Saturday, December 15, 2007

What A Hellish Hell

It's now Saturday morning and I'm still waiting for my doctor to call. She did send me a brief email last night saying essentially not to worry too much about my slow rise. But somehow that has not made me feel better. At all. Everything I've read is such bad news.

Yesterday was an awful day. My crying turned into sobbing, which turned into full blown wailing. That same familiar feeling when I lost my baby last time. I feel defeated, heartbroken, devastated and defective.

D came home later and we proceeded to get into a huge fight. We're both on edge I guess. It was horrible. I ended up going to bed at about 8:00pm and dreamed all night about divorce, miscarriage, dead relatives and other terrible things. I woke up not feeling the least bit pregnant anymore.

Today I feel numb. I'm scared to feel hopeful and am much more comfortable bracing myself for the worst. My doctor should be calling me sometime this morning, and I'll repost with an update after she calls.

I would give anything, anything in the world to have this pregnancy be viable.