Friday, September 7, 2007

*Sob*

I am so moody and bummed out today. I'm actually crying, tears streaming down my face as I type this.

All day long I've been "internally snapping" at people (basically thinking really snide and nasty things that I don't have the guts to say out loud). I warned D when I got home that he better not even try to make small talk with me.

I'm mostly sad because of my stupid chart. It is such a mess; falling temps since 4 DPO. I can't make any sense of it. If I ovulated and got pregnant, I should have a really high temp. If I ovulated and didn't get pregnant, I should at least sustain a high temp for several days. If I didn't ovulate, why not? I ovulated last cycle on Clomid, why not this cycle? I thought Clomid forced your ovaries to ovulate. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

I hate this feeling of helplessness and limbo.

PLUS, I'm having tons of possible pregnancy symptoms that just confuse me more. What does it mean when you have falling temps, but still have huge bloating, "shifting" uterus cramping, major mood swings, hot flashes, and tons of creamy CM (sorry TMI)? Is it possible there is any hope for me this cycle? How important is it to have a normal-looking chart?

I wish I could say that maybe it's just me, maybe my temps are just low. But my last cycle (the cycle I got pregnant) was a textbook example of what a BBT chart should look like. Why is so messed up this time?

Have I done something that I should be punished for? Do I not deserve to have a baby? Will I ever be happy again? Am I doomed to be childless and miserable for the rest of my life?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It doesn’t look like you could be pregnant this cycle. As frustrating as that is, don’t lose hope! In women your age without PCOS, the probability of getting pregnant in each cycle is only about 15-20%. So many planets have to align! Clomid certainly helps, but it’s not a guarantee.

The good news is that it looks like you did ovulate. At least you had the LH surge and the progesterone surge at the right time. Maybe it wasn’t your best egg this month, but at least your body is getting into the rhythm of what it’s supposed to do! Have you charted in other months? Do the temps always go down like that? Remember, you’re looking for overall patterns, not just one temp or one month.

Hang in there! And no, you’re not being punished… Unless everyone who doesn’t get pregnant on the first try is.

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