Yes, despite my cheery outlook of late, the bitter, jealous, hideously wretched Hilary still looms under the surface.
We had our friends L and S over for dinner last night. This is "pregnant L" I'm referring to, mind you, the very same L who shared the same conception date as me. And while I went on to miscarry, L has continued on with her healthy pregnancy. L is now about 7 months along, and sporting a huge pregnant belly.
L is one of my best friends, and we see each other often. When I first miscarried, I couldn't see her for weeks, as her successful, ongoing pregnancy was a constant reminder of what I had lost. But as time passed and I started to heal a bit, my tolerance for seeing L got better. Over the last few months, I've been 98.5% OK with hanging out with L, especially since we've been moving forward with the IVF. I'm even happy for her, something I never thought would be possible. I've been very proud of myself for how much I've been able to tolerate, despite my fragile state.
However. Last night, we were all sitting on my big couch watching a movie. I sat next to L and somewhere half-way through the movie, I glanced at her giant protruding belly and watched as she gently rubbed it. As if she was already soothing and comforting her yet-to-be-born infant. This was a beautiful example of parental love and motherhood. And it made me jealous as hell. The pangs of jealousy and envy were so sudden and violent, that I actually had to get up from the movie and spend a few minutes in the kitchen by myself. I just felt so slighted. Sometimes I forget, in all my optimism and fortitude, that I am still somewhat of a wreck underneath it all.
After they left, I asked D if he thought I would have a giant belly like L in a few months. Without a moment's hesitation, he replied "Yes!" I asked him how he could be so positive. He answered, "It doesn't do us any good to think otherwise". This statement made me feel better and worse simultaneously.
I wonder, once I'm pregnant or even after I have a baby, will I still feel this instinctive bitterness toward pregnant women? I wonder, does this feeling ever go away? Or is it so deeply instilled in my being that this knee-jerk jealous reaction will always be part of my persona? I've changed 10,000 times since the miscarriage, and then again, not at all.