How Can I Say Thank You?

I have recently been informed of a friend’s tragic miscarriage. She has been “trying” for as long as I had, and we’ve bonded throughout the process.

When I found out she was pregnant, I was so excited. But the news of late is not good, and unfortunately she wasn't able to keep the pregnancy. My heart just breaks for her. This is a pain I remember all too freshly, and she really does not deserve to go through this.

Her story has been a huge reality check for me. Of course, I realize how lucky I am to be pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy and this baby; it underscores everything I do, think, feel and say every second of every single day. To say I’m grateful is a serious understatement.

But actions speak louder than words. And every time I worry, fret and stress about the details of this pregnancy, in a way, I feel like it’s an insult to all those who are trying desperately to conceive, struggling with infertility, coping with a miscarriage, etc. If I’m not ecstatically happy and excited during every single minute of this pregnancy, in a sense, it’s an affront to everyone out there who would give anything to get to experience this amazing gift that I am so.incredibly.lucky to be experiencing.

Granted, there are a lot of worries that come along with pregnancy. No one can deny that. But if I don’t try to keep a balance going, then it’s almost like I’m not being appreciative of everything I’ve been blessed with. I never want to take a single second of this magic for granted.

Certainly, every day gets a bit easier. The more I feel Maya moving and the further along I get, the less anxiety I tend to have in general. But somehow, I always seem to find something. Whether my worries are insignificant or justified, I never truly let myself be completely 100% happy. I guess there is some superstitious part of me that is afraid I’m going to jinx myself.

So how can I say thank you? How can I begin to be worthy of this gift of all gifts? By having a little more faith, a little more confidence, a little more trust, in this miracle. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I think it’s time to start acting like it.

Like Sleeping In A Hug

I ordered the Snoogle maternity pillow a week ago and it finally arrived yesterday. I took her for a test drive last night and WOW – what a difference. After weeks of having mediocre sleep, I finally got a good night’s rest. (Of course I did get up about 5 times to pee, but that’s not the pillow’s fault.) The Snoogle is like sleeping in a hug. If you’re having trouble getting comfortable in bed, I can’t recommend this pillow enough. And PS- it doubles as a nursing pillow!

For those of you unfamiliar, this is what I’m talking about:

Being officially over half-way through this pregnancy has certainly afforded me a new perspective. Granted, I’m still superstitious as hell and my anxiety still plagues me every day, but I’m starting to dare to envision that I just might come out of this pregnancy with a real.live.baby. A daughter. This summer.

D and I talk about baby girl and our plans for her every day. Last night we discussed how we’d tuck her in at night and what bedtime stories we would read to her. We talked about Saturday morning cartoons, raising our daughter to be confident, and Halloween costumes. Slowly but surely, everything is becoming more…real.

Every hope and dream, want and need, prayer and wish, I’ve ever had in my life comes down to this baby being born healthy, strong, perfect and full-term, this August 2008.

Viva La Maya!

21 Weeks Today

To celebrate the 21-week mark, Maya has been extra active today. I've felt her at least a handful of times every few hours. I LOVE IT. I have never experienced anything more magical or transcendent than feeling my baby, busy and kicking, in my belly. I just love her so much already.

She even let D feel her from the outside again today. This time through clothing, so her movements are getting stronger, I think.

Like my little daughter, I also had a busy day. I went to acupuncture this morning - which was much needed - and had a great session. Baby girl seemed to like it too; she started moving all around from the moment we sat down in the waiting area. After that, I met with our soon-to-be childbirthing class instructor (classes will start in June). She suggested that I pick up a couple of books from her to start preparing for classes. We have decided to have private classes at our home, because D's schedule is way too crazy for him to be able to attend a standard, regimented class. Fine with me. I think D and I will both benefit from the individualized attention. We will be taking the Birthing From Within childbirth series - more on that later when class dates loom closer.

When I got home, I found our friends L and S and their brand new baby boy hanging out with D at our place. What a wonderful surprise. We had a lovely visit with them, and after they left, D and I settled into the final DVD of our brand new Firefly box set (we do enjoy our Sci-Fi!). Baby girl kept busy the whole time.

A very good Sunday indeed.

Tap Tap Sleep

This is the first week where I’ve felt baby girl move at least once every day. I’m still not feeling kicks (at least I don’t think I am); what I’m feeling is more akin to 'taps'. Tap tap tap. It feels like someone lightly flicking the underside of a water balloon. To date, I’ve felt her three times from the outside. I have to be quick though – she is a crafty little thing and prefers to remain unpredictable – I think she likes to keep ‘em guessing. That’s my girl.

I have been trying to figure out her activity schedule pattern – or at least some rough semblance of one. It’s still early, but what I have been able to figure out is that generally speaking (and I do mean generally), she tends to be most active between dinner and bedtime. This seems to baby girl’s party time. If I’m lucky, I’ll also feel her a handful of times throughout the rest of the day, although her movements are sporadic and random to say the least. I still haven’t felt her move while I’ve been asleep.

Over the last two days, she has been quieter than she was earlier in the week. I have felt her tiny taps here and there, but as mentioned above, she refuses to be predictable. I think she sensed that her mummy was starting to figure her out, and changed things up accordingly, to keep the mystery alive.

I am really looking forward to some nice, hard, full-blown kicks and punches.

Definitely TMI - Anyone Had This?

So I'm sitting at my desk at work this morning, when I got that "feeling" that I had to run to the loo to do number two...

As soon as I stood up and started walking toward the washroom, I felt a RIPPING, STABBING, SEARING pain of considerable intensity sweep over my entire lower abdomen. It really hurt! I almost had to catch my breath! The pain lasted for about 30 seconds in total, and then subsided completely.

I called my doctor's immediately because at that point I was thinking I was going to head straight for the hospital. My doctor wasn't available so the receptionist said she'd get her to give me a call. When I finally couldn't take the waiting anymore, ducked out of work, went home and checked the baby with the Doppler. Thank G-d all was well - baby's heart rate was about 155.

I haven't felt that pain again at all since it happened. Once I was able to shake the panic, I've felt totally fine, totally normal.

I think what I was feeling had something to do with my intestines - perhaps related to *clears throat* number two. Has anyone experienced this? Should I just chalk this up to one of the many mystery aches and pains that come along with being pregnant?

Unsettling Dreams

Last night I dreamed that I kept forgetting my baby in random places. I'd find myself at, say, the grocery store and suddenly come to the startling realization that I forgot my baby daughter - unattended - at home. So I'd rush home, get her, and bring her to the grocery store, only to head home again and realize that I left her at the store!

I woke up in a cold, panicked sweat. I think subconsciously I'm a little daunted by this whole prospect of being a mother. I really, really, REALLY want to be a great mum. I am confident to a degree, but obviously there is a little part of me that is kinda nervous!

Belly Pic - 5 Months Pregnant