Thursday, September 27, 2007

Intestinal Fortitude

I've been relatively calm and hopeful about next cycle's upcoming events. Maybe it's because it's still a few weeks off. Or maybe I'm finally coming to a sort of inner peace about this whole TTC thing. I hope it's the later. Truly though (and maybe this is just the ebb and flow of my hormones), I don't feel as angry with the world as I have been over the past couple of months.

My good friend L and her husband came over for dinner last night. L got pregnant on the exact same day that I did; L is now 5 months along, while I went on to miscarry at only 7 weeks. It was really hard to be friends with her for a while after the miscarriage, and our friendship went through some rocky times. It was so difficult for me to be happy for her, while trying to sift through my own jealousy and bitterness that she is happily experiencing what I should have been. I'm ashamed to say that in my darkest hour, I even wished that she would miscarry too.

But lately, just in the last couple of weeks, things have been easier. Seeing L hasn't been nearly as hard for me, and I'm so happy our friendship has weathered the storm. I am starting to be truly happy for her, and I am feeling more relaxed about where I'm at right now. And I am confident that I will get pregnant again, sooner or later.

That's not to say that my good ol' biological clock isn't ticking away...The other day, D and I were watching TV and we saw the sweetest baby girl. Immediately, every inch of my being practically seized up with the incredible feeling that I need a baby NOW. Such an overwhelming desire.

I'm grateful for my newly acquired relief from TTC anxiety, and for this sense of quiet calm, positivity and purpose. It's probably fleeting, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts and try to bring myself back to this place when I start feeling anxious again...which, knowing me, I'm sure is right around the corner. But for now, I accept where I am right now. There's no reason not to.

I will get pregnant again, and I will have a healthy baby. It's just a matter of time. For the first time in a very long time I feel sure of that. Intestinal fortitude, I believe they call it.

3 comments:

Melissa said...

Hang on to the positive feelings for as long as you can-they can run away too quickly if you don't keep a watchful eye. I have been reading a book called "Conquering Infertility" by Alice Domar and it's an interesting look at how stress and depression are tied to higher infertility rates in already fertility challenged women. It probably sounds stupid, but it's about the mind-body connection to enhanced fertility for women who are struggling. I usually don't like this kind of stuff, but I find it's really helped me learn more about myself and how I react to all this.

Cheers to you!

Anonymous said...

Or maybe it's ovarian fortitude.

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