I went down to the beach today, found a quiet spot. I sat there and let calm and acceptance wash over me. It took several minutes for me to get into this mindset but once I was there I got to a place where I could finally, finally imagine having a healthy, baby. I thought about taking a positive test again, getting excited about the details with D, telling everyone at Christmas, belly getting larger, decorating the nursery, giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby just before summer. I pictured it in my mind, every detail, and almost felt the excitement as if it was happening now. It felt really good.
I think I'm going to sign up for yoga.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Truce
D and I got in a fight yesterday. It was unpleasant. He is having a hard time dealing with my depression and truth be told, I can't really blame him. He kept saying, "I just want my wife back". I know this is difficult for him. I truly wish I could snap my fingers and just be happy again, but I can't. D says I'm not trying hard enough.
I told him that I am having a really hard time envisioning having a healthy baby or even being happy. In some ways, I don't feel like I even deserve to be happy. I think that comment made him the most upset of all. He said that he didn't want to try for a baby if he's the only one who's carrying us forward.
What he doesn't understand is that I am TERRIFIED of miscarrying again, despite the fact that I am desperate to have a baby. I believe this is a natural fear considering what has happened. But D says if I want a baby as much as I say I do, then nothing should stand in the way of that, not even my fear. He says that I have fallen down and am refusing to get up. I would say that I have fallen down but don't know how to get up.
We went round and round last night and in the end finally came to a kind of resolve. D has agreed to: 1) Try to be more patient with my depression, 2) Not be so judgemental about my feelings, and 3) Understand that he can't "fix" me and I just have to get through this on my own.
Conversely, I have agreed to: 1) Try to be more optimistic about our future in general and 2) Not direct my anger and depression at D (in other words, keep it to myself as much as I can).
Today is Monday, the last day of my 3-day-weekend. I've been completely useless over the past two days so after I finish this post, I'm going to finish the laundry and do some cleaning. The house looks like a bomb hit it. I'd like to see my cousin T today as well. With L being out of the picture lately, I'm desperate for some girl time.
I told him that I am having a really hard time envisioning having a healthy baby or even being happy. In some ways, I don't feel like I even deserve to be happy. I think that comment made him the most upset of all. He said that he didn't want to try for a baby if he's the only one who's carrying us forward.
What he doesn't understand is that I am TERRIFIED of miscarrying again, despite the fact that I am desperate to have a baby. I believe this is a natural fear considering what has happened. But D says if I want a baby as much as I say I do, then nothing should stand in the way of that, not even my fear. He says that I have fallen down and am refusing to get up. I would say that I have fallen down but don't know how to get up.
We went round and round last night and in the end finally came to a kind of resolve. D has agreed to: 1) Try to be more patient with my depression, 2) Not be so judgemental about my feelings, and 3) Understand that he can't "fix" me and I just have to get through this on my own.
Conversely, I have agreed to: 1) Try to be more optimistic about our future in general and 2) Not direct my anger and depression at D (in other words, keep it to myself as much as I can).
Today is Monday, the last day of my 3-day-weekend. I've been completely useless over the past two days so after I finish this post, I'm going to finish the laundry and do some cleaning. The house looks like a bomb hit it. I'd like to see my cousin T today as well. With L being out of the picture lately, I'm desperate for some girl time.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Undercover Goose
So I'm sitting here on my patio this morning when my husband comes out and reaches for something next to the barbeque. Just then he said, "Honey! Look!", gesturing down under the barbeque cover. Two ash gray paws sticking out. "OH NO" I thought. My first instinct was that some poor animal had gone under there to die. But we live in a condo in the middle of the city so it didn't make sense. Our townhouse on the main floor of a 30-storey tower, surrounded by other 30+ storey towers in every direction.
Slowy, carefully, I pulled up the fabric of the barbeque cover, only to discover a little gray cat hiding in there. I coaxed him out by talking sweetly and softly to him. Once he realized I was not going to hurt him, he became very friendly and let me pick him up. He had a collar (no tag) and seemed very tame, so I knew he came from a home somewhere.
Our neighbours in the townhouse next door were out on their patio too, and we asked them if they knew anything about this cat we found. They immediately reported that they had seen signs for a missing gray cat in the elevator. D found the sign and called the phone number.
As it turns out, this cat fell 17 stories off the balcony and somehow survived and hid under our barbeque. What's more is that this cat went missing 4 days ago and had been surviving without food or water during that time.
The owner came down immediately to claim him and was overcome with relief. We couldn't believe the cat had survived. Not only that, but he seemed, well, just fine! Oh and how cute is this: Apparently his name is "Goose". Quite an eventful morning.
..........
My depression is back today, but to a lesser degree. I still haven't received my counseling appointment notification so I'm hoping that will happen next week. I woke up this morning thinking about L, and how we haven't talked in so long. We used to be so close and I find it wrenching that our friendship has deteriorated like this. I wonder, if the tables were turned, would I abandon her? Would I be so wrapped up in my own pregnancy that I wouldn't have the time to check in with my friend who was suffering and depressed? I like to think not, but who knows. Maybe she thinks that she's protecting my feelings by not talking to me. Either way, it makes me sad.
Maybe once we can finally start trying again, I'll feel a bit better. I will go for my next Beta HCG blood test on Tuesday to determine how much closer to zero I am. Last week's was 25, so my prediction is that this week will be somewhere around 10 or so. Probably two more weeks to go.
Even though we tried for over a year to get pregnant, once we started on Clomid, it only took two cycles. I am really hoping that it only takes a short time when we finally start again. I would be beyond overjoyed if we could start telling everyone the news this Christmas. That is my true and sincere hope. I'm putting that out to the universe.
Someone from the message boards sent me a "script" for how to pray to God. Do I dare start praying again? Won't God sense that I'm still resentful and angry at him? Wouldn't my prayer be considered insincere? Wouldn't that be like asking for favours from an ex-boyfriend who broke your heart?
What do you think?
Slowy, carefully, I pulled up the fabric of the barbeque cover, only to discover a little gray cat hiding in there. I coaxed him out by talking sweetly and softly to him. Once he realized I was not going to hurt him, he became very friendly and let me pick him up. He had a collar (no tag) and seemed very tame, so I knew he came from a home somewhere.
Our neighbours in the townhouse next door were out on their patio too, and we asked them if they knew anything about this cat we found. They immediately reported that they had seen signs for a missing gray cat in the elevator. D found the sign and called the phone number.
As it turns out, this cat fell 17 stories off the balcony and somehow survived and hid under our barbeque. What's more is that this cat went missing 4 days ago and had been surviving without food or water during that time.
The owner came down immediately to claim him and was overcome with relief. We couldn't believe the cat had survived. Not only that, but he seemed, well, just fine! Oh and how cute is this: Apparently his name is "Goose". Quite an eventful morning.
..........
My depression is back today, but to a lesser degree. I still haven't received my counseling appointment notification so I'm hoping that will happen next week. I woke up this morning thinking about L, and how we haven't talked in so long. We used to be so close and I find it wrenching that our friendship has deteriorated like this. I wonder, if the tables were turned, would I abandon her? Would I be so wrapped up in my own pregnancy that I wouldn't have the time to check in with my friend who was suffering and depressed? I like to think not, but who knows. Maybe she thinks that she's protecting my feelings by not talking to me. Either way, it makes me sad.
Maybe once we can finally start trying again, I'll feel a bit better. I will go for my next Beta HCG blood test on Tuesday to determine how much closer to zero I am. Last week's was 25, so my prediction is that this week will be somewhere around 10 or so. Probably two more weeks to go.
Even though we tried for over a year to get pregnant, once we started on Clomid, it only took two cycles. I am really hoping that it only takes a short time when we finally start again. I would be beyond overjoyed if we could start telling everyone the news this Christmas. That is my true and sincere hope. I'm putting that out to the universe.
Someone from the message boards sent me a "script" for how to pray to God. Do I dare start praying again? Won't God sense that I'm still resentful and angry at him? Wouldn't my prayer be considered insincere? Wouldn't that be like asking for favours from an ex-boyfriend who broke your heart?
What do you think?
Saturday, August 4, 2007
I'm the Passenger, I Guess
It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting here in my pajamas in total peace and quiet. The only sounds are the clickety-clack of my keyboard as I type this, the traffic outside (we live downtown), and a distant bass beat coming from my husband's home office. It feels good. I like being alone.
When I'm alone I have my best thoughts. Right now I'm thinking about letting go of my need to control this whole baby process. I can micro-manage every single aspect and it won't necessarily change the outcome anyway. Even if I micro-manage us into being pregnant again, I can't really do anything to predict or prevent a miscarriage from happening a second time. When I was pregnant before, I took painstaking measures to make sure I was as healthy as could be. I scrutinzed every morsel of food, consciously avoided all stress, exercised moderately, only crossed the street at the stoplight... It didn't make a difference. I still miscarried. I could have lived on Diet Coke and Cheetos and the outcome would have been exactly the same.
I guess my rambling point here is that anything I do or don't do really has little to no impact on the way this situation will play out. That's good and bad I guess. Good, because it takes a lot of pressure off. If it's going to happen, it will happen. Bad, because I'm uncomfortable when I can't be in the driver's seat. (Type A personality, right here!) Leaving this whole process up to luck and fate is scary and it's not fair that I have such minimal influence on it.
So where does my control lie? What areas might I actually have some impact?
Well let's see here... I guess I can be as healthy as I can. That's a good start. I can try to time intercourse as efficiently as possible. And I suppose I can use all the tools currently available to me (i.e. Clomid, Pre-Seed, my doctor, books, etc.).
I just realized that's all I can do. I literally can't do anything else to improve my chances of getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. So why I am stressing so much about this process?
OK so here's my resolution: I am going to try to relax (much easier said than done). But seriously, whether I'm anxious, stressed, excited, bitter, optimistic, pessimistic, it won't matter. So I may as well try and relax. That's what I'm going to do. Starting now.
I'm off to a good start today. It doesn't get much better than still being in your pajamas at 11:00am on a Saturday.
When I'm alone I have my best thoughts. Right now I'm thinking about letting go of my need to control this whole baby process. I can micro-manage every single aspect and it won't necessarily change the outcome anyway. Even if I micro-manage us into being pregnant again, I can't really do anything to predict or prevent a miscarriage from happening a second time. When I was pregnant before, I took painstaking measures to make sure I was as healthy as could be. I scrutinzed every morsel of food, consciously avoided all stress, exercised moderately, only crossed the street at the stoplight... It didn't make a difference. I still miscarried. I could have lived on Diet Coke and Cheetos and the outcome would have been exactly the same.
I guess my rambling point here is that anything I do or don't do really has little to no impact on the way this situation will play out. That's good and bad I guess. Good, because it takes a lot of pressure off. If it's going to happen, it will happen. Bad, because I'm uncomfortable when I can't be in the driver's seat. (Type A personality, right here!) Leaving this whole process up to luck and fate is scary and it's not fair that I have such minimal influence on it.
So where does my control lie? What areas might I actually have some impact?
Well let's see here... I guess I can be as healthy as I can. That's a good start. I can try to time intercourse as efficiently as possible. And I suppose I can use all the tools currently available to me (i.e. Clomid, Pre-Seed, my doctor, books, etc.).
I just realized that's all I can do. I literally can't do anything else to improve my chances of getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. So why I am stressing so much about this process?
OK so here's my resolution: I am going to try to relax (much easier said than done). But seriously, whether I'm anxious, stressed, excited, bitter, optimistic, pessimistic, it won't matter. So I may as well try and relax. That's what I'm going to do. Starting now.
I'm off to a good start today. It doesn't get much better than still being in your pajamas at 11:00am on a Saturday.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Tell Me Something Good
Maybe it's the fact that it's Friday and I have three glorious days off work in front of me. Perhaps it's the one-hour massage I treated myself to on the way home today. Could be the Pad Thai or the glass of red wine I'm sipping as I type this--
Right now, even if for just a moment, I'm going to deliberatly NOT think about all the bad stuff and concentrate ONLY on the positives. What good could possibly come from a miscarriage you ask? Well it's certainly a head-scratcher but I think I can come up with a few pearls here.
The following is my short and imaginative list of positives that I am taking from this situation:
1. As I am not currently pregnant, I can enjoy the glass of red wine I'm drinking right now without the slightest concern!
2. My husband and I have more time to save our money before we start a family.
3. I have connected with quite a few amazing ladies out there who are going through the same thing right now. Somehow that is a blessing in and of itself.
4. Maybe if it has been easy the first time around, I wouldn't appreciate being a mom as much as I know I will when it happens.
5. When I finally do get pregnant, I'll probably be elated to feel morning sickness.
6. Stepped on the scale this morning only to discover that I lost 12 pounds since this whole thing happened. Nothing like depression to help a girl shed those unwanted pounds!
7. As per point #6 above, I found out today that I can squeese into my skinny jeans again. Couldn't do that if I was pregnant.
8. If I can make it through this and come out the other side to tell the tale, I can make it through anything.
Right now, even if for just a moment, I'm going to deliberatly NOT think about all the bad stuff and concentrate ONLY on the positives. What good could possibly come from a miscarriage you ask? Well it's certainly a head-scratcher but I think I can come up with a few pearls here.
The following is my short and imaginative list of positives that I am taking from this situation:
1. As I am not currently pregnant, I can enjoy the glass of red wine I'm drinking right now without the slightest concern!
2. My husband and I have more time to save our money before we start a family.
3. I have connected with quite a few amazing ladies out there who are going through the same thing right now. Somehow that is a blessing in and of itself.
4. Maybe if it has been easy the first time around, I wouldn't appreciate being a mom as much as I know I will when it happens.
5. When I finally do get pregnant, I'll probably be elated to feel morning sickness.
6. Stepped on the scale this morning only to discover that I lost 12 pounds since this whole thing happened. Nothing like depression to help a girl shed those unwanted pounds!
7. As per point #6 above, I found out today that I can squeese into my skinny jeans again. Couldn't do that if I was pregnant.
8. If I can make it through this and come out the other side to tell the tale, I can make it through anything.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Rewind: About two months ago, right after the miscarriage, I took a week off work to recover. When I returned to work, I bumped into a girl by the name of N, who works on the same floor in the office accross from my office. We had always made small talk when we saw each other in the elevator and the washroom. She asked me where I had been during the previous week and I told her I had a miscarriage and was off so I could recover. Her faced changed immediately in such a way that I knew right away she had been through the same thing. She told me how she had had a miscarriage two months prior and right then and there we made an immediate connection that transcended our usual chit chat in passing.
Fast Forward To Today: I asked N if she wanted to go for lunch sometime, and sometime ended up being today. She brought along another girl named B from her office who had been trying for several months unsuccessfully to get pregnant. We had the most amazing talk, the three of us, and it was so nice to connect with other females who are going through similar experiences. N is a two months ahead of me in her recovery and she gave me some great advice and shared her own outlook with me which really helped me feel better. And now I have two new friends! We made plans to have another lunch in a couple of weeks and I am really looking forward to it.
I felt so good about things after lunch, I came back to my office feeling recharged and more optimistic than I had been in a long time. I had an exceptionally productive afternoon and there was lots to do so the time just flew by. I buzzed through the remainder of the workday thinking that I very well may have finally turned a corner...
...and then it happened.
It is my job to manage the office calendar and anyone who takes time off is supposed to let me know so I can keep track. About 5 minutes before the end of the day, the girl who sits in the cubicle beside mine came to my desk and said she needed to take half a day off tomorrow so she can go to the doctor. I think deep down I had a feeling about what was coming. I stupidly said, "Oh I hope you're okay!" to which she excitedly replied in a whisper, "I'm MORE than okay - I'm PREGNANT! And I'm going to my first doctor's appointment tomorrow morning!"
My heart dropped right through the floor in that moment and I immediately felt that oh so familiar lump in my throat. I tried as best as I could to muster up the best "congratulations" I could, as wimpy and insincere as it was. Not that she noticed. She happily skipped down the hall to the office kitchen mumbling something about how her appetite is going crazy and she can't stop eating and she's going for her third snack of the afternoon, blah blah blah...
The tears came right away. I tried to stop them by instinctively fanning my eyes with my hands but it didn't help, not that I expected it to. Big warm wet ones. And just like that, I was back at square one.
How long, I wonder, before it stops hurting like this?
I left the office right afterwards and headed for home. All the loveliness from my delicioius afternoon was completely gone. Back in my familiar blue funk again.
When I got home, my husband D asked how my day was, to which I replied "OK". He just knew something was up so he asked me what happened. [I have to interject here to say that I should know better than to talk to D about this kind of stuff. He just doesn't get it AT ALL.] I foolishly told him what happened, about my lovely lunch and my newly pregnant coworker, and how I felt about it. He simply replied, "So what? Why do you care? It doesn't affect us."
And while I know he's right, it doesn't affect us, he has no way to understand how it feels. I guess it's because he's a guy. Or maybe it's because he's got a WAAAAAAAY more positive outlook on this situation than I do. Either way, I immediately regretted making mention of my day and vowed internally to stop talking to D about how I feel. He just wants me to "get over it". What he doesn't understand is that I would absolutely LOVE to "get over it", but unfortunately I have no idea how to begin doing that right now.
D is out with his friends tonight at the pub. Truth be told, I'm delighted to have the place to myself. I don't feel like being around anyone lately, not even D. I think if I could, I'd become a hermit for a few weeks and shut myself in. Sounds like heaven right now.
In happier news, tomorrow is the Friday before a three-day weekend. Beautiful! I think I'm going to stay close to home, do the laundry and a bit of housework, and spend the rest of the time posting to all my beloved newfound online forums and message boards that I have come to enjoy so much. They are as close to therapy as I can get right now and I am so grateful for each and every one of them.
Speaking of grateful, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for all the people who have taken the time to read this blog and leave such incredibly sweet and thoughtful comments. I never dreamed in a million years someone would actually read this thing and it feels amazing to make a connection with total strangers out there who are going through similar circumstances. You have no idea how much you are contributing to my healing process. From the bottom of my heart...thank you.
Fast Forward To Today: I asked N if she wanted to go for lunch sometime, and sometime ended up being today. She brought along another girl named B from her office who had been trying for several months unsuccessfully to get pregnant. We had the most amazing talk, the three of us, and it was so nice to connect with other females who are going through similar experiences. N is a two months ahead of me in her recovery and she gave me some great advice and shared her own outlook with me which really helped me feel better. And now I have two new friends! We made plans to have another lunch in a couple of weeks and I am really looking forward to it.
I felt so good about things after lunch, I came back to my office feeling recharged and more optimistic than I had been in a long time. I had an exceptionally productive afternoon and there was lots to do so the time just flew by. I buzzed through the remainder of the workday thinking that I very well may have finally turned a corner...
...and then it happened.
It is my job to manage the office calendar and anyone who takes time off is supposed to let me know so I can keep track. About 5 minutes before the end of the day, the girl who sits in the cubicle beside mine came to my desk and said she needed to take half a day off tomorrow so she can go to the doctor. I think deep down I had a feeling about what was coming. I stupidly said, "Oh I hope you're okay!" to which she excitedly replied in a whisper, "I'm MORE than okay - I'm PREGNANT! And I'm going to my first doctor's appointment tomorrow morning!"
My heart dropped right through the floor in that moment and I immediately felt that oh so familiar lump in my throat. I tried as best as I could to muster up the best "congratulations" I could, as wimpy and insincere as it was. Not that she noticed. She happily skipped down the hall to the office kitchen mumbling something about how her appetite is going crazy and she can't stop eating and she's going for her third snack of the afternoon, blah blah blah...
The tears came right away. I tried to stop them by instinctively fanning my eyes with my hands but it didn't help, not that I expected it to. Big warm wet ones. And just like that, I was back at square one.
How long, I wonder, before it stops hurting like this?
I left the office right afterwards and headed for home. All the loveliness from my delicioius afternoon was completely gone. Back in my familiar blue funk again.
When I got home, my husband D asked how my day was, to which I replied "OK". He just knew something was up so he asked me what happened. [I have to interject here to say that I should know better than to talk to D about this kind of stuff. He just doesn't get it AT ALL.] I foolishly told him what happened, about my lovely lunch and my newly pregnant coworker, and how I felt about it. He simply replied, "So what? Why do you care? It doesn't affect us."
And while I know he's right, it doesn't affect us, he has no way to understand how it feels. I guess it's because he's a guy. Or maybe it's because he's got a WAAAAAAAY more positive outlook on this situation than I do. Either way, I immediately regretted making mention of my day and vowed internally to stop talking to D about how I feel. He just wants me to "get over it". What he doesn't understand is that I would absolutely LOVE to "get over it", but unfortunately I have no idea how to begin doing that right now.
D is out with his friends tonight at the pub. Truth be told, I'm delighted to have the place to myself. I don't feel like being around anyone lately, not even D. I think if I could, I'd become a hermit for a few weeks and shut myself in. Sounds like heaven right now.
In happier news, tomorrow is the Friday before a three-day weekend. Beautiful! I think I'm going to stay close to home, do the laundry and a bit of housework, and spend the rest of the time posting to all my beloved newfound online forums and message boards that I have come to enjoy so much. They are as close to therapy as I can get right now and I am so grateful for each and every one of them.
Speaking of grateful, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for all the people who have taken the time to read this blog and leave such incredibly sweet and thoughtful comments. I never dreamed in a million years someone would actually read this thing and it feels amazing to make a connection with total strangers out there who are going through similar circumstances. You have no idea how much you are contributing to my healing process. From the bottom of my heart...thank you.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Big Faker
I skipped out of work a few hours early today due to a "bad headache". Translation: It's a beautiful sunny afternoon and I wanted to sit on my patio and relax. There's nothing wrong with giving yourself some personal time, I think. Especially now, when each day is a new bloody rollercoaster, it makes my head spin.
I walked to work crying this morning - this depression thing is not getting any better. The worst part is having to fake my way through my day with a stupid smile on my face. I can't help but wonder if I didn't have to work and I could just take time for myself everyday, if I would feel better by now. The good news is that I heard from my doctor's office and apparently they've expedited my case and I should have an appointment to see a counselor "very soon".
I had bad dreams last night - nothing scary, just dreams about being pregnant and losing my baby all over again. I also dreamed about my best friend*** and her flaunting her healthy pregnancy to me. I woke up feeling terrible and thought, "here we go, this will be another sad day". Much to my surprise, however, I am feeling a bit better now - for the moment - and I think it's because I'm home early and have had some time to myself.
***I think I should stop referring to this person as my "best friend". Obviously she is on another path and is proceeding blissfully without me. It hurts me too much to talk to her and it's probably bringing her down to talk to me. I think our ship has sailed for now, which makes me incredibly sad on a whole other level which I can't even begin to deal with at the moment. Anyway, I don't think best friend is the appropriate term for this person anymore so henceforth she will be referred to as "L".
Okay, enough about me - for the moment - Let's talk about what's on TV tonight! I am totally into "So You Think You Can Dance" right now and we're getting down to the final 8 contestants. Can't wait for that. Plus I have a yummy dinner planned, so that's not bad.
I've been thinking about visualization lately. Like as in Oprah's "The Secret". I believe in that sort of stuff and I'd love to be able to visualize my being pregnant with a healthy baby and giving birth to a healthy baby ... but for some reason I just can't see it. It seems so impossible at the moment and I feel almost as if I don't deserve it, as if I don't deserve to be happy. Hmmm I'm wondering how I circumvent those insecure thoughts? I'll have to think on that one I guess...
Well I started joining every TTC and post-miscarriage internet message board and forum under the sun today. I thought until therapy arrives I'll see if I can find some comfort from other people who have been through and are going through what I am. I really feel so alone, and today I set out to prove to myself that I am not.
I walked to work crying this morning - this depression thing is not getting any better. The worst part is having to fake my way through my day with a stupid smile on my face. I can't help but wonder if I didn't have to work and I could just take time for myself everyday, if I would feel better by now. The good news is that I heard from my doctor's office and apparently they've expedited my case and I should have an appointment to see a counselor "very soon".
I had bad dreams last night - nothing scary, just dreams about being pregnant and losing my baby all over again. I also dreamed about my best friend*** and her flaunting her healthy pregnancy to me. I woke up feeling terrible and thought, "here we go, this will be another sad day". Much to my surprise, however, I am feeling a bit better now - for the moment - and I think it's because I'm home early and have had some time to myself.
***I think I should stop referring to this person as my "best friend". Obviously she is on another path and is proceeding blissfully without me. It hurts me too much to talk to her and it's probably bringing her down to talk to me. I think our ship has sailed for now, which makes me incredibly sad on a whole other level which I can't even begin to deal with at the moment. Anyway, I don't think best friend is the appropriate term for this person anymore so henceforth she will be referred to as "L".
Okay, enough about me - for the moment - Let's talk about what's on TV tonight! I am totally into "So You Think You Can Dance" right now and we're getting down to the final 8 contestants. Can't wait for that. Plus I have a yummy dinner planned, so that's not bad.
I've been thinking about visualization lately. Like as in Oprah's "The Secret". I believe in that sort of stuff and I'd love to be able to visualize my being pregnant with a healthy baby and giving birth to a healthy baby ... but for some reason I just can't see it. It seems so impossible at the moment and I feel almost as if I don't deserve it, as if I don't deserve to be happy. Hmmm I'm wondering how I circumvent those insecure thoughts? I'll have to think on that one I guess...
Well I started joining every TTC and post-miscarriage internet message board and forum under the sun today. I thought until therapy arrives I'll see if I can find some comfort from other people who have been through and are going through what I am. I really feel so alone, and today I set out to prove to myself that I am not.
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