Sunday, December 2, 2007

Worry, Thy Name Is Hilary

Yesterday was a ridiculously fret-filled day. I didn't spend all day biting my nails and rocking back and forth or anything, but I was strongly concerned about a few things. Namely (and in chronological order):

1. I was worried that I didn't take my progesterone properly. I was told to insert it by way of my nether regions as it is absorbed better that way (sorry TMI). Well right afterward, I took a shower and then spent a good three hours afterwards wondering if it might have fallen out.

2. The sofa had gone all diagonal and the cushions had gone all wonky (due to me planting my arse on the same spot everyday this week) and when I discovered this, I "bumped" the sofa back to its rightful spot using my legs and tugged at the pillows using my arms. Then I wondered if I overexerted myself. I wasn't panting after this or anything, but it was more physical action than I've done all week. I spent about an hour wondering if I've disrupted the embryo's implantation process.

3. I emptied the dishwasher mid-day. I also wiped the counter and cleaned up a bit in general. I started noticing some very light cramps while I was doing this. I often feel aches coming from my ovaries since the retrieval but this cramping was definitely coming from my uterus. Of course this made me wonder what was going on down there. I immediately sat down on the couch and remained there for the rest of the afternoon.

4. I had some leftover Thai food for dinner tonight. Specifically, Cashew Chicken. I didn't think the chicken was organic, and I knew that going in, but then I started wondering where they got the chicken (China?) and was it medicated? I had to stop eating it.

5. L and S (our good friends) came over last night and we watched the Best of Will Ferrel Saturday Night Live DVD. We also constructed a gingerbread house and between these two activities, I laughed SO HARD. I was having a grand old time until I started wondering if all my laughing was causing my poor embryo to be shaken about. I then instructed my friends that they were not allowed to make me laugh for the rest of the night. That's when they showed me a dancing cockatoo video on YouTube. I lost it, it was so funny. And then I proceeded to spend the rest of the night regretting laughing so much.

I am fully aware that all this stuff sounds ridiculous. But if you can't be honest in a blog, then what's the point? It's just that every single action I take has brought on new meaning; every single thought I have revolves around my little embryo. It's a whole different kind of obsession than I have ever experienced before. I imagine it will just get worse over the next, say, 18 years, if I'm lucky.

6 comments:

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I know, you're trying to cover every possible eventuality to be as certain as you can. It can make you nuts though!

and I must say, I LOVE the fact you used 'arse' instead of 'ass'...

You're doing great, stay positive and it will all be worthwhile, I'm certain.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Ah Xbox, you always know just what to say.
Thanks :)

Kristen said...

OMG, I felt like I was reading a description of me!

I've been on self-imposed bedrest this weekend, afraid to do anything that might disrupt the implantation.

Deep in my heart I know that if I'm going to m/c, it will happen regardless of what I do. But somehow, I feel like I'm doing something by sitting on my behind.

You are not crazy (well, unless I'm crazy too!) and you're certainly not alone. I'm sending lots of good vibes your way! XOXO

Ally said...

Hilary, it's a lot easier to be rational about all of this when you're not in the middle of treatment. I don't blame you for obsessing a bit and being worried about what you're doing, thinking, eating, dreaming, etc... I think it's totally normal. Just keep breathing and thinking good thoughts. Good news is on the way! :)

christina(apronstrings) said...

you can't control any of this. i know you know that, but i always need someone yo remind me.
when we did our iui's...during the two week wait, i'd imagine that k and i were in a car that someone else was driving. and that we were going to drive to a cul de sac that had ten garages and that if we pulled into one of four we would be pregnant...if we pulled into one of the six, we weren't. all we could to was hope that the driver pulled into the right garage.
i just say that in the chance that it might make the 2ww a little less stressful.
know that i hope, hopE, HOPE! with you. for you.

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