her pregnancy and everyone is always talking about it. It’s really hard for me. Only a few people in my office know about my recent miscarriage and no one understands how painful it is to hear so much detail about someone else’s successful pregnancy, when yours is long lost. My pregnant coworker mentioned to me in passing today that she saw the heartbeat yesterday on her first ultrasound. It felt like a knife through my heart.

I honestly wonder if I will always feel this way. Even after I have my own baby, will I still feel this pain?

I don’t understand why this has happened to me. I have always tried to be a good person. What did I do to deserve all this?

Den and I are going to see another open house after work today. I can’t get the idea of moving out of my head. Maybe it’s because if we find a new place that is significantly cheaper than our current place, then there is a chance I can start working part-time hours or maybe quit working altogether. Cutting back on work would help things immensely. I’m barely keeping everything together on most days and it would be wonderful to just concentrate on recovering and feeling better for awhile.

I’ll keep dreaming. I doubt that cutting back on work anytime soon is a very likely possibility. I give it a 5% chance.

Ah well. Ho hum.