Yes, despite my cheery outlook of late, the bitter, jealous, hideously wretched Hilary still looms under the surface.
We had our friends L and S over for dinner last night. This is "pregnant L" I'm referring to, mind you, the very same L who shared the same conception date as me. And while I went on to miscarry, L has continued on with her healthy pregnancy. L is now about 7 months along, and sporting a huge pregnant belly.
L is one of my best friends, and we see each other often. When I first miscarried, I couldn't see her for weeks, as her successful, ongoing pregnancy was a constant reminder of what I had lost. But as time passed and I started to heal a bit, my tolerance for seeing L got better. Over the last few months, I've been 98.5% OK with hanging out with L, especially since we've been moving forward with the IVF. I'm even happy for her, something I never thought would be possible. I've been very proud of myself for how much I've been able to tolerate, despite my fragile state.
However. Last night, we were all sitting on my big couch watching a movie. I sat next to L and somewhere half-way through the movie, I glanced at her giant protruding belly and watched as she gently rubbed it. As if she was already soothing and comforting her yet-to-be-born infant. This was a beautiful example of parental love and motherhood. And it made me jealous as hell. The pangs of jealousy and envy were so sudden and violent, that I actually had to get up from the movie and spend a few minutes in the kitchen by myself. I just felt so slighted. Sometimes I forget, in all my optimism and fortitude, that I am still somewhat of a wreck underneath it all.
After they left, I asked D if he thought I would have a giant belly like L in a few months. Without a moment's hesitation, he replied "Yes!" I asked him how he could be so positive. He answered, "It doesn't do us any good to think otherwise". This statement made me feel better and worse simultaneously.
I wonder, once I'm pregnant or even after I have a baby, will I still feel this instinctive bitterness toward pregnant women? I wonder, does this feeling ever go away? Or is it so deeply instilled in my being that this knee-jerk jealous reaction will always be part of my persona? I've changed 10,000 times since the miscarriage, and then again, not at all.
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6 comments:
I don't know if the feeling ever goes away, especially knowing those who so easily get and stay pregnant. I'm in a similar situation to you since my good friend is currently 7 months pregnant. I too am ok with her pregnancy, yet its the little moments that I see jealousy rearing its ugly head. I've come to accept that I'm bound to be jealous of any pregnancy, but I'm less jealous of those who have experienced IF. I'm not sure why.
will I still feel this instinctive bitterness toward pregnant women?
Yes.
23w tomorrow and I still get bitter and envious and jealous.
Go figure.
It's always unnerving to trick yourself into thinking you've got your shit together, only to discover that you've just gotten REALLY used to your game face.
I think that bitterness will always stay. And will show up at the strangest times...
I think it's so hard to NOT feel something, you just have to let the feelings that are there rise to the surface and deal with them. What makes us "good" people is how we HANDLE our feelings, not what we feel. Everyone has evil, inexplainable wretched thoughts. We're human. Don't beat yourself up over it. Stay positive, your IVF is just around the corner!
I have those same knee jerk reactions. And they're horrible.
xo
I often wonder this myself. I am healing and getting better, yet still have days where I want to kill every pregnant woman I know. I hate them all for being pregnant and having babies and not having to hurt like I do. But obviously I know how irrational that is. It just sucks and I really hope I am not like this forever. I WANT to get rid of the knee jerk reaction. Let's hope that's how it works.
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