Sunday, September 30, 2007

What I Know Now

It's rainy and windy this morning and I slept in as long as I could. It was glorious.

And now I'm in such an odd mood. Maybe it was my weird sex dream last night (doing it in the attic of my childhood home with all the guys from Entourage), or maybe it's the weather, but I am feeling introspective in the extreme.

My mind is brought back to where we were a year and a half ago when we officially started the process of trying to make a baby. How stupid I was back then. I didn't know anything about my body at all. I remember stopping birth control pills specifically to start trying. About a month later, for the first time ever, I discovered that I was gushing egg-white cervical fluid, only I was too uneducated about my body to know what it was at that time. I had never seen it before. I thought it was a pregnancy sign, because it happend around CD 30 and my period hadn't come. It had never occured to me that my cycle might last longer than 28 days, as I had been on birth control to regulate my periods since age 14. I diligently had sex during days 12-15 of that first trying cycle, and I thought surely I had timed things perfectly. That was the first and last time I ever ovulated naturally, and it was probably caused by going off the BCPs. God, if I only knew then what I know now.

I think about all the months I wasted trying to time intercourse for an ovulation that never occured. I think about all the advice I listened to, all the things I just assumed about myself. None of it turned out to be true. All of it was wasted time.

And here I am now, a self-proclaimed expert in all things reproductive. Years of trying at something unsuccessfully will certainly turn into an intense source of education. As I think about the upcoming IUI, I am struck by just how far we've come in this process, and just how far, it's turned out, we're willing to go. Will I look back on this years from now and be happy and content with how everything worked out? Or will I think of it as another waste of time, wishing that I knew now what I'll know then?

9 comments:

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters said...

Wouldn't it be great if we could have a way of knowing that all of the time, effort, money, etc. that we put into TTC would actually result in a real, live baby? I know just how you feel because I swear, if I could just know that things will work out I wouldn't spend so much time researching, stressing and being angry, bitter, and miserable.

It's all a gamble. We just have to hope that the odds are in our favor. :)

Barb said...

I had eggwhite right before we "officially" started. Haven't had it on my own since. Pisses me off.

Thanks for your thanks! it made me happy too. :)

Melissa said...

In the end, you will know that you did everything you possibly could to achieve your hopes for a baby. If nothing else, you will have that.

Fertilize Me said...

i think we are feeling somewhat the same on aloto f issues right now! here's hoping for us

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