Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Stillness About You

Last night, at my acupuncture appointment, I talked to Dr. S about what he feels makes an IVF successful. His answer was outlook, spirit, age and response to treatment. When I prompted him to comment on what he thinks about MY chances, he said that he thought they were good because I have a very positive spirit. Then he said something that really blew my mind: He said, "Underneath everything, you have a stillness about you, and inner calm...you like to think you're more anxious than you really are."

Whoa. *Nuclear brain explosion* What a concept. Could it be true? Me??

I have not been able to shake this statement since. Is it possible that my anxiety is just some movie that's being projected on a still white screen? Could it be that all my worry is just waves and ripples of water that merely exist on the surface, high above the calm dark ocean floor? Is all this just one small aspect of my persona, that just happens to be loud enough to get the most attention? Am I really a "still" person underneath it all?

Aside from being, well, pretty much the best compliment I've ever received, Dr. S's words tapped into a level of my consciousness that I didn't even know existed. The idea that I deceive myself into thinking that I am this nervous wreck all the time is liberating and sad all at once. Sad, because the anxiety is just an illusion and I've been spending precious time cultivating this illusion. Sad, because I've been giving the squeaky wheel the grease for so long now, neglecting the rest of me.

It's time to focus on the stillness. Everything else is just details. I'm not just going to try to relax, I am going to be. Just be. Let's see what happens.

...Starting injections tomorrow!