Tuesday, December 25, 2007

It's Christmas, But I Can't Turn Off My Brain

I've been spoiled this Christmas. Truly spoiled. And on top of everything, I'm pregnant. Finally pregnant. The best Christmas gift ever.

Of course, despite my elation over this, I woke up this morning and found myself unusually nervous. Now I have been, well let's just say it - paranoid - over every little thing during this pregnancy, but this morning was different. An overwhelming feeling of doom set in and I've been distracted by it all day. And now I know why: This is exactly how far along I was during my last pregnancy when we lost the baby.

It doesn't help matters that my breasts didn't feel *quite* as sore this morning as they have been thus far, and gracious Scrappy has continued to spare me from any morning sickness. I have felt slight waves of what might be construed as possible queasiness, but that's about it. It's been so vague, I can't tell if it's real or in my head.

Despite the merriment and festivities of the day, I have been distracted. Subconsciously praying moment to moment for the safety and health of the baby. Trying constantly to push the constantly creeping negative thoughts out of my head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, SCRAPPY? I wish there was some way you could let me know you're okay.

For now, I guess I can take some solace in the fact that I'm not bleeding, cramping or spotting; and if I look deep inside, I know I have no real reason to worry. For that, and for being lucky enough to find myself over 6 weeks pregnant this Christmas, I am extremely grateful.