4dp5dt

Thanks to everyone who left those wonderfully soothing comments in response to yesterday's post. You guys don't know how much it helped.

I'm much better today. I'm starting to get the urge to take a pregnancy test, but I know I won't. I don't have the courage yet. I'm supposed to test on December 12th (next Wednesday) and I don't even know if I'll have mustered up the intestinal fortitude by then either. I will be devastated if the test is negative. I'd almost rather not know than see a negative test.

My confidence goes back and forth. I have moments where I feel like I could very well be pregnant and other moments where I can't see how it could be possible. I think the latter is a sick form a self protection. Even though I realize that thinking like this doesn't protect me from anything. I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility that this IVF did not work.

But all in all, I feel pretty good. To be honest, I'm trying not to think about it at all. Of course that didn't stop me from Googling the night sweats I've been having (possible early pregnancy symptom?) this morning. Yes, I broke my rule again. Ah I can't seem to resist the lure of Dr. Google...

The truth is, I don't really feel much different. A few twinges here and there. And D says my boobs are bigger and the areolas appear slightly darker. And the night sweats. But all of this is totally subjective and/or can be explained away by the high dose of progesterone that I'm on. I wouldn't mind getting my hopes up a bit but I don't have much to base it on yet. Hopefully that will change. I'd give anything to suddenly manifest a big obvious early pregnancy symptom. I'm only 4 days past transfer...anything could happen, right?