Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Apologies

My darling Scrappy,

I owe you an apology. Several apologies, actually. Because of what happened with your sister last summer, there is a part of me that is scared to get excited about you, even scared to trust you. I have managed to find something to worry about, despite every milestone that you’ve passed. Instead of enjoying this pregnancy and finding joy in every day you are with me, healthy and growing, I have been focusing almost all my attention on anything and everything that could still go wrong. This is not good for you or me, and it stops now.

I don’t know why I’ve doubted you so much. It’s not fair to you that I’ve made you prove yourself over and over again to me. I’m sorry that I’ve taken to the internet with every burp, hiccup and bizarre paranoid delusion about you that has crossed my mind. I’m sorry that I’ve rushed to the walk-in clinic not once, but TWICE this week, just to verify that your beautiful beating heart is still there. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to bring myself to buy you anything or start on your nursery yet. You don’t deserve any of this.

I will be cancelling the Nuchal Translucency Screening that I have booked. I don’t want to ask any more questions of you. We already know that you are growing, healthy and strong; I don’t need or want to know anything else. Besides, there is nothing anyone can tell your daddy or me that will make us love you any less than we already do.

You are the most important thing in our lives, little Scrappy. You are in my every thought and I would do anything for you. I love you so much it makes me cry. Because of this, and coupled with the fact that I have been so conditioned to receive bad news, is why I think I’ve treated you so disrespectfully until now. I didn’t do it on purpose – it’s all been a product of my fear, but that’s no excuse. I want you to know: I am so sorry, I do trust you, and my behavior is going to change. Now.

I am new at this mothering thing and I suspect this will not be the last mistake I’ll make. But I'm learning.

Please forgive me.

Love,
Your Mum