What I Know Now

It's rainy and windy this morning and I slept in as long as I could. It was glorious.

And now I'm in such an odd mood. Maybe it was my weird sex dream last night (doing it in the attic of my childhood home with all the guys from Entourage), or maybe it's the weather, but I am feeling introspective in the extreme.

My mind is brought back to where we were a year and a half ago when we officially started the process of trying to make a baby. How stupid I was back then. I didn't know anything about my body at all. I remember stopping birth control pills specifically to start trying. About a month later, for the first time ever, I discovered that I was gushing egg-white cervical fluid, only I was too uneducated about my body to know what it was at that time. I had never seen it before. I thought it was a pregnancy sign, because it happend around CD 30 and my period hadn't come. It had never occured to me that my cycle might last longer than 28 days, as I had been on birth control to regulate my periods since age 14. I diligently had sex during days 12-15 of that first trying cycle, and I thought surely I had timed things perfectly. That was the first and last time I ever ovulated naturally, and it was probably caused by going off the BCPs. God, if I only knew then what I know now.

I think about all the months I wasted trying to time intercourse for an ovulation that never occured. I think about all the advice I listened to, all the things I just assumed about myself. None of it turned out to be true. All of it was wasted time.

And here I am now, a self-proclaimed expert in all things reproductive. Years of trying at something unsuccessfully will certainly turn into an intense source of education. As I think about the upcoming IUI, I am struck by just how far we've come in this process, and just how far, it's turned out, we're willing to go. Will I look back on this years from now and be happy and content with how everything worked out? Or will I think of it as another waste of time, wishing that I knew now what I'll know then?

Sign Divine

I've been scouring the internet for stories of successful IUIs. Unfortunately, they're not all that easy to come by. Sure, there are some out there, but even those successes I find are generally the third, fourth or even fifth IUI that the poor woman has been through. Not that I'm already getting down about my upcoming IUI - I guess I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. In my world of TTC, my hopes have been sky-high and then dashed more times than I can even count. I'm all about self-protection now.

Of course IVF has a much better statistical success rate (51% compared to 6-26% at best with IUI). I was asking D last night if maybe we shouldn't just plow ahead and go straight for IVF, considering the success rate. He said no, and then added, if we do TWO IUIs in the same cycle, then we'll have the same statistics as if we were doing IVF. I tried to explain to him that it just doesn't work that way, but he stood firm with his reasoning that thems be the numbers and that's the way it is. How can I argue with that reasoning? Ah guys. You gotta love 'em.

I would love to hear stories from women who have had success with their first IUI.

And let's not forget the meds. I didn't respond to my last cycle of Clomid and I am hoping that maybe my new fertility doctor (Dr. T, who I will meet on October 10th) will consider prescribing me something else, like maybe shots. I just don't want to go through the whole stupid process of gearing up to TTC only to find out at the end of the cycle that I didn't even ovulate. Truthfully, the shots scare me a bit, but all in all it's a very small price to pay if it means I get to have a baby nine months later.

What wil the next cycle bring? The curiosity is killing me!

I've heard a few stories about how some women noticed several "signs" just prior to getting a positive pregnancy test. For example, being shit on by a bird on the way to the drugstore to purchase the test (supposedly good luck). Or when buying the pregnancy test, the cashier's name was the exact name the woman had chosen for her baby.

My dilemma is that kind of thing happens to me all the time. Seriously, I notice so much synchronicity that sometimes I wonder if my life isn't spiraling in on itself. One minute, I'll be thinking about something really random, like, I don't know - long matches - for example. A few hours later, I'll see long matches on TV or someone will bring them up in conversation. Or (this happened to me the other day as a matter of fact), I'll wake up with a song in my head (50 Ways To Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon) and think to myself "why do I have this song stuck in my head?". And then on my way to work that morning, I'll pass a newstand only to discover a lyric from that very song ("Just drop off the key, Lee") splashed across the front page of the local newspaper in bold letters, not to be missed. These things happen to me almost every day.

Am I psycic? Am I living in an alternate universe? Am I in tune with another dimension?

Does this mean that signs have the opposite effect on me? If I stop noticing "signs" does that mean I'll finally get to have my baby?

Intestinal Fortitude

I've been relatively calm and hopeful about next cycle's upcoming events. Maybe it's because it's still a few weeks off. Or maybe I'm finally coming to a sort of inner peace about this whole TTC thing. I hope it's the later. Truly though (and maybe this is just the ebb and flow of my hormones), I don't feel as angry with the world as I have been over the past couple of months.

My good friend L and her husband came over for dinner last night. L got pregnant on the exact same day that I did; L is now 5 months along, while I went on to miscarry at only 7 weeks. It was really hard to be friends with her for a while after the miscarriage, and our friendship went through some rocky times. It was so difficult for me to be happy for her, while trying to sift through my own jealousy and bitterness that she is happily experiencing what I should have been. I'm ashamed to say that in my darkest hour, I even wished that she would miscarry too.

But lately, just in the last couple of weeks, things have been easier. Seeing L hasn't been nearly as hard for me, and I'm so happy our friendship has weathered the storm. I am starting to be truly happy for her, and I am feeling more relaxed about where I'm at right now. And I am confident that I will get pregnant again, sooner or later.

That's not to say that my good ol' biological clock isn't ticking away...The other day, D and I were watching TV and we saw the sweetest baby girl. Immediately, every inch of my being practically seized up with the incredible feeling that I need a baby NOW. Such an overwhelming desire.

I'm grateful for my newly acquired relief from TTC anxiety, and for this sense of quiet calm, positivity and purpose. It's probably fleeting, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts and try to bring myself back to this place when I start feeling anxious again...which, knowing me, I'm sure is right around the corner. But for now, I accept where I am right now. There's no reason not to.

I will get pregnant again, and I will have a healthy baby. It's just a matter of time. For the first time in a very long time I feel sure of that. Intestinal fortitude, I believe they call it.

Our Bodies Are Gardens; Our Will Is The Gardener

Wow. I can't believe it's Wednesday already. This week is flying by. I've neglected my poor blog over the past couple of days due to simply being busy (and a little bit lazy).

But there have been some interesting milestones in the past few days, which I'm excited to report.

First of all, I very gently briefed my boss on the fact that I will be taking quite a bit of time off in the coming weeks. We had a nice discussion about it, and I filled him in on everything that's going on. Luckily, he has been through the whole infertility thing, so he totally understood. Actually, he and his wife went through several painful years of trying, and now they have two gorgeous adopted daughters, who they are just crazy about. It was an inspiring discussion and I was once again, blown away by my boss' generosity and understanding.

Secondly, my period finally started after the progesterone jump-start. Actually, it was quite funny. I took my last pill on Friday, expecting to start my period on Sunday. Sunday came and went and nothing started. I reassured myself that I would probably wake up Monday morning to find my period had started. But, on Monday morning I woke up to find, again, nothing. I was so angry and bitter about my period not starting, I chalked it up to yet another thing that my body isn't doing right. I growled and stomped all the way to work on Monday morning and when I arrived, I went to the washroom only to discover...surprise! Hello AF. I had to laugh out loud at all the drama I created.

So now we're officially on our non-TTC cycle before the upcoming IUI. Things are progressing right along!

Third, I had an interesting acupuncture appointment yesterday. I wasn't able to see my usual Dr. S, so I met with another doctor, Dr. T instead. He was very nice, and had a different style than Dr. S. I told him about the upcoming IUI and where we're at now, and he took a bunch of notes. He was very encouraging, adding that the fertility doc we're seeing (another Dr. T) is apparently one of the best out there in the field of IUI. I told him I'd like to work on strengthening my uterus and lining, and get as fertile as possible before the IUI. After the acupuncture, he gave me some Chinese herbs to help with all that as well as strenghten my chi. I am actually trying to choke them down as I type this - man do they taste awful!

Lastly, I got a call from the fertility clinic yesterday inviting me to schedule my first appointment. (You're not allowed to book anything before they review your file and call you.) I was thrilled because I didn't expect to hear from them for at least another two weeks. I didn't get the message until last night, so I wasn't able to call them back until this morning. The nurse I spoke with was very, very nice and helpful. When I asked her if it would be likely that we can do the IUI in the next cycle, she said there was a "very strong possibility". Such good news. So now, my first consultation appointment (with Dr. T) is coming up on October 10th. I can't wait!

I've also booked my HSG for next Wednesday (thanks for the tips Mrs. Mel Z), did all my blood tests this morning, and booked D's sperm analysis.

It's all coming together and I am feeling very hopeful.

Sunday Morning

I had a beautiful day yesterday. Relaxed in the morning, went to the gym, went for a walk and for lunch with D in the afternoon, came home and had a lovely nap, and then settled in to the evening with a movie and some leftovers. It was absolutely divine. Today, I hope to do more of the same, except I have to add cleaning the house to the mix.

Ah, but Sundays are so bittersweet. I hate the impending knowledge that I have to go to work tomorrow. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that going part-time is the right thing to do. I am looking forward to the new year.

In the interest in becoming totally healthy before the upcoming IUI in a month, I have been trying to focus on all aspects of my body, mind and reproductive system. It suddenly came to my attention that maybe the lining of my uterus isn't as thick as it should be, due to the 3 consecutive rounds of Clomid I just put myself through, plus the miscarriage. I know acupuncture is supposed to help with this, but are there any foods, herbs or medications I can take to improve the quality of my uterine lining? How about egg quality? Does anyone know?

Playing God

Today is the first day of my renewed focus on health. I must make myself as fertile as possible prior to the IUI.

Here is the new groundwork I've laid out for myself:
1. Goodbye all refined sugar and white stuff (flour, rice, bread)
2. Goodbye caffeine and chocolate (except for the occasional dark chocolate)
3. Hello 30-45 minutes of exercise at least 6 days per week (this shouldn't be too hard as I usually do this anyway)
4. Hello herbal remedies - i.e. red raspberry leaf and nettle tea, various supplements to balance hormones, etc.
5. Hello positive attitude and newly regained appreciation for all the goodness in my life, especially D

In other healthful news, I've officially decided to reduce my work hours to part-time in the New Year. I want to focus as much time and energy on the baby thing as possible.

So you can pretty much consider me the world's foremost expert on all things IUI now. I have done a ton of research on the subject over the last two days and I think I now know what I'm in store for. First of all, the success rate is nothing near IVF. IUI's yield a success rate of about 25% tops. That's about the same as conceiving naturally. Also, did you know that when they "wash" the sperm to prepare it for insemenation, some clinics (on request) will perform a gender selection so you can have a pretty good chance of choosing the sex of the baby? I honestly don't care what we have, I'd be thrilled with either a boy or a girl. However, D wants a boy, and he wants to ask the clinic about it. I'm almost embarrassed to ask though, because first, I don't want the clinic to think we're superficial and secondly, I'm not sure how comfortable I am "playing God". Of course, the whole procedure kind of smacks of playing God anyway. And D says God invented IUI and sperm washing so let's not worry about it.

I took my last progesterone pill last night and my period will (hopefully) start tomorrow or Monday. Thus begins the non-TTC cycle before the IUI cycle. I'm ready to get on with it.

Change Is Good

I thought since we're officially starting a new TTC regiment, it was an appropriate time to change up the blog a bit.

A little change can be good for the soul, don't you think?

Next Steps...IUI

My appointment with Dr. R was yesterday afternoon. I got there early, and she was already running late with her patients. I ended up waiting about an hour, slowly working myself into a panicky lather in the lobby.

Finally, when my name was called, I went into the exam room and met with Dr. R. She immediately said, "So you didn't ovulate. Let's make you ovulate then, shall we?" Her nonchalance was nice actually, it helped me to feel a little more relaxed about my prognosis. When I asked her why I didn't ovulate, she said she didn't know, adding that "it's only one cycle". She basically told me not to worry about it.

She laid out three options for me:

1. I can try another cycle of Clomid at the same dose as last time (100mg)
2. I can try the next higher dose of Clomid (150mg)
3. I can try either of the above two options ALONG with IUI (intra-uterine insemenation), to offset the affect of the hostile cervical mucus from the Clomid.

We talked a bit about IUI. I didn't know much about it, I'd never really looked into this option before. Dr. R said this would be her recommendation, as it would give us the best advantage. She explained the procedure, and wrote me a referral to a local fertility clinic that would be doing the actual IUI.

There are several tests that D and I have to do before we can do the IUI. D has to get a sperm analysis performed, and we both have to get a ton of blood work done. I have to get something scary done called an HSG. Apparently, this is where they insert a needle into your fallopian tubes and inject some sort of dye that's visible on x-ray. This procedure is to ensure that the tubes are open. Then, after all this is complete, we get started at the fertility clinic.

I am currently on Provera to start a new cycle. I should get my period in about 5-6 days or so. This upcoming cycle will be a non-trying cycle with no meds. We need time to get all the tests done and Dr. R didn't want us to "waste" a round of Clomid. I'll induce another period 28 days after the period to come and then the fun shall begin...

As Dr. R was leaving the exam room, she said, "It's gonna be OK." I said, "Do you promise?" She said, "Yes, I promise. We're going to make it work." I know it's just one of those things that people say, but it really did make me feel better. Her confidence was just what I needed to hear.

So how do I feel about all this noise? Well, tentatively hopeful is the answer, I guess. I'm still afraid of not ovulating again; and this time if I don't ovulate it will be in the context of an IUI and all the business surrounding it. But I'll take whatever advantage I can get, and I'll just pray that I do ovulate, and it works for us.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to work as hard as I can to get myself as healthy as possible. When it's time to move forward, I'm determined to be ready, inside and out.

Baby, Give It Up

I woke up this morning with an incredible urge to just give it all up. I'm tired of feeling so heartbroken all the time. Not everyone gets to have a baby; maybe I'm just one of the unlucky ones.

The stress of TTC is on my mind all the time. It's so frustrating to keep trying at something that just doesn't seem to happen the way I want it to. And if I should be so lucky as to get pregnant again, there will be a whole new level of stress and worry around keeping the pregnancy. Going through one miscarriage almost killed me; I can't even imagine doing it all over again.

And here's the thing: There are no guarantees in any of this. And lately, there isn't even any joy. It's all sadness, all the time. I'm exhausted by the whole stupid thing.

I don't think that I'll feel much better for not trying. But at least the pressure's off. I have no doubt I'll still shudder at the news of newly pregnant friends. I'm sure I'll continue to feel sick at the sight of pregnant bellies and babies. But at least I'll know where I stand and I can get on with my life, for better or for worse. I can start planning for my future, even if it's not the future I had hoped for.

I can't tell yet how much of this post is serious and how much is just venting. A lot will be dictated by my appointment with Dr. R tomorrow. Once I know my options, I can decided what I want to do.

One thing is for sure: Once you decide that you want a child, not having one sure makes life feel empty and pointless. I just don't know what to do.

All Things Considered

I still feel a bit sick today. And I still feel kinda weepy.

I had an interesting acupuncture appointment today. I told Dr. S that I found out that I didn't ovulate this cycle. He wasn't surprised. He said it was a bit ambitious of me to try again so soon after the miscarriage. He added that he would prefer that I wait for 3 to 6 cycles before actively trying again. I'm not totally opposed to waiting, but I am concerned because I'm already 30 (almost 31) and D is 35. I know that every year we wait it will get harder and harder to conceive. And plus, we don't want to be "old" parents. Dr. S says that 30 isn't old and in fact, I am one of his youngest patients.

I don't feel very young.

So I guess I'll think on that. And I'll see what Dr. R (my OB/GYN) has to say about my options at my appointment on Wednesday. I must admit, even just thinking about taking a break makes me feel sad. Like I'm giving up.

I've been "trying" for so long now, it's become part of my identity.

Dr. S asked me to describe what I'm feeling these days. God, where to start, I wondered. I'm glad he asked because it made me think about what was going on in my head. I came up with this:

-Jealousy (directed at all my pregnant friends and anyone in general who is pregnant or has an infant)
-Anger (at my body)
-Dispair (I doubt sometimes that I will ever have a baby or be happy)
-Profound sadness

All in all, an interesting appointment, even though I cried straight through it.

Tea & Tears

Laying low today.

I had breakfast with a friend this morning. While we were sipping our tea, we ran into another friend who announced right away that she's 10 weeks pregnant with her second baby. Maybe it was because it was morning, or I was feeling even more fragile than usual, but I burst into tears right then and there in front of both girls. I felt like a total idiot. I let them know what was going on and why I was upset, and they both felt so bad for me, rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay. And of course, then came the obligatory regaling of stories of family members and friends they know who have had miscarriages. It was awful. Just humiliating. I have pretty much no handle on my minute-to-minute emotions. It seems like no matter how strong I think I finally am, it only takes a little thing like hearing that someone's pregnant to shatter me all over again.

Like the drama queen that I am, I apologized and excused myself. I told them both I just had to go home and I left the cafe. I went home and had a cry and a nap. And here I am now.

It's 2:30pm on a Sunday afternoon and I'm in my pajamas already. I just don't feel like doing anything.

I feel so utterly hopeless right now and on top of that I'm jealous that this whole baby thing seems to be so easy for everyone else. And here I am not even ovulating. That's step one of making a baby and I can't even seem to do that.

I really, really hope that my doctor's appointment on Wednesday brings some good news. Anything for me to hold on to.

It's My Life; Don't You Forget

I'm in a relatively good mood today. And I feel like cleaning the house! (D couldn't be happier - our house has looked like a bomb hit it for the past few weeks.)

I've realized there is no point in being sad or stressing about this baby thing. It won't accomplish anything, in fact it will probably just make things worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm still bitter when I see babies and pregnant women; it defintely still strikes a chord. But I'm just not going to make it the central focus of my existance anymore.

I went for a coffee this morning, and as I was standing in line to pay, there was a woman with a baby behind me. The baby dropped something and let out this shriek that could have shattered glass. It was so loud, high-pitched and abnoxious that everyone in the cafe was caught off guard. The baby kept screaming and crying and his poor mum was beside herself with embarrassment. She finaly had to step out of line and take the baby outside.

Now granted, I would give anything for a baby; even a screaming bratty one. But I must admit, at that moment, I was a wee bit glad that I didn't have to deal with that kind of situation. Seeing that baby wail was perfect timing for me, because instead of feeling my usual bitterness and jealousy, I actually felt sorry for the mum, which helped lend strength to my attempts to see the big picture.

Today's plan: I'm going to get my house totally cleaned top to bottom, get some healthy groceries in, and spend some time on myself (facial, manicure, etc.). Good first steps to remembering who I was before all this TTCing took over my life.

And If At First You Don't Succeed

I'm home from work again today. Truthfully, I really do still feel sick; I'm hot and cold, and my head is all stuffed up. But even if I did feel better, I'm not sure if I would go in today. It's Friday after all, and I may as well just enjoying having this time off.

I've been up and down today; but trying to keep my positive affirmations from yesterday in mind. Part of me is really sad because I am sincerely starting to doubt if having a baby is ever going to be in the cards for us. I mean, if Clomid can't even make me ovulate, then what chance could we possibly have? On the other hand, I'm anxious and excited to keep trying; I'm ready to put myself once again in the very industrious hands of modern medicine. There must be something that can be done for me. I'm going to talk to my doctor about Femara, and maybe Follistim(?) shots, when I see her on Wednesday. We'll see what she says about that option.

I've been watching cooking shows all morning. My favourites are Chef at Home, Chef at Large, Everyday Italian and Barefoot Contessa. Watching these shows has inspired me even more to quit work and just stay home and take care of the house and D. I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home-wife-and-someday-mom. We'll know if it's going to be possible in October; that's when D has his review at work and hopefully he will get a nice raise that will mean my working days are numbered.

I know there are women who have infertility circumstances way worse than mine. And a lot of them have gone on to have perfect babies. I think I need to work on my patience a bit more. Even though D and I have been trying for over a year, I've only ovulated once in that time and I got pregnant that cycle. I'm willing to do whatever is neccessary to increase my chances - shots, IUI, meds, anything. It's not time to give up yet.

I can say one thing: Our baby will be the most appreciated and loved baby in the world. When you've had to work so hard for something, I can't imagine ever taking a single day for granted.

Enough Is Enough

Alright, that's it. No more drama. I've been looking back at my entries from this month and I swear it has been two straight weeks of complaining.

I'm done feeling negative. I am turning over a new leaf starting now.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, anymore than what I'm already doing anyway.

So here's my enlightened plan: I'm going to try to be as positive as possible, and try to, um...try less. I'm also going to attempt to keep things in perspective and focus on the other things in my life that make me happy. (hmmmm is there life beyond TTCing?)

I'm sure this moment of clarity is fleeting, and brought to you in part by NyQuil. That's part of the reason I'm documenting this thought in cyberspace; I want to remember it tomorrow when I slink back into my usual miserable state.

Sick & Tired

I'm home from work today. I've been feeling a bug coming on and last night it hit full force. I did try to go into the office but they sent me home right away. Fine with me. I'm ultra-depressed today and am quite happy not to have to deal with work.

At least I know now why my temp has gone up - I've got a fever! All makes sense now. I was stupid to get so excited about possibly being pregnant. I had all these symptoms, my period was late, temps going up, and I thought OMG this is it. Come to find out I didn't even ovulate this cycle. I've totally made something from nothing.

So why would I ovulate (and get pregnant) on 100mg of Clomid before but not even ovulate on the same dose this time? It doesn't make any sense. Am I considered "Clomid resistant" now? Is it because of the miscarriage? I totally don't get it; I thought Clomid forced your ovaries to ovulate. Should I be considering alternative therapies?

More importantly, should I just give up? I mean, what's the point if it's all just amounting to disappointment and frustration. D and I talked about putting our "trying" on hold for a while, just to give ourselves a break from all these ups and downs. On the one hand, it sounds like a good idea; I'm tired of feeling so wrecked. On the other hand, I'm 30 (and D is 35) and I know my clock is ticking at this age. We talked about adoption last night too. Maybe that's the road we should take instead. Although, truthfully, I really want my own child.

I don't know what to do. All I can say trying for a baby feels completely hopeless now. I'm honestly starting to doubt if it will ever happen for us.

Not Happening

I just got off the phone with my doctor. Apparently I did not ovulate this cycle. My progesterone levels were at 3.5. Not good.

I don't know why I'd be having all these pregnancy symptoms or why my temp has been going up. The soonest I can get in to see my doctor is next Wednesday at 3:15.

FUCK. I wanna cry.

13 DPO - Two More Negative HPTs

I took one hpt this morning (negative) and another one when I got home from work (negative). I know better than to think that a 9 hour difference would give me a different result, but I did it anyway. I was hoping for a miracle.

I really feel like I could be pregnant. The cramps and spotting are completely gone, and there seems to be no sign of my period coming at all. It is very unusual for me to have cramping and spotting but no period, like I did the last few days. Of course, ever since the miscarriage, there's no telling what's "usual" for me anymore. Notably, my temp went up (a bit) this morning also. I temped in the middle of the night when I got up to pee (37.47, and then again when I got up at my usual time (37.77). I wasn't sure which one to chart, so I used the lower of the two, for good measure.

So if I am pregnant, why would I be testing negative at 13 DPO? The only reasoning I can think of for this is that I implanted late (hence the spotting and cramping 9-12 DPO) and it will still take some time for the HCG levels to get into my bloodstream, and go from my bloodstream through my kidneys and into my urine. And then, of course, the levels have to build up enough in my urine to be registered by a test. I looked up this information online (of course), and I'm thinking that the research says it would take around 4-5 days for this to happen. Therefore, let's say implantation was complete on 10 DPO, so that means I wouldn't be able to get a positive test until at least 14 or 15 DPO. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking, I say as I stare at my freshly peed on negative pregnancy test.

This process is so funny. Just a few weeks ago, I was praying for my HCG levels to go down enough so we could start trying again. Now I just want them to go up up up!!!

I'll test again tomorrow. After that, I'm out of tests so I'll have to buy some more. That is, IF my period doesn't come.

I'm really hoping for a miracle here.

Let's Get On With It Already

12 DPO, still having light, brown spotting. But today, around 4:30pm, the cramps started getting intense. I was sure my period had started but I still haven't seen any blood. I really don't know what to think about this whole thing.

It's either implantation spotting or my period is seriously about to start. I just wish my body would hurry up and decide which one! So far, I've taken 5 pregnancy tests in three days. So far, all negative. OMG, this is an expensive little habit I'm picking up.

If my period doesn't start soon, I guess I'll just keep testing! (Test #6 is schedule for tomorrow morning!)

I had a good acupuncture appointment today. Dr. S said that he didn't know what was going on with the spotting, and that only time will tell. He said he really couldn't make any guesses about my cycle. He also said, however, that it could be implantation spotting as the timing was right and "stranger things have happened."

Dr. S added that maybe the best thing I could do is throw away my thermometer. Hmmm....I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet, but I'll take it under advisement.

I was busy busy busy at work today. So much to do. The day flew by, I even stayed a bit late. D got an iPhone today, which he's gleefully playing with downstairs. It's all good, I'm enjoying having a few minutes to myself!

Implantation Spotting, Negative HPT

Yesterday's brown spotting came and went all day yesterday but never amounted to more than what could be detected by wiping. It was noticeable; but only because I was looking for it, scrutinizing every piece of toilet paper. I've noticed it again this morning, but again, it's still brown and very faint.

I really believe I am experiencing implantation spotting. For me, pre-period spotting usually follows a pattern of getting more abundant until it develops into a full-blown period, and this process usually happens within a few hours or a day at the most. This is totally different. This comes and goes and does not seem to be getting any more abundant.

I convinced myself last night that I am indeed pregnant. Even today I actually still feel quite positive about it. My gut is telling me that I am. However, I took a First Response HPT this morning and it was negative. But it is still so early, I'm only at 11 DPO and if I just implanted yesterday or the day before then I don't know why would think I would get a positive just yet. But still, it was a bit sad not to see those two beautiful pink lines, even though intellectually I know I'm being crazy for testing so early. I'm going to test again tomorrow and the next day and the next day until I get my positive result.

I also went to the clinic this morning to ask for a blood test requisition to check my progesterone levels. She also ordered a blood pregnancy test but told me not to get it for at least a week as she thinks it's still too early to get accurate results.

I spent the whole day with L yesterday, and we walked all around town. It was a lovely day, sunny and bright, I even got a bit of a sunburn. She is 18 weeks along now, just where I would have been if I had not miscarried. She's starting to show. I'm really trying to make an honest effort to not let it get to me, but I'm afraid on some level she will always serve as a sad reminder of what I've lost. But at least we're still friends. I do love her.

Don't Count Me Out Just Yet

Well, after yesterday's drama, I was delighted to discover upon waking that my temps actually went up this morning. Not a lot, but enough to keep me in the game. And, to make things more interesting, when I went to the bathroom I noticed some brown CM when I wiped. There was just a little bit, and now it seems to be gone. Implantation spotting? Today is 10 DPO, is that too late for implantation?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. It could very well be my period coming 5-6 days early. Only time will tell. But at least it means something is going on in there!

So today, I have a better outlook on things. I'm feeling more at peace with whatever happens this cycle anyway.

Today is Saturday and I'm going to take it easy, maybe go back to sleep for a couple hours, maybe do some cleaning. We'll see wherer the day takes me.

*Sob*

I am so moody and bummed out today. I'm actually crying, tears streaming down my face as I type this.

All day long I've been "internally snapping" at people (basically thinking really snide and nasty things that I don't have the guts to say out loud). I warned D when I got home that he better not even try to make small talk with me.

I'm mostly sad because of my stupid chart. It is such a mess; falling temps since 4 DPO. I can't make any sense of it. If I ovulated and got pregnant, I should have a really high temp. If I ovulated and didn't get pregnant, I should at least sustain a high temp for several days. If I didn't ovulate, why not? I ovulated last cycle on Clomid, why not this cycle? I thought Clomid forced your ovaries to ovulate. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

I hate this feeling of helplessness and limbo.

PLUS, I'm having tons of possible pregnancy symptoms that just confuse me more. What does it mean when you have falling temps, but still have huge bloating, "shifting" uterus cramping, major mood swings, hot flashes, and tons of creamy CM (sorry TMI)? Is it possible there is any hope for me this cycle? How important is it to have a normal-looking chart?

I wish I could say that maybe it's just me, maybe my temps are just low. But my last cycle (the cycle I got pregnant) was a textbook example of what a BBT chart should look like. Why is so messed up this time?

Have I done something that I should be punished for? Do I not deserve to have a baby? Will I ever be happy again? Am I doomed to be childless and miserable for the rest of my life?

Don't Know What To Think

I was in a surprisingly good mood today, despite the fact that my temp dipped yet again this morning and now barely hovers above the coverline by one and a half tenths of a degree. Bummer. Oh well. I keep telling myself that if it's gonna dip, it might as well be early, rather than later when AF is due. If anyone is able to make any sense of my chart, I'd be eternally grateful. For your convenience, I've put the link to my chart on the left side of my blog.

TMI Update: I am still finding copious amounts of creamy CM. This is really a first for me. I've never experienced anything like it. And, last night I noticed that my nipples have become a bit sensitive, and they still feel slightly sensitive now. Also, I was extremely bloated today. The skin around my lower abdomen felt so tight all afternoon, in order to accommodate my huge bloated belly. It almost felt like there was a big rock sitting in my uterus. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up that these might be early pregnancy symptoms. It's probably nothing, right?

They're moving me to the other side of the office on Monday. So I can be next to the President and VP. I don't want to go, I like my little cubicle. Yes, it's flattering that they want me to move to be closer to the big boss, but at the same time, I am fully aware that this move will entail A LOT more work for me. Yay.

Sweet Relief

Fantastic news! I finally spoke to my doctor this afternoon and she said exactly what Anonymous Commenter said about TSH levels having a reaction with the pregnancy hormone HCG. I ended up being so freaked out that I got another blood test done yesterday to recheck my TSH levels. When my doctor had called, she already had yesterday's test results in hand. This time, they were well within normal limits; the were actually even on the low end of the spectrum. What a relief. I was so worked up over this and it was all for nothing. I must admit, I'm not doing a very good job of controlling my daily mini-meltdowns when it comes to this whole TTC process.

While I had my doctor on the phone today, I also asked her about my chart and she gave me a bit of a vague answer in that maybe it was so erratic due to not having enough sleep or something. (Of course, my sleep patterns have been regular, so I don't know about that.) Anyway, I realized it comes down to this: Either I ovulated or I didn't. I will find out for better or worse in about a week and there's nothing I can do about it until then. If I did ovulate, I have a pretty good chance of conceiving this cycle because lord knows we had plenty of sex. If I didn't ovulate, it would be a giant bummer, but we would try again on a higher level of Clomid. My gut is telling me that I did ovulate. I still have no idea what's going on with my chart but I guess only time will tell. If I get a huge temp increase tomorrow morning that makes my chart triphasic, I will be beyond happy and grateful. OMG if I DON'T have another dip, I'll be beyond happy and grateful!

TMI alert....Ever since ovulation, I have had copious amounts of creamy CM. Really creamy. Really plentiful. I wonder what is causing this. It's like nothing I've ever seen. I'd like to wonder if it's an early pregnancy symptom, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

OK, so my thyroid is normal, my PCOS seems to be managable, I can safely assume I ovulated, we had plenty of sex this cycle...I think I can offiially chill out now. I guess I have no reason to freak out anymore and besides, this story will go one way or the other and I'll find out either way in about a week. So there. This is me officially letting go.

Down Again, But Still Hoping

My temp went down AGAIN by another tenth of a degree. I don't know what's going on but it sure is discouraging. My temps haven't even hit 98 degrees once since ovulation. I can't see how that's not a bad sign.

By the way, I ended up getting a new BBT thermometer yesterday, because I convinced myself that my old one wasn't working properly. However, upon doing a side-by-side test (literally - one on each side of my tongue), I discovered that both read pretty much the same, which means that my old thermometer was indeed correct and I just wasted $25.

I heard back from my doctor's secretary this morning. She said that my TSH levels are not a problem, as the elevation is so small and the "Free T4" level is well within normal range. It's a relief, but I want to talk to my doctor about it anyway, and while I'm at it, I'll ask her about my wonky temps.

Today is 7 DPO and implantation could be taking place anytime now. Despite my discouragement, I am still hopeful.

On Hold

My low but level temp went down by two-tenths of a degree this morning, the lowest it has been since ovulation. I'm trying not to get discouraged. Maybe it is an implantation dip? I did feel a short-lived wave of nausea today. No cramping though. I just hope it goes back up tomorrow. That would thrill me to no end.

It occurred to me this morning that maybe my thermometer needs new batteries. I tested right when I woke up and got 97.7, then I moved the thermometer to the other side of my mouth and got 97.4. About 2 minutes later, I temped again and got 97.6. I'm thinking that a fluctuation like that can't be right. Perhaps a new thermometer is in order.

I called my doctor about the TSH results I discovered on the weekend. She is out of the office today but her secretary promised me that I would get a call back tomorrow.

I thought I noticed a little bit of pinkish-tinged CM today but it was such a small amount, I can't be sure. I think I am overly-aware of every little thing my body is doing, whether it's real or not.

I want so badly to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. It's all I think about.

The long weekend flew right by, and felt even shorter than a regular 2-day weekend. And now, I'm back at work and counting the minutes until 5:00pm. 2 hours and 52 minutes to be exact. D has the week off work and I'm so jealous.

Another Obstacle

A couple of weeks ago, my acupuncturist requested a copy of my chart from my doctor. When I went to my acupuncture appointment yesterday, Dr. S said that he had received the records and wanted to bring my attention to an issue. As it turns out, I had a higher-than-normal result from my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) blood test done in June (while I was pregnant). With this new piece of the puzzle, I am now considered to have hypothyroidism. I had no idea. No one ever told me this until yesterday. Why didn't my doctor call me?

I learned that hypothyroidism can cause infertility and early miscarriage. I was devasted. I cried all through my acupunture treatment. Dr. S didn't understand my tears. He said, "This is good news! Now that we know there is a problem, we can fix it!" But I wasn't crying about that. I was mostly upset because I realize now that there is a chance that my previous pregnancy could have been saved and I didn't know it. I know I shouldn't think like that but it's too late. I'm just sick about the whole thing.

I am also upset because this is yet another piece of bad news. I am so angry at my body right now. It's always something, and never anything good. I would love to get good news, just once.

I have been really emotional this weekend, I think due in part to the Clomid side effects. Tears feel really close to the surface.

Plus, I have no idea what my chart is doing. I know BBT charts can vary quite a bit, but my post-ovulation temps don't seem to be going up, they're just kind of level. I wanted so much to wake up this morning with a really hot temp, but it didn't happen.

I am feeling really, really discouraged today.

I Just Want To Understand

I woke up this morning to discover that my temp had not only NOT risen; it had fallen by one-tenth of a degree. I panicked and feverishly logged onto every TTC forum I belong to and posted my chart for everyone to look at. All replies seems to say that it's fine; it's only one tenth of a degree, not enough to mean anything. But I'm still concerned. I mean, my chart from the cycle where I got pregnant was picture-perfect. A textbook example of what a BBT chart should look like. And this cycle, well, it's all over the map. It's so frustrating. I know I can't control what my body is doing, but it would be nice to at least understand what's going on.

Here is my chart, below. If anyone can make any sense of what is happening, I'd be forever in your debt. What concerns me most is how erratic my temps have been. Also, I'm not thrilled with this morning's slight temp dip.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c4987

I'm going to talk to Dr. S about my chart tomorrow when I go for acupuncture. Maybe he will have some insight for me.

In other news, D and I went out to lunch and shopping with L and her husband today. It was fun, although my jealousy of L and her sucessful pregnancy makes it hard for me to really enjoy their company sometimes. Interestingly, while we walking around, I felt very wet "down there". When I went to the washroom, I discovered a bit of thick, transparent CM. It wasn't egg-white, too thick for that. But it was plentiful and it felt weird. I also noticed that some of it was slightly brownish-pink. I'm positive that it's too early for implantation at 3 DPO, but I do wonder what it means. I'm going to break my internet rule for a few minutes and see if I can find any relating information.

My house is a mess. A total disaster. Ug. I really gotta clean today.