Please

Being worried, nervous and anxious all the time is simply exhausting. Last night, my breasts stopped hurting and I didn't feel pregnant at all. I worked myself into a nervous lather as a flood of negative thoughts rushed into my brain.

Now, the logical part of my brain knows that it's normal for pregnancy symptoms - especially breast tenderness - to come and go throughout pregnancy. But the emotional part of my brain just lost it last night; I barely slept at all, tossing and turning and being worried. I am finding this aspect of my persona impossible to control. I want to blame my anxiety on the fact that we went through a miscarriage last summer, but truthfully, I am just a worry-wart by nature. I know that. Of course, the miscarriage experience does not help matters.

This morning I woke up and I still don't feel much different. I don't know what's going on, but I'm trying not to let it get the better of me. I think, deep down, I feel positive and confident...but I'm finding those good feelings can be so easily overshadowed by the horrible ones.

The ultrasound is only 48 hours [update: now 24 hours] away. I go from being confident to nervous to terrified, and all the way back around, on a minute to minute basis, it seems.

Please send some good thoughts/vibes/energy/prayers our way in hopes that we will see a nice, strong heartbeat on Wednesday morning. I'd really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks so much, everyone. Happy New Year!

7 Weeks Today

I woke up this morning, feeling fine. Came downstairs, fed the cats, checked my email, went back upstairs to get dressed and...VIOLENT GAGGING! I'm sure I would have thrown up if I had any food in my stomach.

After I calmed myself down, I had some breakfast and have felt fine again ever since.

So here I am - 7 weeks today. Never have I experienced such a combination of elation and anxiety in almost equal parts. I am so incredibly happy to be here; it sounds corny to say but every pregnant day that passes feels like such an amazing gift. The word "grateful" is such an understatement. All I care about is that our baby is healthy, strong and growing, and all my thoughts, actions and decisions are a reflection of that.

D is convinced I'm showing already. I tried to explain to him that it's impossible this early; that what he's seeing is a combination of bloating and the little belly that I've always had, but he is not convinced. It is absolutely adorable how excited he is.

7 weeks today, only 33 more to go...

Please keep growing Scrappy honey, KEEP GROWING!

Goings On

Yesterday, I decided to walk up to Robson Street, Vancouver's shopping district, to search for after-Christmas bargains. I had a nice time, dropped in on a friend, bought a few odds and ends, nothing special. I had a lovely time all by myself.

While I was out, I was overcome by the most intense sense of gratitude for finally being pregnant. I can't explain the feeling, other than to say that it was overwhelming. I spend so much of my time feeling nervous, anxious and scared over every little thing, and it was so nice to feel involuntarily positive for a while. My breast hurt, I had a nice bloat going, and I couldn't have been happier.

On another note, this morning I woke myself up at the tail end of a naughty dream that ended with a, um, very real happy ending. Crap! Not again! I don't want to do anything that could put Scrappy in jeopardy and I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen. Everything I've read says that generally speaking, orgasms in pregnancy - even early pregnancy - are considered safe, but somehow this is not reassuring me. This probably sounds really silly, but I've really worked myself into a panic. I desperately hope my little Scrappy is okay.

Damnit! It will be an ice cold shower before bed for me tonight...

In other embarrassing news, I am most definitely NOT constipated, which I understand is a very common complaint during pregnancy. Not to say that there's anything wrong per se, but I am - for the first time in my life - extremely regular. Like clockwork. This has been going on since just before the IVF and has continued until now. Not that I'm complaining. I just find it odd.

Oh the things you're learning about Hilary today. Aren't you glad you checked in on my blog? Think of what you would have missed if you hadn't!!

And the nausea: Still very minimal, but I do think it exists outside of my head. It only happens a small handful of times throughout any given day, and consists of 10-15 seconds of feeling gross. I usually feel like gagging, which I do sometimes, and then it's over. So far, I have had no problems eating or anything like that. I suppose I should consider myself lucky, but I'd still prefer to be reassuringly barfy.

Cravings/Food Aversions: None so far. Well, sometimes the smell of coffee is gross, but not all the time. I haven't really had any cravings except for protein and vegetables. What really sounds good to me is eggs, cheese, meat. It's a bit odd because usually I am a carb lover, but lately I'm totally off bread and anything sweet (except for fruit). I think this has more to do with the fact that I am acutely aware of what I'm doing to my insulin levels, rather than it being a true "craving". In other words, if someone told me that tree bark was good for pregnancy, I'd probably feel like eating it by the wheelbarrow full.

Tomorrow I'll be 7 weeks along. Our first "heartbeat" ultrasound is coming up on Wednesday. I am so nervous. Make that terrified. Please don't get me wrong - I'm beyond grateful and thrilled to be coming up on 7 weeks. I am just hoping so hard that Scrappy is doing well and we get to see a nice strong heartbeat on Wednesday. Oh PLEASE let us see that beautiful heartbeat!

I'm Feeling...Consistently Inconsistent

I haven't thrown up since my last post two days ago, but I have had bouts of feeling a bit "off". Over the last two days, I seem to find myself in random waves of nausea, and maybe some gagging; and after a few minutes it's gone. Also, I've noticed that I rarely feel sick in the morning before breakfast when my blood sugar is low; more commonly, I feel sick about 45 minutes after a meal. Can't quite figure that one out. All I can say is I think I'm weird.

Breast tenderness has gone down considerably over the last few days, but they do remain somewhat sore to the touch. And they are still huge and quite veiny.

Other than that, I'm still peeing A LOT, but really I have no other tried and true pregnancy symptoms. I suppose at some point, I will either get used to the the symptoms or they will subtly come and go to the point that I just stop noticing "symptoms" and just start being pregnant along with whatever that has in store for me on a daily basis.

At first, the inconsistency of my symptoms and the fact that they seem to fluctuate every day worried me somewhat; but the symptoms always seem to come back eventually - sometimes in an hour, sometimes in a couple of days. I seem to be consistently inconsistent.

Puke!

It's a Christmas wish come true! 8:35pm = vomit! I never thought I could be so happy about barf.

Even though it's possible the aforementioned event was a product of my will, I think it might have been genuine because I didn't even make it to the toilet. We had just got home from dinner, I walked in the door and before I could even take my coat off I was throwing up in my gloves.

Ha ha ha! Thanks Santa!

It's Christmas, But I Can't Turn Off My Brain

I've been spoiled this Christmas. Truly spoiled. And on top of everything, I'm pregnant. Finally pregnant. The best Christmas gift ever.

Of course, despite my elation over this, I woke up this morning and found myself unusually nervous. Now I have been, well let's just say it - paranoid - over every little thing during this pregnancy, but this morning was different. An overwhelming feeling of doom set in and I've been distracted by it all day. And now I know why: This is exactly how far along I was during my last pregnancy when we lost the baby.

It doesn't help matters that my breasts didn't feel *quite* as sore this morning as they have been thus far, and gracious Scrappy has continued to spare me from any morning sickness. I have felt slight waves of what might be construed as possible queasiness, but that's about it. It's been so vague, I can't tell if it's real or in my head.

Despite the merriment and festivities of the day, I have been distracted. Subconsciously praying moment to moment for the safety and health of the baby. Trying constantly to push the constantly creeping negative thoughts out of my head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, SCRAPPY? I wish there was some way you could let me know you're okay.

For now, I guess I can take some solace in the fact that I'm not bleeding, cramping or spotting; and if I look deep inside, I know I have no real reason to worry. For that, and for being lucky enough to find myself over 6 weeks pregnant this Christmas, I am extremely grateful.

6 Weeks Today

I am so grateful to be here, 6 weeks pregnant and as happy as a clam.

Scrappy has continued to be ever so polite, with nary a symptom to let me know he/she is busy growing. Well, actually that's not entirely true. My breasts have continued with their soreness, which seems worse at night. I do have the occasional wave of queasiness - but this is something I can't quite confirm; as mentioned in earlier posts, I have a naturally strong gag reflex so it's not uncommon for me to feel queasy - and therefore I can't tell if what I'm feeling is real or a product of my will. On the other hand, when hunger comes on, it comes on strong. Needing to eat has become a sudden and urgent priority.

I have also noticed that smells are slightly enhanced, and not in a good way. For example, yesterday, D was eating Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream and watching TV whilst I sat next to him. The show was funny, and he kept turning towards me and laughing. Well, his breath smelled like chocolate and I found it to be so offensive that I forbid him from laughing for the remainder of the afternoon. I really don't think I ever would have noticed something like that before.

Other than that, not much to speak of, maybe just the occasional mild cramp, twinge, bloating. Nothing too uncomfortable. In fact, if I weren't paying such close attention, I might not have noticed anything at all.

I may indeed regret saying this, but I really hope that morning sickness strikes soon, and good. Nausea was never something that I felt during the pregnancy that we miscarried, and for some reason it's become symbolic of a healthy pregnancy to me. I realize that many healthy pregnancies are without nausea but I'm still hoping for at least a little upchuck.

At the very least, I am comforted by the fact that even though my pregnancy symptoms have been fairly minimal, they are still more than I felt last time by far. And it's still very early.