Thursday, April 10, 2008

How Can I Say Thank You?

I have recently been informed of a friend’s tragic miscarriage. She has been “trying” for as long as I had, and we’ve bonded throughout the process.

When I found out she was pregnant, I was so excited. But the news of late is not good, and unfortunately she wasn't able to keep the pregnancy. My heart just breaks for her. This is a pain I remember all too freshly, and she really does not deserve to go through this.

Her story has been a huge reality check for me. Of course, I realize how lucky I am to be pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy and this baby; it underscores everything I do, think, feel and say every second of every single day. To say I’m grateful is a serious understatement.

But actions speak louder than words. And every time I worry, fret and stress about the details of this pregnancy, in a way, I feel like it’s an insult to all those who are trying desperately to conceive, struggling with infertility, coping with a miscarriage, etc. If I’m not ecstatically happy and excited during every single minute of this pregnancy, in a sense, it’s an affront to everyone out there who would give anything to get to experience this amazing gift that I am so.incredibly.lucky to be experiencing.

Granted, there are a lot of worries that come along with pregnancy. No one can deny that. But if I don’t try to keep a balance going, then it’s almost like I’m not being appreciative of everything I’ve been blessed with. I never want to take a single second of this magic for granted.

Certainly, every day gets a bit easier. The more I feel Maya moving and the further along I get, the less anxiety I tend to have in general. But somehow, I always seem to find something. Whether my worries are insignificant or justified, I never truly let myself be completely 100% happy. I guess there is some superstitious part of me that is afraid I’m going to jinx myself.

So how can I say thank you? How can I begin to be worthy of this gift of all gifts? By having a little more faith, a little more confidence, a little more trust, in this miracle. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I think it’s time to start acting like it.

7 comments:

Mel said...

You are the luckiest girl in the world and Maya is the luckiest baby in the world to get you for her mommy.
You are doing great.
*hugs*

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Firstly it's so sad to hear about your friend. That is without doubt, my worst nightmare.

It's good to see you start to 'lighten' up a bit, I don't mean that in a fickle way.

It's even better to see you realise yourself what you have, and are aware that you need to enjoy it. That's a big step.

So, go enjoy it!

Fertilized said...

I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

I think being from "that side of the fence", we do tend to look at woory and fret as an insult. But it is best to recognize your feelings and try your best to move through them. Worry and fret is part of it. By not acknowledging these feelings, you are discounting them and telling yourself that you should feel something that you don't - then there is guilt ..so it's a cycle.

That is where balance comes in. you are right, you are hte luckiest girl inthe world, but yor feelings are still real. And you are entitled to them. It's a balancing act to not go to either extreme - and you are just doing your best- that is all you can be asked to do.

But i am glad that you are feeling like the luckiest girl!

Alisha said...

Well said--you spoke my thoughts :)

christina(apronstrings) said...

well i am at least glad that she has a friend like you.

Kristen said...

I am so sorry for your friend. I have been there and it sucks. I wish her lots of peace during the healing process.

BTW, I am totally guilty of the same thing. I do fret and complain, but I think we do so because we care so much. We REALIZE how lucky we are and therefore, we know what we have to lose. Our hearts really are in the right place, even if to some it doesn't seem that way. We wouldn't be good parents if we didn't worry needlessly :)

XOXO

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