Sunday, September 16, 2007

Tea & Tears

Laying low today.

I had breakfast with a friend this morning. While we were sipping our tea, we ran into another friend who announced right away that she's 10 weeks pregnant with her second baby. Maybe it was because it was morning, or I was feeling even more fragile than usual, but I burst into tears right then and there in front of both girls. I felt like a total idiot. I let them know what was going on and why I was upset, and they both felt so bad for me, rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay. And of course, then came the obligatory regaling of stories of family members and friends they know who have had miscarriages. It was awful. Just humiliating. I have pretty much no handle on my minute-to-minute emotions. It seems like no matter how strong I think I finally am, it only takes a little thing like hearing that someone's pregnant to shatter me all over again.

Like the drama queen that I am, I apologized and excused myself. I told them both I just had to go home and I left the cafe. I went home and had a cry and a nap. And here I am now.

It's 2:30pm on a Sunday afternoon and I'm in my pajamas already. I just don't feel like doing anything.

I feel so utterly hopeless right now and on top of that I'm jealous that this whole baby thing seems to be so easy for everyone else. And here I am not even ovulating. That's step one of making a baby and I can't even seem to do that.

I really, really hope that my doctor's appointment on Wednesday brings some good news. Anything for me to hold on to.