Monday, September 17, 2007

All Things Considered

I still feel a bit sick today. And I still feel kinda weepy.

I had an interesting acupuncture appointment today. I told Dr. S that I found out that I didn't ovulate this cycle. He wasn't surprised. He said it was a bit ambitious of me to try again so soon after the miscarriage. He added that he would prefer that I wait for 3 to 6 cycles before actively trying again. I'm not totally opposed to waiting, but I am concerned because I'm already 30 (almost 31) and D is 35. I know that every year we wait it will get harder and harder to conceive. And plus, we don't want to be "old" parents. Dr. S says that 30 isn't old and in fact, I am one of his youngest patients.

I don't feel very young.

So I guess I'll think on that. And I'll see what Dr. R (my OB/GYN) has to say about my options at my appointment on Wednesday. I must admit, even just thinking about taking a break makes me feel sad. Like I'm giving up.

I've been "trying" for so long now, it's become part of my identity.

Dr. S asked me to describe what I'm feeling these days. God, where to start, I wondered. I'm glad he asked because it made me think about what was going on in my head. I came up with this:

-Jealousy (directed at all my pregnant friends and anyone in general who is pregnant or has an infant)
-Anger (at my body)
-Dispair (I doubt sometimes that I will ever have a baby or be happy)
-Profound sadness

All in all, an interesting appointment, even though I cried straight through it.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you have any luck finding a psychologist/ counselor?

Hilary, In a Nutshell: said...

Yes, I was seeing a councelor but had to stop going because it got too expensive. My insurance only covered 3 sessions. I thought my money would be better spent doing physical treatment like acupuncture. I wish I could do both but it would be quite a strain financially. I may go back to counceling at some point...I'm playing it by ear at the moment.

Anonymous said...

Hilary ((((HUGS))) you're not old. I've heard of people in the 40s who have conceived their first child. I know, I don't want to wait that long either but it is still possible to get pregnant, so there's still hope. I hope you will get your BFP soon and carry a healthy baby to term. (((HUGS)))

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