Click...Click...Click...

It's a new day.

The anxiety has been coming in waves and at the moment, I'm feeling pretty good. I am excited, optimistic and empowered by extreme organization.

I've got a short (30 minute) massage scheduled for tonight, which I could not be more enthusiastic about. From all the recent worrying, my shoulders have become so stiff they're practically touching my ears.

I've boarded the rollercoaster and locked that safety bar firmly on my lap. The ride has slowly started click...click...clicking forward. I'm on my way.

This will be a very interesting few weeks to say the least. Between the meds and the anticipation, I can't imagine how I'll feel one, two or even three weeks from today. I imagine every day will certainly bring a new adventure - good and bad. (Fingers crossed for mostly good.)

D and my 5 year wedding anniversary will be coming up on November 23rd. I was folding laundry while D was sitting in bed last night, when I reminded him of this fact. I jokingly said, "we better go nuts and do something crazy because this may very well be the last anniversary that we have that's just...us". The minute the statement came out of my mouth, the reality of what we're doing hit me all over again with the force of a grand piano dropped from 30 storeys. I only hope we'll be so lucky.

This is, without a doubt, the most intensive, intensely intense process I've ever been lucky enough to experience. I've never lived so hard.

Full Steam Ahead!

I just heard from the nurse: It's all good!

I have un-clenched.

The nurse said the doctor doesn't know why I would be having such an early period, but assured me that the blood test showed that I'm "nicely repressed" and everything looks fine to proceed as planned.

Additionally, she gave me the dates and instructions for when to start my injections. My first one will be on Thursday, November 15th (in just over a week!). I was so delighted by this news I quite literally kissed the phone as if it was the wonderful messanger nurse.

Breathing...again.

I don't know why I got so upset. Actually, I do. It's because I am so used to my body not cooperating, especially reproductively. It never does what it's supposed to do - this strange birth-control induced period is a great example of that. But for all the trouble I've had (I'm talking to you - yeah, YOU, ovaries!) I can't complain anymore. Knock on wood, things are progressing...swimmingly.

Thanks again, all, for your support and for talking me off the proverbial ledge yesterday. Love you guys!

So Now We Wait

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the lovely comments and well-wishes. I really appreciate it. Thanks, you guys keep me [somewhat] sane.

I went in for the blood test this morning. The nurses said they will call me between noon and 4pm today with "results and next steps...". So why does that sound so ominous? (Truth be told, probably anything they said would have been translated in my head as potentially bad news.) For better or for worse, I'll know the results in a few hours.

In other news, I tried a new brand of hair colour last night. It was supposed to come out pretty much the same colour that my hair always is (light reddish brown) MINUS the grey. But instead, it came out VERY dark brown, almost black. I don't like it one bit. I think I'm far too fair to pull off a colour this dark. I implore you - in what universe does a colour called "light pecan" translate into "midnight dark chocolate"?

Serenity now.

What The H-E-Double Hockey Sticks??? [Updated]

[Reader Beware: Major TMI in this post...]

I was put on three weeks of pre-IVF birth control pills and I started my first pill on October 22nd. I have been extremely diligent about taking them at the exact same time every day, as per the strict instructions from Dr. T.

On October 30th, I noticed some light brown spotting. Never having had mid-cycle spotting before, I was naturally concerned. I asked the doctor and nurses about this and they didn't seem worried, so I tried not to be bothered by it. Every day since then, the spotting has become more and more profuse until today, when the spotting transformed into a full-blown red bleed complete with heavy menstrual cramping.

Today is my 17th day on birth control pills and I'm still a good week away from when I'm supposed to get my period. But here it is, in all it's glory.

I don't get it. I thought birth control was supposed to regulate your cycle, not make it go all krazee. Why is this happening? Should I be worried?

I've left a message with the nurses to call me about this and I'll update when I hear back from them. *Sigh* I wish I knew what was going on here.

[Update: I just heard back from the nurse. She said she doesn't know why I am bleeding like this but admits it's unusual. I am supposed to go to the clinic first thing tomorrow morning for a blood test to see what's what. I'm nervous. When I asked her if my IVF cycle might be delayed or canceled because of this, she answered, "possibly". I'm trying not to freak out until we know what's going on but I really am worried.]

Namaste, Nasal Spray & Naughtiness

In my quest to calm down, I downloaded some guided meditations for my iPod. I listened to the first one today and promptly fell straight asleep! Probably a side effect from doing the meditation on my bed. But oh well, it was a terrific nap, really, one of the best I've had in a long time. I'll try again tomorrow and maybe next time I'll use a chair.

I also started the Synarel nasal spray this morning. This is a bit of a big deal for me because this means I've officially started the IVF medication protocol. Very exciting! Although, I had never ever used a nasal spray before. I "primed" the pump, as instructed by the nurse, and stuck that sucker up my right nostril. I closed my left nostril, pressed the pump and inhaled. And I didn't feel a thing! I started to wonder if the medication came out. So even though I know better, I pumped a second time. Still didn't feel anything. Then I tipped my head backwards and waited for a few seconds. Lo and behold I started to taste that telltale medicine taste in the back of my throat. So I guess it worked. And I guess I "double dosed" myself. Yikes. I won't make that mistake again.

D and I went out for lunch today at this great little cafe that we love. They make the best beef chili in the whole world, as well as unparalleled pastries. I didn't know if the beef in the chili was organic (hormone free) or not, so I decided to get a homemade chicken pot pie instead. It was delicious, although very, very crusty. I felt guilty after eating it because flour is not such a good thing for me and my insulin levels. However, the guilt did not stop me from indulging in a beautiful brownie afterwards. It was naughty, but it was heaven. I'm too tired too beat myself up over it. My ass and insulin levels will just have to get over it.

Our Little Chit-Chat

As per my last post, one of the things that was causing [some of] my anxiety was that fact that I was going to have to talk to my boss about the time off I want/need for the upcoming IVF. I'm asking for a grand total of about 3 weeks, so I'm not talking about small potatoes here - at least not in my office.

Well today was the day of the talk. I think it went fairly well, although at some point I think I insulted him unintentionally. I'll get to that part in a minute.

So I booked a meeting with my boss for the end of the day and by the time we got around to meeting I was kinds of worked up (me? REALLY?). As I was invited into his office, I swore to him I wouldn't take up too much of his time.

I didn't go into a lot of detail (at least not a lot for me - listen, I could go on and on if someone lets me keep talking, especially when I'm nervous or anxious or worried about something I can talk until the cows come home about anything under the sun, I can just keep going and going and going....*clears throat* But I digress). As I was saying, I didn't go into a huge amount of detail, I just told him the approximate window of dates that things would be happening and I told him I'd need that week, PLUS the following two weeks post IVF off. Oh yeah, and I will need to take mornings off for the week prior to the IVF for those daily bloodtests and ultrasounds. Tee Hee.

He was a bit surprised at the amount I was requesting, I think. Especially being a relative new employee (I started in April). I could see this look on his face so I felt I needed to start backpedaling by saying stuff like, "I really don't expect to get paid during this time, I know it's a lot to ask, I'll try to come back to work as soon as I can, I don't mean to be presumptuous and (here comes the insult) if it's not possible for me to keep my job it's okay..."

That last part came out all wrong. My intent was to say that it's understandable if they are not able to hold my position for that long and I don't expect special treatment; what came out was more along the lines of "hey man, it's like, totally fine with me if, ya know, I lose this stinkin' job anyway who cares". I'm sure I'm exaggerating here but it just felt wrong when that statement came out of my mouth. He responded by saying, "Are you saying it's okay with you if you lose your job?? Hilary, you're not going to lose your job." *insert major sigh of exasperation and tone of frustration from boss here*.

Anyway, I synopsized again the reasoning behind why I want the time off and told him this IVF is the most important thing I've got going right now...He said he got that, and he would do what he could, and get back to me with an answer regarding pay during the leave, etc. He sent me off with a "go get pregnant" and that was it.

All in all I guess it went as well as it could have. So why do I feel so guilty? My boss is a really great guy and I guess I hate feeling like I've disappointed him in some way. Oh well, taking this time off is the right thing for me, consequences be damned. I feel good that our chat is over with at least.

Now....what should I worry/obsess/freak-out over next?

Busy Busy Brain [With Updates]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but as excited as I am for the upcoming IVF, I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed. Okay, make that more than a little overwhelmed.

I function best when I feel completely organized. So today, I went out and bought a notebook and tabs and carefully went though all the papers given to me at the IVF Orientation and logically filed them in my new notebook. That made me feel a little bit better, but I can't shake this feeling like I'm missing or forgetting something. It's just so much information to take in.

I also noticed that they will be having me start the Synarel on CD 21, the same day as the last day of my birth control pills. This seems weird to me, as I thought the Synarel was supposed to start on CD 14. I got all confused and worked myself into such a lather that I finally ended up leaving a message for a nurse at the clinic to call me back. Hopefully she can straighten me out. (If anyone knows from experience about when to start Synarel, please leave a comment.) [Update: I spoke with the nurse just now - thank goodness I called when I did. As it turns out, starting the Synarel on CD 21 would have been a mistake. It was an error in my chart. I am supposed to start the Synarel in CD 14 (in 3 days), just as I had suspected. I'm thrilled my obsessive worrying was actually warranted for once! I would have been crushed if my cycle was cancelled or delayed due to something like an incorrect chart note!]

I still haven't heard back from my doctor about the "how many embryos to transfer" issue. She's usually very quick with her replies so I re-sent the original email from Tuesday, because I'm just that impatient. I'll feel better when we get this issue settled. If there is a good reason for us to only transfer back one embryo, then I will respect her judgement, but I really want to transfer two so I'm hoping she's agreeable to that. [Update: I'm glad I resent the email because it turned out that Dr. T didn't receive my original one from Tuesday. She replied that she believes we actually have a better chance of success if we transfer back one great-quality embryo versus two lower quality embryos. Of course, much depends on what the embryos are like. Bottom line: We'll cross that bridge when we see what we have to work with.]

One last source of stress that making me feel all buggy is the fact that I have to talk to my boss about all the time off I plan to take before, during and after the IVF. I'm hoping for the whole month of December, to be exact. He's out of town until tomorrow so I sent him an email yesterday to brace him about what I want to discuss, but he hasn't replied yet. *Fret* [Update: I'm still freaked out about this but I'm taking the time off no matter what; I'm just scared to confront my boss.]

I woke up at 4:00am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep because of the worrying. I think I'll feel much better when all this stuff is sorted out. I hate feeling like I've too many outstanding issues and unanswered questions floating around in my brain. Sigh.