Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Baby, Give It Up

I woke up this morning with an incredible urge to just give it all up. I'm tired of feeling so heartbroken all the time. Not everyone gets to have a baby; maybe I'm just one of the unlucky ones.

The stress of TTC is on my mind all the time. It's so frustrating to keep trying at something that just doesn't seem to happen the way I want it to. And if I should be so lucky as to get pregnant again, there will be a whole new level of stress and worry around keeping the pregnancy. Going through one miscarriage almost killed me; I can't even imagine doing it all over again.

And here's the thing: There are no guarantees in any of this. And lately, there isn't even any joy. It's all sadness, all the time. I'm exhausted by the whole stupid thing.

I don't think that I'll feel much better for not trying. But at least the pressure's off. I have no doubt I'll still shudder at the news of newly pregnant friends. I'm sure I'll continue to feel sick at the sight of pregnant bellies and babies. But at least I'll know where I stand and I can get on with my life, for better or for worse. I can start planning for my future, even if it's not the future I had hoped for.

I can't tell yet how much of this post is serious and how much is just venting. A lot will be dictated by my appointment with Dr. R tomorrow. Once I know my options, I can decided what I want to do.

One thing is for sure: Once you decide that you want a child, not having one sure makes life feel empty and pointless. I just don't know what to do.