Saturday, August 4, 2007

I'm the Passenger, I Guess

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting here in my pajamas in total peace and quiet. The only sounds are the clickety-clack of my keyboard as I type this, the traffic outside (we live downtown), and a distant bass beat coming from my husband's home office. It feels good. I like being alone.

When I'm alone I have my best thoughts. Right now I'm thinking about letting go of my need to control this whole baby process. I can micro-manage every single aspect and it won't necessarily change the outcome anyway. Even if I micro-manage us into being pregnant again, I can't really do anything to predict or prevent a miscarriage from happening a second time. When I was pregnant before, I took painstaking measures to make sure I was as healthy as could be. I scrutinzed every morsel of food, consciously avoided all stress, exercised moderately, only crossed the street at the stoplight... It didn't make a difference. I still miscarried. I could have lived on Diet Coke and Cheetos and the outcome would have been exactly the same.

I guess my rambling point here is that anything I do or don't do really has little to no impact on the way this situation will play out. That's good and bad I guess. Good, because it takes a lot of pressure off. If it's going to happen, it will happen. Bad, because I'm uncomfortable when I can't be in the driver's seat. (Type A personality, right here!) Leaving this whole process up to luck and fate is scary and it's not fair that I have such minimal influence on it.

So where does my control lie? What areas might I actually have some impact?

Well let's see here... I guess I can be as healthy as I can. That's a good start. I can try to time intercourse as efficiently as possible. And I suppose I can use all the tools currently available to me (i.e. Clomid, Pre-Seed, my doctor, books, etc.).

I just realized that's all I can do. I literally can't do anything else to improve my chances of getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. So why I am stressing so much about this process?

OK so here's my resolution: I am going to try to relax (much easier said than done). But seriously, whether I'm anxious, stressed, excited, bitter, optimistic, pessimistic, it won't matter. So I may as well try and relax. That's what I'm going to do. Starting now.

I'm off to a good start today. It doesn't get much better than still being in your pajamas at 11:00am on a Saturday.