Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Rewind: About two months ago, right after the miscarriage, I took a week off work to recover. When I returned to work, I bumped into a girl by the name of N, who works on the same floor in the office accross from my office. We had always made small talk when we saw each other in the elevator and the washroom. She asked me where I had been during the previous week and I told her I had a miscarriage and was off so I could recover. Her faced changed immediately in such a way that I knew right away she had been through the same thing. She told me how she had had a miscarriage two months prior and right then and there we made an immediate connection that transcended our usual chit chat in passing.

Fast Forward To Today: I asked N if she wanted to go for lunch sometime, and sometime ended up being today. She brought along another girl named B from her office who had been trying for several months unsuccessfully to get pregnant. We had the most amazing talk, the three of us, and it was so nice to connect with other females who are going through similar experiences. N is a two months ahead of me in her recovery and she gave me some great advice and shared her own outlook with me which really helped me feel better. And now I have two new friends! We made plans to have another lunch in a couple of weeks and I am really looking forward to it.

I felt so good about things after lunch, I came back to my office feeling recharged and more optimistic than I had been in a long time. I had an exceptionally productive afternoon and there was lots to do so the time just flew by. I buzzed through the remainder of the workday thinking that I very well may have finally turned a corner...

...and then it happened.

It is my job to manage the office calendar and anyone who takes time off is supposed to let me know so I can keep track. About 5 minutes before the end of the day, the girl who sits in the cubicle beside mine came to my desk and said she needed to take half a day off tomorrow so she can go to the doctor. I think deep down I had a feeling about what was coming. I stupidly said, "Oh I hope you're okay!" to which she excitedly replied in a whisper, "I'm MORE than okay - I'm PREGNANT! And I'm going to my first doctor's appointment tomorrow morning!"

My heart dropped right through the floor in that moment and I immediately felt that oh so familiar lump in my throat. I tried as best as I could to muster up the best "congratulations" I could, as wimpy and insincere as it was. Not that she noticed. She happily skipped down the hall to the office kitchen mumbling something about how her appetite is going crazy and she can't stop eating and she's going for her third snack of the afternoon, blah blah blah...

The tears came right away. I tried to stop them by instinctively fanning my eyes with my hands but it didn't help, not that I expected it to. Big warm wet ones. And just like that, I was back at square one.

How long, I wonder, before it stops hurting like this?

I left the office right afterwards and headed for home. All the loveliness from my delicioius afternoon was completely gone. Back in my familiar blue funk again.

When I got home, my husband D asked how my day was, to which I replied "OK". He just knew something was up so he asked me what happened. [I have to interject here to say that I should know better than to talk to D about this kind of stuff. He just doesn't get it AT ALL.] I foolishly told him what happened, about my lovely lunch and my newly pregnant coworker, and how I felt about it. He simply replied, "So what? Why do you care? It doesn't affect us."

And while I know he's right, it doesn't affect us, he has no way to understand how it feels. I guess it's because he's a guy. Or maybe it's because he's got a WAAAAAAAY more positive outlook on this situation than I do. Either way, I immediately regretted making mention of my day and vowed internally to stop talking to D about how I feel. He just wants me to "get over it". What he doesn't understand is that I would absolutely LOVE to "get over it", but unfortunately I have no idea how to begin doing that right now.

D is out with his friends tonight at the pub. Truth be told, I'm delighted to have the place to myself. I don't feel like being around anyone lately, not even D. I think if I could, I'd become a hermit for a few weeks and shut myself in. Sounds like heaven right now.

In happier news, tomorrow is the Friday before a three-day weekend. Beautiful! I think I'm going to stay close to home, do the laundry and a bit of housework, and spend the rest of the time posting to all my beloved newfound online forums and message boards that I have come to enjoy so much. They are as close to therapy as I can get right now and I am so grateful for each and every one of them.

Speaking of grateful, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for all the people who have taken the time to read this blog and leave such incredibly sweet and thoughtful comments. I never dreamed in a million years someone would actually read this thing and it feels amazing to make a connection with total strangers out there who are going through similar circumstances. You have no idea how much you are contributing to my healing process. From the bottom of my heart...thank you.