THE TRYING GAME

The End & The Beginning

2008-08-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided to end this blog.

The Trying Game is all about my struggles with PCOS, infertility and trying for a baby. Now that my daughter is finally here, I thought it seemed fitting to close the chapter on this part of my life and start a new blog chronicling my life as a new mum to Maya. My challenge is no longer getting and staying pregnant, it's navigating new parenthood and all that it entails.

I hope you'll stop by and visit me in my new digs. You can find my birth story there as well.

The next chapter, my new blog is called Maya Papaya and can be found here.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have read The Trying Game, commented and supported me over the last year. I seriously would not have survived without you.

With love,
Hilary

Look Who Finally Showed Up

2008-08-26T08:07:00.001-07:00

Our beautiful daughter Maya.

Born on Sunday, August 24th, at 2:03am.

7lbs 10oz, 20 inches long.

Without further ado, here she is (we couldn't find our good camera at the last minute so we took all these photos on D's iPhone - apologies for the quality...):

We are so in love!

Maya is perfect and gorgeous in every way. She is such a sweet, funny baby and smells exactly like vanilla cake baking in the oven. I have never known love like this, never.

And I have a crazy insane birth story to share with you guys... complete with my water suddenly breaking in the car and a whirlwind 5-hour super speedy (but very smooth) labour. We just got home from the hospital last night and I'm still getting settled, but keep checking in for our birth story which I will try to post in the next couple of days...Stay tuned!

xoxo
Hilary

40w6d

2008-08-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

Big surprise, I'm still preggers.

The hospital is having me do formal kick counts from here on out and I am very happy to report that Maya has so far exceeded her kick quota on all counts thus far. Thank goodness.

The contractions I was having yesterday (from the second membrane stripping) have more or less tapered off completely. I have felt a few here and there this morning, but barely noticeable.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if I was pregnant, say, 50 years ago. Obviously, I wouldn't be pregnant at all back then because we conceived by IVF. However, let's say I was pregnant... Just how overdue can a baby go on it's own without induction? My aunt was apparently pregnant for an extra month. Another person I talked to said they went three weeks overdue. At some point, does the baby always come out, or can they stay in forever? I realize my measly 6 days overdue is nothing compared to how overdue some women go, despite the fact that I feel like the most pregnant woman ever to exist. But I do wonder, with no medical intervention, just how long would this go on?

I have pretty much given up hope of having this baby girl the way I had imagined, and have resigned myself to the idea that we'll probably have induction. I had a bit of a cry about that this morning, just because this is probably going to be our only child and this is not the birth experience I had wanted or expected. I had always dreamed of a natural birth, with minimal intervention. Letting go of my attachment to my ideal birth experience did make me feel sad, but truthfully, as long as Maya arrives healthy and safe, it really doesn't much matter how she gets here. As long as she gets here and she is perfect, healthy and strong, that's all I really care about. Ultimately, my birth experience is small potatoes, and will be quickly forgotten, compared to gorgeous fact that she is coming.

I am lucky and blessed beyond compare; that hasn't changed since the moment I found out I was pregnant.

40w5d [Updated]

2008-08-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Doctor's appointment this morning didn't give me the "this baby is coming right now" news I had so hoped for. My cervix is still at about 2cm (same as last appointment) but does seem thinner. But I believe my doctor said it was "favourable" or something like that.

I was sobbing from the moment I stepped into the exam room. 6 hours total of sleep in 3 days PLUS raging hormones equals Hilary losing her shit. I am not myself at all.

I asked about the possibility of induction. Dr. R said that it's much better to let the baby come naturally than to induce her, but they won't let me go past Wednesday August 27th either way. However, she did say that I would be sent for fetal monitoring and testing today to assess how baby girl is doing in there and if they note any problems, then induction would of course be sooner than Wednesday. They will be calling me with a time to come in for this testing, so I am just waiting by the phone right now.

My membranes were re-stripped again this morning in an effort to get things going. I am contracting quite a bit from having that done, but I'm not getting my hopes up here because this is exactly what happened last time I had my membranes stripped and eventually the contractions just petered out.

I am nervous for the fetal testing. All testing makes me nervous. I guess in the meantime, I'll try to get a few minutes of sleep while I wait for a call from the hospital.

I must say, this is not at all how I imagined it would be.

[Update:] I just got home from the hospital, where I had an AFI (to check fluid levels) and a fetal NST (non-stress test). Both results were "reassuring". My fluid levels are in the 80th percentile, considered to be "generous" and baby girl kicked and moved enough to please the assessor who therefore made the determination that we are not in need of an immediate induction. Thank G-d for that. Of course I prefer a great test result to an immediate delivery.

However, we are no closer to labour at this point. The contractions that resulted from this morning's second membrane stripping have continued, but they are not very strong nor are they regular. I'm not holding my breath that they mark the beginning of any real labour. As it stands, I am to repeat the AFI and NST at the hospital again on Tuesday and will likely be induced on Wednesday, provided I don't go into labour before then. And I was warned that if they are too booked to fit in my induction on Wednesday then it may be pushed back to Thursday or even possibly Friday. It will be a miracle if I don't give birth to a toddler at this point.

40w4d

2008-08-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

I realize I need to get over myself.

I hit a breaking point yesterday and just couldn't stop crying. Hormones, impatience, discomfort and lack of control were to blame. Luckily, I have a very sweet dad who recognized how upset I was and he very kindly gave me a hug, a foot massage and took me to the local jewish deli for some chicken soup with matzo balls. It helped immensely.

In all my anxiety, I lost, for a moment, the forest for the trees. I am so incredibly lucky and blessed to be in this place, mere hours or days away from meeting my daughter. It's not that I forgot about all that (I never, EVER forget), I just lost my focus.

Tomorrow morning I have a doctor's appointment, which will hopefully result in some sort of plan. The most my doctor will let me go overdue is 10 days so come hell or high water, this baby girl will be arriving no later than August 27th (next Wednesday). I hope it doesn't come down to induction, but I guess I need to be prepared for that possibility. If that's how it's going to happen, so be it.

Today it's raining but I'm going to try to get in a very long walk anyway. And I'm going to try to stay calm and have the most anxiety-free day I can. Although I feel like hands-down the most pregnant woman to ever waddle the face of the earth right now, I know this isn't an uncommon position for a first-time mum to find herself in and somehow zillions of other mums have gone a lot more overdue than I am right now and they have persevered and had perfect, healthy children. This is my focus, my mantra, for today.

I will post again after my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. So if you check my blog tomorrow (Friday) before 11:00am PST and don't see a post, don't assume it's because something exciting is happening, as I'll likely just be tied up at my appointment for the early part of the morning.

Then again, anything is possible, right?

40w3d

2008-08-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

I am losing my SHIT. I woke up at 5am this morning and just sobbed. This wait has reduced me to such a hormonal wreck. I am just not myself.

I know it must sound crazy, feeling so discouraged at his point in my pregnancy. I think it's the uncertainty that's getting to me. I am so desperate for this baby girl to be born, and everything else in my life is just on hold until she gets here. I don't want to be induced; I want Maya to decide to be born on her own.

I'm worried about what an induction would do to my baby and to my labour, I'm worried about having an aging placenta, I'm worried about something going wrong. I'm worried that this baby is going to be 15 pounds. I'm just wracked with worry in general. This truly has been a difficult week for me, emotionally. And I'm sure the hormones are not helping.

I have to clear out of my condo today because they're shutting off the power to the building from 9am to 4pm for some sort of maintenance. I suppose I could stay in but I'd be bored without TV, internet, etc. I am all about distraction right now, so that will never do. When we received the notice about the power shut-off a few weeks ago, I remember thinking, "I'm going to have a newborn by then." I honestly never thought I'd still be pregnant at this point. But here I am.

*sigh*

40w2d

2008-08-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yup, still preggers. And with no signs of labour approaching, despite some pelvic pressure, but that's nothing new.

My anxiety has been in full swing over the last couple of days. I am definitely doing that thing that my husband says I do: Trying to control everything else around me because I know I can't control when this baby is coming. Worrying about every crazy thing under the sun is exhausting, and it's a full-time job. Ah well, at least it keeps me busy.

Yesterday I decided to try nipple stimulation to get things going. I sat on the couch wearing my nursing bra undone, and tried to manually stimulate my nips while watching yesterday's episode of "Intervention". It must have been quite a weird sight, me fondling myself while watching a documentary on a crack user. I worked my nips as much as I could, until my hands got tired and my breasts felt they were on the verge of getting sore. I don't think it worked.

I don't think there is much I can do to speed things along here. I think I really just have to be patient, even though I'm terrible at it.

40w1d

2008-08-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

Officially overdue. I am starting to go nutso. I am honestly beginning to wonder if this baby girl is ever coming out.

It's funny how things come full circle. I remember when we were in the 2WW after our IVF, I was analyzing every single twinge, pain and hiccup. And now, waiting so desperately for labour to start, I find myself doing the exact same thing. "My back hurts - does this mean labour is starting? I feel nauseous - does this mean labour is starting? I think I felt a BH contraction - does that mean labour is starting?" And unfortunately, the answer thus far has been a resounding NOPE NOT YET.

I have to keep telling myself that no matter what, come hell or high water, my doctor won't let me go more than 10 days overdue, so I will be induced by August 27th. I just really hope it doesn't come to that as I understand that induction is not the best for the baby. I really want her to decide it's time to be born on her own. Like how about today? Today's good for me!

Yesterday I went to West Vancouver with my parents to visit my 93-year-old aunt and then go for lunch and a walk. The trip was unbearably hot in the car, and while I appreciated the chance to get my mind of things, I was really uncomfortable. Our walk had to be short because I was having so much pelvic pressure that it was actually painful to be walking around. I took that as a good sign.

I suppose this desperation to get things moving is Mother Nature's way of making labour - probably the most painful experience a woman can endure - sound appealing. You'd think I'd be more scared of pushing something the size of a cantaloupe out of my vagina, but here I am looking forward to it big time. Bring it on!

(and soon please!)

40 Weeks Today [Updated]

2008-08-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Stick a fork in me. Today is our official due date!

I thought we might get some labour action going last night due to the full moon and all, but nope. I slept like a baby without a minute of discomfort.

Yesterday was also uneventful, save for some minor BH contractions. D and I went on another long walk and had lunch down at the beach at one of our favourite restaurants. I ordered a breakfast burrito, thinking that it was the safest thing on the menu. But I had a bit of anxiety when it arrived and I discovered that the potatoes that came with had feta all over them. The waiter kindly replaced the potatoes when I told him that pregnant women can't have soft cheeses like that, and I ate them. But later, I started worrying that the feta had touched the plate and who knows what else and it threw me into a bit of a panic. Seriously, who puts feta on potatoes without warning?

I tried to rationalize with myself that A) the feta was likely pasteurized anyway if it was being served at a chain restaurant, B) I didn't eat any of it that I'm aware of, C) Listeria is extremely rare anyway, D) Just because something has the potential to carry listeria doesn't mean that it is definitely contaminated, E) My doctor has never seen a case of listeriosis, and F) None of the food recall advisement sites (yes I subscribe to these, call me paranoid), make any mention of any feta recalls in this area.

I think I'm having a hard time getting past the feta thing because we've come this far and a part of me is so very afraid that something will go wrong at the last minute. Is that a stupid thought? My husband thinks so.

So now what? I guess I'll take another walk today and just keep hoping that something will happen. I am so ready to meet this baby girl. I am desperate to transition to the next step. I think this last week has been the hardest and longest of my whole pregnancy. And the brutal heat of summer really isn't helping.

PS- Thank you to the anonymous commenter who left the nicest comment on my last post. You made my day!

PPS - [Update] I don't know why I didn't do this yesterday, but I just called the restaurant we ate at and asked them if their feta is pasteurized. It is. As is all of their cheeses. So I guess I can stop fretting now. My husband has told me before that when I feel like I can't control something (for example, waiting for labour), then I pick something unrelated and try to control that to an insane degree. I think he's right. I am feeling so nervous and hormonal right now, I guess I just needed something to focus my white-hot laser beam of anxiety on. I am so happy and excited but so anxious and emotional at the same time. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Please don't misunderstand, I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world; I am so amazingly blessed to be experiencing this miracle. I am honestly and truly happier now than I have ever been. But I think I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed physically. Overwhelmed with anticipation. Overwhelmed with nervous anxiety. Overwhelmed with a million emotions racing around in my head at the same time. OK so now you're privy to the deep dark secrets of a very heavily pregnant expectant mum. Probably too much to share with all of cyberspace. But oh well, if you can't be totally honest in your own blog then why bother having one?

Yup. You Guessed It.

2008-08-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

Still not in labour.

My responses to the zillions of well meaning phone calls and emails coming in have become like a template.

Insert one:
"No, baby's not here yet."
"No, we're not in labour."
"Yes, I am hot/uncomfortable/anxious/ready to pop."
"Yes, baby girl does seem to be taking her time."
"Thank you for telling me the story of your cousin/friend/sister/mum/coworker who went three weeks overdue."
"Yes, you are on the list of people to call when the baby arrives."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I know how blessed and lucky I am to be here. It's endearing how many people have come out of the woodwork to show they care. I really do appreciate it. It's just hard because I really don't have any significant news to share (unless they want to hear about my mucous plug ha ha).

Speaking of my mucous plug, I think maybe what I was describing was actually bloody show. I talked to a few of my girlfriends who have recently given birth and they tend to think that at least the first part of what came out was show, rather than plug. Interesting. Still doesn't mean that labour will be starting soon with any certainty. But it does mean that things are happening, albeit at their own pace.

I don't have too much of an update from yesterday. I went on several short walks that probably amounted to about 2km in total, so not bad. Had a few minor BH contractions during the day but nothing major. Interestingly, at night, I was awoken with some seriously incredible back pain that seemed to come in waves. It made me gasp it hurt so much. Weird that the pain was in my back, rather than my uterus, and it seemed to be on one side more than the other. It was pretty bad and for a while there I thought maybe it was finally the start of labour. But eventually I fell back asleep and so whatever it was, was relatively short-lived. I had these pains again toward the morning, but somehow I incorporated them into my dream and didn't wake up. But I know I was having them.

This morning I feel just fine and dandy. Great! Tomorrow is our official due date and even though I'm well aware that only 5% of women actually give birth on their due date, I sure wouldn't mind being one of them.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About My Mucous Plug (*But Were Afraid To Ask)

2008-08-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

So here I am posting this morning, obviously not at the hospital. Yesterday was largely uneventful, save for a handful of random fairly painless BH contractions. Around 4pm, D and I found ourselves just sitting around the house, being hot and feeling anxious, so he had the great idea to go out to see a movie and get dinner. He thought it would take our mind off things and at least give us a chance to sit around in some air conditioning, instead of the melting inferno that is our living room.

So we decided to hit the movie theater and we ended up seeing Pineapple Express. It was alright, not great, not terrible. Someone in the theater was smoking up, which I didn't appreciate being preggers and all; but living in Canada it was not much of a surprise. I looked around but in the darkened theater I couldn't pinpoint where the pot smoke was coming from, otherwise, I might have asked the smoker to knock it off. I find that being pregnant has given me at once a zero bullshit tolerance as well as a serious set of steel balls.

About halfway through the movie, I started having contractions again. These were actually somewhat painful and I motioned to D what was happening with a "thumbs up". Afterwards, we went to dinner at this little Italian place and the contractions continued, albeit very randomly. Later that evening at home, I had a few more contractions here and there, but nothing significant.

The most exciting part of yesterday came just before bed when I discovered that I lost some mucous plug. (*I don't want to gross anyone out here so I will save the detailed description of my mucous plug for the blue asterisks-marked portion at the very bottom of this page. Read at your own risk. Personally, I was very curious about what to expect with regard to this ominous mucous plug I'd heard so much about, so I thought maybe someone else out there would like a detailed description of mine. If it's too gross for you, or if you're reading this post over lunch, I would recommend skipping the last bit...)

My mucous plug came out during the course of last night, in pieces. Every time I'd go to the washroom, I'd find some more. I'm not sure if it's still coming or if it's all out now. But I have to say that it was a welcome, happy discovery to finally feel like there is some action afoot. I feel like labour is coming now. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Progress is being made.

I have decided to post every morning from here on out until we're at the hospital. That way, if you don't see a post from me one day, you'll know we're giving birth!

*OKAY now for the detailed description of my mucous plug:
The first bit came out and was roughly the size of a quarter. It was not what I expected it to look like as all the books describe it as a clear, blood-tinged snot-like substance. The first bit of mine looked more like brown jam - there were no clear bits at all. It was still translucent, like jelly, but it was much darker than I had expected.

As the evening progressed, it became more clear and slimy. Still tinged with brown but getting lighter and lighter. And unfortunately, a lot of it slid right into the toilet before I could get a chance to examine it, much to my dismay. I think towards the morning it even might have had bits of white in it, but that cannot be confirmed.

I will say that I could feel it sliding out. It felt like a gush of slime. Only time will tell if I've lost it all or if there is more to come. All told, if I had to wager a guess, I'd say the entire plug so far has been roughly half the size of a roll of dimes, maybe a bit bigger.

Losing one's mucous plug is encouraging to say the least. I am so hoping this marks the beginning of labour!

From Zero To Sixty And Back Down Again

2008-08-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's membrane stripping, I started contracting. Just irregular Braxton Hicks contractions, mind you, but some of them were a bit painful. D and I went for a really long walk in the hopes of moving things along. I was contracting the whole time. We were getting excited. When we got home, the Braxton Hicks contractions started getting really regular and quite uncomfortable. They were coming on average 7-8 minutes apart, and this lasted for over an hour. I really started wondering if this was it. D was sure we'd be heading to the hospital in the very near future.

But then, the contractions started getting irregular, coming at 6, 11, 7, 4, 8 and finally 20 minutes apart. After a while they just tapered off altogether.

So we went to bed. I did have a few contractions in the middle of the night that were painful enough to wake me from sleep, but nothing came of them. When I woke up this morning and realized that I felt just dandy, I got a little discouraged. At this point, I have no idea what's going on.

So far this morning, I have had a couple of painless BH contractions, but nothing to write home about. I will be taking another really long walk today in hopes of getting things going again.

I'll post again tomorrow morning with an update if we're not at the hospital. (But here's hoping for a post-less tomorrow!)

These Membranes Are Stripped. And How!

2008-08-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Goodness gracious, having your membranes stripped is quite the painful experience! I guess I have to chalk it up to some extra practice for the pain of labour. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning...

Had my LAST weekly doctor's appointment today before my due date. Baby is doing fine (yay!) and my cervix is soft and dilated 1-2 cm. And baby girl's head is "fully engaged". Thank goodness for progress!

So my doctor asked me if I wanted her to strip my membranes. Without a moment's hesitation, I blurted out "YES!" which was surprise even to me. I didn't even think about it, I guess I'm just ready to get this show on the road. Before she got started, I asked Dr. R if there are any side effects or risks to the baby that come along with stripping one's membranes. She replied that there would likely be some spotting and cramping afterwards, and there is a very slight chance of breaking my water, but there is no risk of harm to the baby. Before I knew it, I was on the table with feet in stirrups and Dr. R was asking me to take a deep breath...

With a gloved hand, she got waaaay up there and essentially swirled and pushed and pumped my cervix quite violently I might add, eliciting quite a bit of pain. Dr. R just kept telling me to try to relax, take deep breaths, and to trust her this hurts a lot less than labour. It really did hurt, yowza! And after about 30 seconds, it was done. She pointed out that I was contracting already, which is to be expected after one's membranes are violently stripped. Whoa.

When I finally was able to get off the table, get dressed and make my way out of the exam room, I noticed that everyone in the waiting area was looking at me. The receptionist started laughing and said, "are you OK? We could hear you all the way out here!" How embarrassing. I guess I must have been squealing and howling with quite a bit of volume. Thank goodness it was my last appointment for awhile!

I have been contracting on and off since my appointment this morning, which Dr. R said is to be expected. Let's hope it keeps up! They're not bad contractions at all, and I'm not even sure if I should be timing them at this point as I'm fairly certain they're just Braxton Hicks. I'm going to take a nice long walk today and hopefully that will keep up the pre-labour momentum.

Before I left the appointment, Dr. R said there was a decent chance that I could be in labour by the weekend if the membrane stripping worked. But then she was quick to add that it was also totally possible that it didn't work and if my body and my baby aren't ready to go, then nothing will happen. So we'll see what transpires.

If you don't see a post from me in the next couple of days, I think you can assume we're at the hospital! I'm trying not to get my hopes up here, but it's hard not to get a little excited. The idea that I could be holding my baby girl by this weekend is, well, there are just no words. Fingers crossed!

Take Cover Vancouver

2008-08-11T15:45:00.001-07:00

She's gonna blow!

39 weeks pregnant...

39 Weeks Today

2008-08-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Only ONE week to go before our due date. I am so ready.

Despite my minute-to-minute anticipation and my thorough preparations, I have not felt like labour is coming soon at all. I am hoping I'll be one of those women who get taken by surprise, despite her complete and total lack of any labour signs. I have not lost any mucous plug, and really haven't had any Braxton Hicks contractions. Honestly, I feel fine, despite being pretty darn uncomfortable. Maya pushes so hard sometimes that it almost makes me lose my breath. She's just so big now! I do feel a fair amount of pelvic and rectal pressure, especially in the evenings. But other than that, I really haven't felt any different at all. I'm just really anxious.

The most frustrating part is that I know it's all out of my hands. My need to control just can't apply in this case. There is literally nothing I can do to make baby girl want to be born. No amount of acupuncture, tea, spicy food, or long walks will make any difference if my baby and my body aren't ready. Letting go of the steering wheel is so hard for me.

I'm starting to worry that I baby girl is going to be born late - like really late. I sincerely hope this is not the case. I am an impatient soul at the best of times and I think every day that we go past our due date will be nothing less than torture for me and my anxieties.

Everyone's telling me to enjoy this time - to make the most of the quiet and solitude. While I definitely understand this sentiment, I honestly feel like D and I have waited so long to be parents that we're just past all that. We're ready to meet our daughter. We're ready to be parents. We're ready for our lives to change. If Maya only knew how desperately we love her already.

D just got an email from his mum saying that she has a feeling that today is the day...From her mouth to G-d's ears!

Look To The Stars

2008-08-07T17:22:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to figure out just when this labour thing might go down, I employed the resources of Madame Zaritska, internet clairvoyant. Unfortunately, M. Zaritska was less than helpful. She informs me that I am going to have a boy, who will be born bald. She also adds that the weather will be rainy when I go into labour. Meanwhile, three ultrasounds have confirmed that we are having a girl who has lots and lots of hair already. And it's the middle of a summer heat wave in my neck of the woods.

So the wait continues. Still no signs of impending labour. Nothing at all.

*Sigh*

Where We Be

2008-08-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Saw that locum again today at my doctor's appointment. After a very painful internal exam, she informed me that my cervix is still only 1cm dialated and remains posterior, but it is very soft. She also said that baby girl's head is really low, adding that "everything is exactly as it should be" for 38 weeks. She also casually mentioned that during my internal exam she "accidently stripped my membranes...a little bit". I guess it's not hard to do when one is feeling around in there. I didn't want her to do it, but maybe it will help to get things going a bit.

Maya is no longer posterior, I am happy to report. I never really agreed with the doctor's assessment last week when she said she was. I think baby girl flips back and forth and if she is ever posterior, I don't think she stays that way for very long.

The only thing that got me a bit excited during today's appointment was that the doctor doesn't think Maya will be late. I don't know why she thinks that, and I don't know how much I trust her opinion in general, but hey, I'll take it. It would be great if Maya comes on time (or even early! how about today? hehe). I am just feeling so ready.

So that's that. I would have liked to have more exciting news to report but the absence of any bad news is good enough for me right now.

38 Weeks Today

2008-08-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Remember in my last post when I stoically stated that I could be patient? Well, as it turns out, not so much. I should change my blog name to The Waiting Game.

Every day I wake up wondering "Is this the day"? I am getting increasingly more surly as the minutes pass, and I am still showing absolutely NO signs of labour. I am uncomfortable, crabby, anxious and just feeling really ready.

But alas, baby girl seems to have no intention of coming out to meet us any time soon. I have a feeling she thinks just like her dad - why go out when you can stay inside where it's warm, comfortable and there's plenty of food? I haven't lost any mucous plug, despite checking several times a day. Besides some occasional pelvic and/or rectal pressure, I honestly feel nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, I haven't even had a single Braxton Hicks contraction in what seems like ages!

I don't mean to complain. I know I should be enjoying this time, making the most of these last couple of weeks. And I am trying to be patient; I really am. I just feel like I'm in this weird limbo. I mean technically, she's not even late yet so I have no reason to be antsy, really. But on the other hand, I am so incredibly excited and filled with anticipation to meet my baby girl and finally be a mother. It's a strange time.

As long as she's healthy and happy, I guess baby girl can come out whenever she's ready. But I sure wouldn't mind if it's sooner, rather than later.

No one has ever been pregnant forever, right? RIGHT?

The Locum, The Lowdown & The Latest

2008-07-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

I had my 37 week appointment this morning, and I am grateful to report that all is well. But it was a bit of a stressful appointment anyway. I saw a locum doctor today, instead of Dr. R. This locum will be my doctor for next week's appointment as well and while she was nice, she was very young and I just don't feel like I trust her as much as I'd like to.

First off, she took FOR-FREAKIN-EVER to find baby girl's heartbeat on the doppler. Meanwhile I died a thousand deaths on the exam table. Even though I had just been feeling Maya kick and squirm not 5 minutes earlier, I gotta say there is nothing more terrifying than having a doctor struggle to locate your baby's heartbeat. FINALLY, she found it, and I unclenched.

Next, this doctor pointed out that Maya is posterior - meaning that she's facing outward - arms and legs towards my belly and her spine on my spine. This of course worried me because back labour is known for being extra painful. But on the bus ride home, Maya shifted and her bum was definitely pointing out, I'm quite sure, so if she was indeed posterior at the appointment, she wasn't that way for long. Whatever.

Lastly, the doctor offered to "strip my membranes". This is a procedure whereby the doctor manually separates the bag of waters (amniotic sac) from the cervix in an effort to get labour going. I declined this offer because A) I am only 37 weeks along - a bit too early to start induction methods IMHO, B) if Maya is indeed posterior, do we really want to start encouraging labour before giving her a chance to turn? and C) it's a painful procedure that only works 15% of the time anyway. I just thought it was weird of her to offer this at this stage in pregnancy. As much as I'm getting anxious for labour, I think I'd rather just let my body and my baby do what comes naturally, rather than force labour to start... especially at only 37 weeks along.

I am looking forward to Dr. R's return in two weeks, that's for sure.

Also of note - my cervix is unchanged from last week's appointment and remains "fingertip dilated". Maya has moved down a little lower and is about halfway engaged in my pelvis. But really, no major change from last week. I really don't think baby girl will be making her grand entrance anytime in the immediate future.

That's fine. I can be patient.

37 Weeks Today

2008-07-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

We're full term! We're full term!!
We're FULL TERM!!!

I am sooooo excited, happy, grateful, thankful and ecstatic to have made it this far. Technically speaking, baby girl could be born at any time now! However, I'm not holding my breath for labour to start in the immediate future. I haven't even lost my mucous plug yet. (That's a sentence I never thought I'd be saying.)

Yeah, I have the feeling it's going to be awhile yet. Although baby girl does seem to be getting lower and lower all the time. And I definitely have been experiencing an increased amount of pelvic/rectal pressure. That's got to count for something. I went for a long-ish walk (read: waddle) with D yesterday and at times it was quite painful, like a bowling ball was in my pelvis. D kept asking me if I wanted to sit down and rest but I persevered in the hopes that walking around might very well be helping to move things along.

I am now big and pregnant enough that everywhere I go, someone will comment or ask me about the baby. And those who don't say anything send a wide-eyed, surprised glance toward my belly. I remember when L was just a few weeks from giving birth, she was complaining that "everyone was staring at her". At the time, I thought she was just being paranoid but now I think I get it. Truthfully, though, I must look interesting to say the least, carrying around this enormous belly on my smallish frame.

Baby girl seems to be doing well, still active as ever. She never did adopt any semblance of a pattern. Some days she is busier than others, but generally, I feel her every hour, sometimes more, if I'm paying attention. Her kicks have turned into pushing, poking and rolling over the last few weeks and it's amazing how strong she is getting. Sometimes it actually hurts, but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

I must admit, I am getting really excited and anxious to finally be a mum. While the pain of labour does scare me at times, I'm really not all that nervous. I am so ready to meet my daughter. I am so excited to see what she looks like, smell what she smells like, feel what it feels like to hold her. I am looking at labour as this threshold to be crossed in order to get to the other side - motherhood. Parenthood. The fact that it could happen at any time now is nothing short of amazing. WOW.

Now for some belly pics. Look how we've grown!

12 Weeks Pregnant

26 Weeks Pregnant

31 Weeks Pregnant

...and 37 Weeks Pregnant (photo taken this morning)

Pre-Waiting

2008-07-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

With all the excitement that came from the discovery of slow progress at my last doctor's appointment, I find myself now carefully monitoring every single possible little bodily sign that labour might be approaching. So far, I've got nothing. In fact, I haven't even had a Braxton Hicks contraction in the recent past. I have a feeling baby girl will not be coming for a while yet.

So, I have decided to do my best to "encourage" labour - starting after Sunday - when she'll be full term. I think I'll try the red raspberry leaf tea, some acupuncture, some exercises, maybe some spicy food. Sex is out of the question, I'm just too big right now. I'll do what I can, I mean, it can't hurt right? Does anyone have any suggestions I haven't thought of? Advice and ideas are totally welcome!

(As an aside, my dear friend N who threw me the baby shower, just had her baby a few days ago at 37w1d. She was 6 days ahead of me in her pregnancy. I spoke with her the morning before she went into labour and she was heading to work, had barely done any baby preparations, hadn't even packed her hospital bag. When I told her she had better get crackin' she said, "Oh I know, I'm going to get everything done on the weekend [referring to THIS weekend]". She went into labour that evening and had her baby boy the next morning. So maybe that's the way to go into labour? Perhaps if I go back to work, unpack my carefully organized hospital bags and maybe return some of the baby items we've collected??)

It's so funny. For the better part of my pregnancy, I have been terrified of pre-term birth and having a low birth weight baby. Now, I'm more terrified that she'll be really late and really huge. Everyone keeps telling me that Maya will come when she's good and ready. I suspect this is true no matter what kind of labour "encouraging" actions I take.

So here I am, in the pre-waiting phase. As of Sunday, I'll be officially waiting.

The Beginnings Of The Beginning

2008-07-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Had my 36 week doctor's appointment today. All went well, except that my sugars were quite high again. Dr. R said not to worry about it because they haven't been consistently high; still, I would have liked them to be a bit lower.

There were some exciting developments that came out of today's appointment: My cervix is 1cm dilated (or "fingertip dilated" as they call it) and is beginning to soften, but does still remain posterior (meaning it hasn't swung forward yet as it should do as I get closer to delivery). Also notable is that Maya is starting to engage into my pelvis, another good sign. I kinda thought as much as I have been having some pelvic and rectal pressure over the last couple of days. And my belly doesn't look or feel quite as big as it did last week.

"What does this all mean?" I asked Dr. R. She informed me that all this, while good signs, mean absolutely positively nothing. She said some women walk around like this for weeks. So, while we are showing some signs of progress, I am still thinking that baby girl is gonna hang out in me for a while longer yet.

The cervical examination made me bleed a little. While I was prepared that this might happen, I am surprised at the deep-seated subconscious panic that seeing blood - even old brown blood - on the toilet paper still ensues in me. At 36 weeks along, you'd think I'd be more phlegmatic about it.

Also, I had my Group B Strep swab taken today; results should be in by next appointment in a week.

So that's the latest! More info to come as it develops. Cheers!

36 Weeks Today

2008-07-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

Holy guacamole I'm 36 weeks pregnant! That's NINE months!! I must admit there were many times during this pregnancy where I questioned whether or not we'd actually get this far. But we're here now, and WOW, baby girl will be here so soon!

Physically, I feel fine. Just huge and uncomfortable. And tired and slow. I get those "electric shocks" in my vag every so often, but I suspect that is normal for this stage of pregnancy. And last night, after a few weeks of not having any real Braxton Hicks contractions, I got hit with loads of them - maybe 20 just last night. I kept looking at D as if to say, "is this it?" but alas, they never did get regular so I just chalked them up to practice. Normally, having all those BH contractions would have worried me but I was actually excited to have them. It means that my body is gearing up! And although I'd definitely like my daughter to stay put for at least another week, I know that if she were born 10 minutes from now, she'd likely be just fine. Besides, I'm fairly certain she hasn't dropped yet so I think we've still got a fair bit of time.

Emotionally, I have been a bit of a wreck. Nothing too extreme, but I have been having some really crazy hormonally induced mood swings. I go from being super happy to sobbing in less than 5 minutes these days. I started to cry on the way home from the market yesterday for no apparent reason. They were happy tears, I was trying to explain to D. But D, well, he was just flat out confused. And oh my poor husband - I am all over the map with him. I go from being adoring, loving and affectionate to being totally disgusted and annoyed with him and then all the way back around again. This happens maybe 50 times during the day. He is being so patient and understanding with me. I think on some level, he expected this. I keep telling him if he thinks this is bad, just wait until my milk comes in. I've heard that the surge of hormonal craziness peaks when your milk comes in. Should be interesting.

We are almost totally ready for baby girl. Our hospital bags are packed and her room and closet are set up (minus the crib and changing table that are on back order - no worries though, she'll sleep in a bassinet in our room for the first few months anyway). I do have to do one more big shop at BRU for some little things - which I will do in about 2 weeks - but other than that, we're ready to go! I went from being too superstitious to buy any baby things to being totally obsessed with having everything bought and ready for Maya's arrival. I think this about face happened somewhere around 32 weeks.

D and I are so beyond excited to meet our daughter. She's all we think and talk about. She is squirming around as I type this. I love you so much little one!

A Big (Make That HUGE) Sigh Of Relief

2008-07-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

Had my second scan today to measure my amniotic fluid levels. I am so happy to report that it could not have gone better. My amniotic fluid levels are now in the 86th percentile. Hooray! What a relief to officially rule out polyhydramnios. Yay!!!

Other details from the scan:
-Maya is measuring perfectly and normally
-She still has a round buddha belly
-She is low, but has not "dropped" yet
-She has lots and lots of hair
-She has a cute button nose (just like her daddy) and big pouty lips (just like me)
-The ultrasound technician and the sonographer kept saying how cute she looks
-Baby girl was active, squirming around, making it hard for the sonographer to get her pictures (cheeky little girl)
-She is a big baby: At 35w2d, she is estimated to weigh 6lbs 3oz!

I got some amazing pictures of her face from today's scan. Unfortunately, I can't post them because I don't have access to a scanner. It's really too bad because for the first time, I actually got to see what she looks like - so rare in a regular 2D ultrasound.

Baby girl I love you!!!

35 Weeks Today

2008-07-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

35 weeks now and in my head, the countdown has really started. Amazing to think baby girl is full-term in 2 weeks and due in only 5! Wow!

After my shower, I feel so much more prepared in terms of buying baby things; my friends and family have been so generous - especially my mum and dad. I did a quick bit of research and I think in order to get the rest of the stuff we'll need, it will be about $1000. Which is really not bad, considering we've received so many wonderful gifts which helped bring down the baby costs by so much. I told D about my spending plan and at first he was shocked by the amount, but when I explained to him that it is a one-time cost to get everything we need for this kid to be off to a great start, he was a bit more agreeable. Babies are expensive - there is just no getting around it.

We have our last childbirthing class tonight. I will be relieved to have them under our belt and I think D will be relieved to have them over with. He does not do hippie. And unfortunately, this is the style of our instructor. She is very knowledgeable but she is all about the ooey-gooey-touchy-feely stuff. Not our style at all, although I am more tolerant of it than D is. Truthfully, though, the classes have indeed helped me feel more prepared.

So the belly is still growing by leaps and bounds. In fact, just last night we had some friends over for dinner and at one point, I stood up from the table, went into the kitchen and came back. One of my friends exclaimed, "I can't believe this! You've grown even more since leaving the table 5 minutes ago!"

Here's a 35 week belly pic for ya:

I'm still nervous for my scan on Tuesday. I am really hoping and praying that my amniotic fluid levels have decreased a bit, putting me square in the normal range. At the very least, I just hope the levels haven't increased at all. It makes me anxious just thinking about Tuesday. Good thoughts are needed and appreciated!

Baby Shower

2008-07-11T09:42:00.001-07:00

My friends threw me a lovely baby shower last night. It was a small group of girls - nine I think - and it was truly lovely. Miss Maya got spoiled rotten with so many beautiful and thoughtful gifts. I felt really, really special and loved and if it's possible, I am even more excited about being a mum than I was before.

Here is a photo of me and my dear friend N, who was responsible for throwing me this lovely shower. Note that she is also preggers and only 6 days ahead of me in her pregnancy!

It was a fantastic evening and I am so happy that my darling baby girl is being born into so much love.

Possible Mild Polyhydramnios

2008-07-08T21:02:00.001-07:00

I had my regular OB/GYN appointment today, and I made sure to bring up the fact that on my last growth scan, my amniotic fluid levels were in the 95th percentile - in other words, I've got a generous amount of amniotic fluid. You'd think this was a great thing to have, better than not having enough fluid, and indeed that is true. But with everything else in pregnancy, there can be too much of a good thing.

Dr. R went over the results of the scan and as it turns out, my fluid levels are actually in the 97th percentile. And anything over the 95th percentile yields a diagnosis of polyhydramnios. What I seem to have is a very mild case of it, and thank goodness for that, because acute cases come with a whole holy host of possible problems. I'm trying very hard not to worry, but it's difficult to keep my anxieties at bay.

I was really hoping that Dr. R would say, "Oh it's nothing, don't worry, forget about it." But that's not exactly what happened. She did say that I shouldn't worry, but quickly added that she'd like to send me for another scan to monitor the fluid levels. I certainly appreciate her covering all our bases, but I really was hoping that she'd just say my fluid levels were normal. So, I have another scan booked to check how my amniotic fluid levels are faring next Tuesday. And if you've been following my blog for any length of time, you know that I'll be laden with anxiety and worry until then. If you can send a good thought my way for good results, I'd really appreciate it.

Other than that, my appointment went well and was quite standard. Baby girl's heart rate was 147 and blood pressure normal. Oh yeah - and this is funny - at my growth scan they recorded Maya's fetal measurements (head circumference, abdominal circumference, femur length, etc.). Dr. R pointed out that Maya's already got a bit of a buddha belly. All measurements were totally within normal limits, but her tummy measured a bit on the big side. Dr. R said that it looks like she'll be a "round" baby. I do love my little chubster so very much!

Class

2008-07-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

We had our first childbirthing class last night (class one of two). It went well, I quite like our teacher, despite the fact that she is a bit touchy-feely-hippy-dippy. I think the best part of the class was learning stuff I hadn't considered prior. For example, D now knows how to support me during labour and I now know how to communicate with him to let him know what I need and want. We also learned some pain coping techniques using ice as a pain source. All in all, I think I got more out of the class than D did, but he was a good sport and tried his best.

In fact, I was feeling so fine and confident that what happened at the end of the class really threw me for a loop. During the last 30 minutes of the class, our instructor showed us some labour videos. One of them followed 5 real couples through all the stages of labour from the beginning until birth. It was graphic to say the least. And not just a little unnerving. Let's just say I woke up at 3am this morning with those labour vids replaying in my mind and I couldn't get back to sleep. I went into the class feeling excited and confident, and now I am scared shitless. I can't get those images and the sounds of the screaming out of my head. Yup, I'm a little freaked out.

I mean, of course I always knew it would hurt, but I guess my experience last night was a nice little reality check.

Our teacher also gave us some homework: Some reading, some exercises, some things to buy, etc. And oh yeah, to have sex twice a week. CONFESSION: D and I have not had sex since we've been pregnant. Not. Once. In NINE months. At first I was just too scared to do it. And now we've waited so long I don't know how to even go about doing it. I'm huge and I can't imagine what positions we could possibly do. And I'm afraid it'll hurt and I'll bleed (which will totally freak me out) because it's been so long. Not to mention I feel about as sexy as a hippopotamus right now. My husband is a saint. That's all I can say. (And he doesn't even have a bit of stuff on the side!)

However, having said that, I'm determined to do my homework, and I do mean ALL of it. Tonight might just be the night.

Goodness.

34 Weeks Today

2008-07-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

3 weeks to go before we're full-term and 6 weeks to go before our due date. Time is really starting to fly!

We have our first childbirthing class tonight, which I am looking forward to. Unfortunately it's from 4:30 to 9pm, and since I have the attention span of a gnat right now, we'll see how much information I actually retain.

Today I'm going to spend some time in Maya's room organizing her little doodads. Her closet is pretty much done now, I just need to work on some of the smaller details. I also need to work on our hospital bags.

D and I had a "date night" last night - dinner and a movie - we went to see Wall-E. It was really cute and we had a fun night. I couldn't help but thinking that this might just be one of the last "date nights" we have for a while. With any luck, our date nights will be replaced with "family nights" in the very near future. It may have well been a family night last night; all D and I ever do is talk about Maya and all our hopes and dreams for her. D says the thing he is most excited about is showing our daughter all the great and amazing things in the world. He can't wait to teach her all he knows. We are both incredibly excited for this kid. If she only knew how completely loved she already is.

6 more weeks and we're hanging in there. We can do this. WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS!!!

All Doctored Up

2008-07-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Here in Canada, we don't really go to specialty doctors (i.e. pediatricians, dermatologists, psychiatrists, for example) unless there is a problem that is so severe or complicated that it can't be treated by a general practitioner. In other words, every man, woman and child goes to a general practitioner (known as a "family doctor") for every reason you can think of; and, if the illness or problem is more than what is encompassed in the family doctor's scope of expertise, they then refer you to a specialty doctor. It doesn't matter if you've sprained your ankle, contracted a rash or developed a tumor, your first stop is your family doctor. (Of course in an emergency situation you would just head straight for the hospital.)

The problem is that more than half the population doesn't have a regular family doctor. Canada is rife with walk-in clinics, and for most people, treatment at such clinics generally suffices. These clinics usually have a rotating staff of 10-20 doctors (sometimes more) and the patient just shows up, takes a number, and gets seen by whoever is working at that moment. Bear in mind that all treatment - everything from the flu, to delivering a baby, to brain surgery - is totally free for Canadian citizens. It's socialism in action and I am totally grateful to live in a country where I don't have to worry about how to pay a hospital bill.

However, in Canada, maintaining good health is the responsibility of the individual - not the system - and like most of the people here, I don't have a family doctor. Until today!

At my last OB/GYN appointment, I asked Dr. R what the heck I am supposed to do with my newborn daughter after she's born. Who's going to be in charge of her medical care? Dr. R replied that I could just take her to my family doctor. Yikes! But I don't have one, I told her. And it's really important to me that she is taken care of by someone who knows what they're doing (i.e. someone that has experience with babies and children).

So Dr. R referred me to Dr. M (Dr. R takes her own children to see this doctor, so off to a good start right away). I met with Dr. M today and I freakin' LOVED her. Her practice is largely babies and children, she also does some obstetrics, she's got two kids of her own (ages 2 and 4) and she is just all around awesome. When I met with her, I expected the usual 5 minute appointment - in and out - as per the usual custom of family doctors. But no, she took nearly 30 minutes to go over my medical history, my family medical history, and the baby's information.

Dr. M seems very knowledgeable and friendly and I was instantly comfortable in her presence. She's just so easy to trust.

So now that Maya and I are "officially" her patients, I feel a huge sense of relief. Not only has she agreed to see Maya right after she's born no matter what kind of crazy schedule she's got, she even told me to call her office when I'm headed to hospital to deliver and she will come by and meet us there after baby girl arrives. What a great feeling to be looked after. Such a rarity here in Canada!

So we've got our doctor. Check that off my to-do list!

Growth Scan

2008-06-30T15:34:00.001-07:00

Just got home from the ultrasound, and much to my relief, everything went very well (Thank You G-d!).

The highlights:

-Maya is in the head-down position.
-My cervix is still holding strong at 3.2cm (no change from 14 weeks).
-Maya is still a GIRL!
-Maya is measuring at 32w6d; I am 33w1d today. The sonographer was quick to add that when you're this far along in pregnancy, a discrepancy of 2 days means absolutely nothing as the measurements become less accurate the further along you get. This does not change my due date.
-So why is my fundal height so big? Well, as it turns out I am carrying a "generous" amount of amniotic fluid. In the 95th percentile, to be exact. I'm going to ask my doctor about this but the sonographer did not seem concerned. A quick Google search on the subject yields a mixed bag of information but in a nutshell, this news is not great, but not too bad. Looks like I could be at risk for going into labour early but as my cervix is still unchanged, I'm not terribly worried about it yet. But I will definitely talk to my doctor at my appointment next week. (Also of note - apparently amniotic fluid "maxes out" at 32 or 33 weeks, so that may have something to do with it too.)

-Maya's weight was estimated to be 4 pounds, 14 ounces.
-Maya has HAIR!!! Sweet little wisps of it visible on ultrasound. She has EYELASHES too!
-Maya is practicing her BREATHING! Her diaphragm was moving up and down in preparation for breathing air. Clever girl!
-Maya was gripping the umbilical cord with her right hand. Don't squeeze too hard little one!
-Maya's face is just like D's and her feet are exactly like mine.
-Maya wasn't moving all that much, she was just kinda chillin' out. But she is pretty crammed in there so there's not a lot of room for her to go crazy.
-The sonographer said that everything looked "perfect". Music to my ears!

I can't post the pictures, unfortunately; They are just way too grainy to see anything really and besides I don't have access to a scanner now that I'm off work. You'll just have to take my word for it when I say that baby girl is super cute and I am so relieved that she healthy and just the right size.

Whew!!!

33 Weeks Today

2008-06-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

I bought stuff yesterday. Diapers, diaper rash cream, breast pads, nipple cream, the works. It felt weird to do it. It felt simultaneously uncomfortable and exhilarating buying these things for my baby; like WOW is this really happening? And soon?

While I was perusing the baby aisle a lady stopped me and said, "So, not long now, eh? [Don't laugh at the "eh", I'm Canadian!] Are you excited? Babies are such a miracle." She went on about how she misses having babies (she was an older lady) and how she loved being pregnant. I told her that I was excited and thrilled beyond words. As she walked away, she looked at me and said, "I truly wish you all the very best of luck." It was a nice exchange. I thanked her for her kind words.

I'm still feeling a bit of anxiety about tomorrow's ultrasound. I don't know why, really. I guess these appointments just make me nervous in general. It will be good to see just exactly how big she is and if she is head-up or head-down. I honestly can't tell what position she is in. I feel movement high up under my ribs and low, like around my belly button. D is coming with me to the ultrasound and I'm thankful for that. I like to think he's our lucky charm.

I'll post with an update tomorrow after the ultrasound. Please keep a good thought for us for tomorrow at 2pm PST. Heartfelt thanks, everyone.

And as a show of gratitude for these well-wishes, I leave you with this lovely self-shot image, which no doubt will haunt your nightmares for at least a week:
Note that my once abyss-deep belly button is now completely flat and has indeed grown a smaller belly button inside. I think it's just mere days away from transforming into a true blue outie. (Side note: I wonder if it will make a popping sound when that happens?)

I Stink. Like Really, Really Bad.

2008-06-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

About three weeks ago, I started noticing that my deodorant just wasn't working like it should. Despite how much I washed my armpits (with antibacterial soap no less) and no matter how much deodorant I applied, I could not stave off the eventual B.O.

You know it's bad when when you can smell it on yourself.

At my last doctor's appointment, I arrived wearing a heavy long sleeve shirt. Dr. R asked if I could take it off so she could take my blood pressure on my bare upper arm. I warned her that she might regret asking me to do that and told her she better hold her breath. She laughed and said she was not surprised, adding that towards the end of pregnancy it's not uncommon for women's chemistry to change thus causing them to, well, stink. Apparently it's due to the increase in hormone levels.

And unfortunately, there's not much that can be done about this.

So here I am, sitting in my sun-toasted condo at the beginning of summer with about 7 weeks of pregnancy left to go. Sitting here sweating and stinking. Stinking and sweating.

This is just one of the many aspects of pregnancy that no one ever warns you about. I should write a book about all these bodily surprises I've come across. Pleasant it's not, but I wouldn't trade a second of this for the world.

Stank and all.

Blown Away

2008-06-26T13:34:00.001-07:00

I just found out that three of my friends are throwing me a baby shower. It was supposed to be a surprise, but they decided to let me in on it because A) they wanted me to have an opportunity to invite who I want and B) they didn't want me to be so surprised that I suddenly go into labour.

I am touched and moved beyond words. Words can't express my appreciation for this lovely, lovely gesture.

So my baby shower is on July 10th and other than the date and the guest list, I have no other details. I truly have the sweetest and kindest friends in the world.

I'll definitely take lots of pictures and post them!

I am so lucky and so spoiled.

Quick Update

2008-06-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

Had my semi-weekly doctor's appointment today... All went very well, and for that I am sincerely grateful.

There was some sugar in my urine this morning, and the doctor said that it could be caused by something I ate and even if it wasn't, she said it's not that uncommon at this point in pregnancy. She basically reminded me to watch my sugar intake (which I usually do) and not worry about it too much.

I only gained one pound in two weeks so that was good news.

My fundal height is only measuring about one week ahead this time. At first, I found this to be a bit of a relief because if you recall, two weeks ago, she was measuring FOUR weeks ahead. But then I started wondering if that meant she hasn't grown at all in the last two weeks. When I asked about it, my doctor laughed and said, what it means is that the doctor who measured me last time tends to measure bigger and it's not an exact measurement anyway. But, because my fundal height has been consistently big, and she could tell I was concerned, she agreed to send me for an ultrasound to verify just how big Maya really is. My scan is scheduled for Monday June 30th at 2:00pm. I gotta admit, I'm nervous! These nerves never seem to settle no matter how far along we get in this pregnancy.

Also, on palpation today, my doctor seems to think that Maya is breech. Which is fine now, she still has plenty of time to turn. And again, this was just a guess on her part and the scan on Monday will confirm just what my little girl is doing in there exactly. I kinda think she is head-down but what do I know?

All in all, a good appointment. As Dr. R was finishing up with me, she made it a point to say that Maya is doing "great". Music to my ears!

Wish us luck for Monday's scan.

32 Weeks Today

2008-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

32 weeks = 8 months! EIGHT MONTHS!!!

This is a very special milestone. A few appointments back, my doctor mentioned that if a baby is born at 32 weeks, the long-term health outcomes are the same as if the baby was born full term. They would have to be in the NICU for a few weeks but a 32-week preemie has the same rate of survival (and long-term good health) as a 40-week baby.

Do I dare breathe a teeny tiny sigh of relief?

Maya has been sleeping a bit more, I have noticed. I still feel her often, but she's a tad lazier than she was in previous weeks. I think it is a combination of her running out of room to move and the fact that she's starting to sleep more to get ready for birth. I read somewhere babies do that near the end. She still goes nutso in the afternoons and in the evenings after dinner, which I look forward to every day.

I am bigger than ever now. My belly seems to stick out a mile and I am truly starting to resemble a beached whale. I go back and forth between feeling beautifully pregnant and horrendously huge. Of course I LOVE my big pregnant belly and it really is the greatest fashion accessory; I can get away with wearing almost any ridiculous or ragged outfit I want because the belly gets all the attention anyway. But I certainly don't feel as sexy or alluring as I used to think I was.

All in all, I feel really good aside from a few very minor discomforts: Heartburn, hip pain, breathlessness, and basically just being slightly uncomfortable. But I certainly can't complain. I am loving every minute of this.

Here are the latest pics of Maya and me:

720 Baby Wipes

2008-06-20T08:00:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry. I have been lax at posting this week due to being busy. My parents are in town and have kindly been driving me around to a million errands that I have been putting off. D and I don't have a car - we're true blue city folk - so when my parents show up, I'm afraid I tend to take too much advantage of their offer to taxi me around town.

Yesterday was one such trip. We went to Costco! There is a Costco right in the middle of downtown Vancouver (less than half a mile from our home) and although we have a membership, I do find it challenging to make the trip on a regular basis without a vehicle.

Well yesterday was my chance to do some damage. Armed with a fully loaded debit card and my parent's SUV, I arrived with my folks, ready to shop. We timed our arrival for 11:00am - figuring that this would be the least busy shopping time. The world was our oyster.

Costco treated us well, and I managed to get out of there spending less than $300. Notably, my favourite purchase was a big ol' industrial-sized box of baby wipes - 720 to be exact. Buying them felt amazing, exhilarating, exciting. It's the little things in life, I suppose.

This isn't a very exciting post. I apologize for that. I guess that's just where I'm at right now. I'm caught up doing the ho-hum preparations and biding my time until Maya arrives. She is all I think about. All day, every day. I am so excited to wipe her cute little bum with those 720 baby wipes.

Shopping!

2008-06-16T20:07:00.001-07:00

My parents took me shopping for all kinds of baby stuff today. Thanks to their INCREDIBLE generosity, Maya's room is now outfitted with some gorgeous nursery furniture PLUS we got a fantastic new stroller. Here's what we got:

This crib and dresser/changing table (the one on the left, not the right, and without the hutch):
And PS- the crib converts into a day bed and a full-size bed for when baby girl gets older.

This crib bedding set:

This stroller (The Bugaboo Chameleon in Denim...ahhh drool):

And this diaper bag:

Unfortunately the only teeny tiny issue with the nursery furniture is that, since it is built to order, it won't be ready for 8 to 12 weeks from now. I am a little disappointed that I can't set everything up sooner, but really it's not a big deal. Maya will be in a bassinet in our room for the first few months anyway. And as far as changing her diapers go, well I can just use the changing mat that came in the diaper bag while we wait for the changing table. Plus, the store said our order might arrive earlier anyway so we'll see what happens. Either way, I am really, REALLY happy with our purchases.

My mum asked me today if all this shopping made everything feel more real. I'm not sure how to answer that. But I can say that buying everything was really exciting. I think Maya thought so too; she kicked me all day.

Today was a really fun day. THANKS AGAIN MUM AND DAD!!!

31 Weeks Today

2008-06-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! The countdown of remaining weeks is now officially in single digits.

I have indeed noticed that it's true what the books and websites say; Maya's movements have become less forceful and strong lately. While I still feel her moving around often, her movements now seem to be of the squirmier variety and less kicky and punchy. And she does tend to get the hiccups quite often too (which I love).

I am still not sleeping well but I'm just getting used to it. C'est la vie and it's a small price to pay. I honestly don't mind. Other interesting developments include:

1. I can no longer bend over without considerable effort and maneuvering.
2. None - and I mean none - of my bras fit anymore, even my maternity bras.
3. I have far less patience for bullshit.
4. I am feeling unusually and noticeably mushy for my husband, bordering on needy.
5. When I sit in certain ways (i.e. slouching), I get short of breath.
6. Lastly (and this is an embarrassing admission), I am having trouble *ahem* uh, wiping after going to the loo. In other words, my tummy has grown and my ass has grown but my arms have stayed the same length. It's quite a conundrum. I can't seem to reach past my big ol' belly and I can't seem to twist around to reach past my big ol' bum. This is one of those interesting things they never tell you about being pregnant.

I am going crib and changing table shopping with my parents tomorrow. I'm quite excited! It will be great to finally have the nursery complete and ready to go. Not that I want to tempt my little girl to come early; it will just be a relief to feel more prepared.

When I was out for a walk this morning, I saw a mum changing her newborn baby girl on a blanket on the grass at the park. I thought to myself, "I am going to have one of those soon." Amazing. I am so SO excited.

Neato

2008-06-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

My friend L is taking a photography class and she had to complete an assignment today in which she was to take several photos of a subject (me) using different exposures and framing. This one is my favourite.

Yup, It's 4am Again

2008-06-11T04:44:00.000-07:00

I've been up since 3:00 and I can't sleep. I'm sitting here at my computer drinking milk and eating toast. Not a bad way to spend the wee hours of the morning.

I had my regular doctor's appointment yesterday. I saw a locum instead of my usual doctor. I really liked her. She is very calm and zen and that works well for a high-strung personality such as mine. I am happy and relieved to report that everything was fine, great, normal. There is nothing so excellent as a boring doctor's appointment. Here are the highlights:

-My uterus (fundal height) is measuring FOUR WEEKS AHEAD now. You may recall that at my last appointment I was three weeks ahead. I asked the doctor is this was something to be concerned about and she said, "nah, it's not an exact measurement." Whatever that means. But I think we can all agree that baby girl is gonna be a big 'un.

-Maya is much bigger than I thought. The doctor confirmed that she is indeed head-down now. Apparently her head is in my pelvis (although not "engaged" yet, thank goodness) and her bum is all the way up under my ribcage. I was surprised by the fact that she is now taking up my entire belly. I don't know what I thought she was doing before, but I guess it's just amazing to imagine that at 30 weeks, she is already "baby sized". This sounds weird, but I think back to when I was newly pregnant and baby was smaller than a grain of rice... and now she is the size that she is... it seems fantastic and surreal. Keep growing baby girl!

-The doctor had to push and prod my belly to figure out baby girl's positioning. She poked at us pretty hard and I must admit it was a tad uncomfortable having someone with their hand pushed right into my baby belly. Maya must have thought so too because she gave the doctor a karate chop right in the hand. The doctor and I both had a laugh. This was indeed the highlight of the appointment.

I will now have my doctor's appointments every two weeks, instead of monthly. Then, at 36 weeks, I will start going weekly.

Maybe it's because I'm off work now, but time sure seems to be speeding up lately. Here's hoping it keeps going like that until Maya arrives. I am so excited!!

The Ass Crack Of Dawn

2008-06-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

I am getting all too familiar with the AM hours. I can almost pinpoint exactly when that first city bird will start squawking and when the lighting in my bedroom begins to turn from pitch black to charcoal grey. Early morning has become a dear friend to me. I seem to jolt awake just before 4am. I'll lie in bed for about an hour and just enjoy feeling Maya's early morning Jazzercise class. Then, when my hunger gets the better of me, I'll meander downstairs and have breakfast, check my email, and read my blogs. A happy little routine this has become. Of course, my contentment with this new early morning agenda is solely based on the fact that I have the freedom to nap any old time I want, thanks to being off work now. Thank goodness for that, otherwise I'd be a crabby, sleep-deprived wreck.

At some point around 7am-ish, D will wander downstairs and I will make him some breakfast. He'll then shower and get dressed and head off to work. I'll probably go back to bed for a couple of hours before getting up (again) and starting my day. This is how my mornings have been going. Everyone says this is good training for when Maya arrives and I'll need to wake up throughout the night, and I suppose they're right. Based on her activity levels in the womb, I think I may just have a little night owl on my hands!

30 Weeks Today

2008-06-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. 30 weeks. Seems like a big milestone to me.

Here are some random updates on this pregnancy as of the Big 3-0:

Weight Gain: Up about 40 pounds, I'd estimate. Not that I care about my weight really, but my doctor will give me a hard time, I'm sure.

Appetite: Ravenous. All. The. Time.

Cravings: Salt & Vinegar chips, fresh fruit, any delicious thing I see on TV.

Sleeping: A joke. Between the hip pain and the need to pee, I'm up at least 8-10 times a night. And I'm acutely aware that it only gets worse from here on out. Luckily, one of the many perks of being off work now is that I can take a nap any old time I want, and I definitely take advantage of that.

Breast Changes: I don't even recognize them anymore. They're huge and my areolas resemble dark brown pancakes. Quite a far cry from where they started before pregnancy.

Belly Size: Pretty darn big. What do you think?

Digestion: Not bad at all. I do have some reflux/heartburn on occasion but other than that, I feel good. No constipation either.

Braxton Hicks: I still get them all the time. Some days I only get 1 or 2, other days, it's more like 15 or 20. I hate them. They're uncomfortable and they make me worry.

Baby Movement: Maya isn't a big schedule follower. But I have felt her more and more each week as this pregnancy has progressed. I typically feel her move around every hour if I'm paying attention, or every 2-3 hours if I'm not. She is generally fairly quiet during the morning, moves a bit in the afternoon and goes crazy after dinner. If I'm awake in the middle of the night, I feel her gymnastics then too. Also, her movements have changed from kicks and taps to those of the squirmier variety lately. And, as usual, some days are super active and other days are more quiet.

Baby Position: I'm pretty sure she's head-down at this point. I tend to feel movement on the sides of my abdomen and just under my ribs. Plus, sometimes she does this lop-sided thing where my belly sticks out on one side and I swear it's her sweet little bum. But at this point, it's all just a guess.

Baby Purchases: None to date. However, I do plan on buying Maya's crib, changing table, and stroller next weekend (or just shortly thereafter). Plus, I have registered, which was a huge step for me!

Best Gift I've Received So Far: An adorable zebra-striped little newborn bikini. So freakin' cute. (All though D says she's not allowed to wear it out of the house because she doesn't want any of the boy babies making eyes at her.)

Nursery Preparations: All clean and ready for furniture!

Books I'm Reading: What to Expect the First Year, First-Time Parents, The BabyCenter Essential Guide to Your Baby's First Year.

Current Mental State: Really excited, happy, grateful for every day, feeling ready to meet my daughter. At this point, I'm still not the least bit scared of going through labour. I think I've just resigned myself to the fact that it's happening and in the end, I will get to hold Maya in my arms so really, I think I am more excited than nervous. At least at this point. My anxiety is markedly less since I've been off work, which is great. I still do have my moments occasionally (i.e. last night when I found a worm in my corn on the cob...gross!!!) but for the most part I am able to keep many of my worries at bay. Sort of.

How I Plan To Spend the Next 10 Weeks: Relaxing, spending quality time with D, enjoying the quiet times and reading every baby book I can get my hands on. We are SO excited!

This Baby's Got Back: A Chronicling Of My Pregnant Sleeping Challenges

2008-06-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that my hips have really been hurting over the past week or so. They ache and feel like they're out of their sockets. I don't know if this is a product of my joints loosening up in preparation for labour or a side effect of sleeping on my side. I tend to notice it more at night. Anyone else experiencing this?

Speaking of side-sleeping, I've also noticed that lately, I keep waking up on my back. A pregnancy no-no! Despite my Snoogle maternity pillow and the fact that I am not sleeping so soundly these days, I have found myself waking up on my back at least once a night. I've always been confused about this. I mean, I know why back sleeping isn't great for a pregnant woman, but how bad is it, really? Haven't pregnant women been sleeping on their backs for centuries? Isn't this new no-back-sleeping rule relatively new? My mum never heard of it.

Also, at a little over 29 weeks pregnant, I am getting up to pee at least 8-10 times every night, even if I make it a point to restrict my water intake well before bedtime.

I am curious if anyone else is experiencing any of this nighttime fun and if anyone has any tips to make it easier. I have sort of resigned myself to having these restless nights for the rest of my pregnancy, but I would be delighted to hear if anyone has any tricks up their sleeves to make pregnant sleeping a bit easier.

One bonus of not sleeping so well is that I get to be awake and witness baby girl's nightly squirming show, which I love. This kid definitely likes the night life, baby.

Well, I Did It... Sort Of.

2008-06-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

I registered. At least at one place. I wanted to register at two places - one place called Crocodile Baby - a local, very hip, very expensive, modern and organic baby store that I absolutely love. Everything there is just my style. And the other - Babies R Us (natch), simply for accessibility's sake. I am happy to report that my registry at Crocodile Baby is now pretty much complete. And today, I plan on registering at BRU.

Whoa, big step.

If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be registering for my baby's birth, I think I would have laughed in their face while simultaneously trying to pin them down for a big wet kiss (a weird mental picture).

With regard to registering, however, I really doubt I'll get much, if anything from my registries. First off, I really don't have very many friends and secondly, my mum tells me that my extended family is probably going to give us baby clothes, which is a nice gesture but honestly the last thing Maya needs right now. Her wardrobe is already bigger than mine. We'll see what happens, but I'm not expecting much from my registries.

Baby girl's movements are getting so interesting. In addition to the usual kicks and punches that I had been feeling all these weeks, she is now doing these great squirming and stretching movements, which feel amazing. It feels like sweeping elbows and knees, rather than something like an actual kick, per se. Last night at 4am, I just laid awake in awe at the amazing show she was putting on for me. Sometimes I swear I could almost grab a little foot or hand from the outside. I still do get some kicks, but it is so interesting to witness how varied her movements are getting. I feel so lucky. And it never seems to get old; every single movement is like a magical miracle, as corny as that sounds, I just love feeling them so very much.

I have been trying to ascertain Maya's position, as so many of the books and websites say that she may go head-down anytime now. I think she's still small enough to move around quite a bit so I don't know how useful it is for me to figure out her position just yet. And because I feel so many of her movements on the right and left sides of my abdomen (sometimes simultaneously!), I think if anything, she likes to hang out in the transverse position most often.

Last night, I swear I felt a little bum. The cutest little bum in the world.

29 Weeks Yesterday

2008-06-02T07:37:00.001-07:00

Usually I try to make it a point to post a little something every Sunday, when I hit a weekly milestone. However, being on maternity leave has made me even more scatterbrained than usual and I'm afraid I completely lost track of time yesterday. I remembered in the middle of the night, however, when the thought occurred to me suddenly, out of the blue..."I forgot to post!" Oh well, so this post is a wee bit delayed.

So yesterday we arrived at 29 weeks. I celebrated by having a facial. I'd never had one before and it was really, really nice. Although, because of having lie on my side for so long, I was contending with some major hip pain before the end of it.

I was really nervous about going, I must admit. Why? I was afraid they'd use some non-pregnancy friendly products on my skin, despite the fact that I went in there with a list of all the things I did not want to be exposed to. Scary retainoids! Frightening salicylic acid! Cursed essential oils!! When I asked the esthetician beforehand if the products had any of this stuff in there, she kinda looked at me blankly and without even checking, responded, "I'm pretty sure our products will be safe for you." Pretty. Sure. Pretty sure? Pretty sure is usually not good enough for me - at all - but for some reason, this time, this one time, I let go of my need to control and consented. I figured, I am not the first pregnant woman to have a facial. And plus, my skin looks fabulous now and feels oh so soft. Maya kicked me through almost the entire appointment, as if to say, "It's alright mum, I'm fine."

I know this sounds crazy, but having this facial and just letting go and accepting that everything will be okay, was a HUGE step for me.

Other than the facial, I've not been up to anything too exciting these last couple of days. Just the nesting. Serious, breakneck nesting. I am all about the nesting right now.

I'm going to have D take a photo of me today so you can see how big I'm getting. Stay tuned!

Mama Bird

2008-05-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yup, the nesting has begun...with a vengeance.

I awoke this morning at 4am because I was so excited to clean. I have never loved cleaning so much! This is too weird.

The nursery is basically done now, save for some paint touch ups and of course we still need to buy furniture. But it's clean and sparking and all ready to go.

First day of maternity leave. It's a gorgeous sunny day and I have no obligations. Yup, this is living.

I went and saw the premier of Sex and The City last night with a girlfriend. Loved. It. It was such good stuff. I don't know if it's because I'm hormonal or what, but I pretty much sobbed through the entire movie. I can't wait to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

I'm afraid this has been a bit of a random post. This may be my new trend in posting as my thoughts are scattered all over the place lately. I'm brimming with excitement, anticipation, gratitude and I'm so very happy (despite the [usually] minor bouts of anxiety that creep in a few times a day). It's amazing how being suddenly free from work really helps alleviate the lion's share of life's stressors while magnifying the enjoyment. I've only been on maternity leave for oh, something like 15 hours now, but I can already tell I'm going to absolutely love it.

I am so excited for my Real Job to begin!

Fini!

2008-05-30T21:26:00.001-07:00

I am so done. Done with work that is! Officially on maternity leave starting this afternoon.

I am so excited to have some time to rest, relax and nest. I feel the nesting urge coming on strong and I can't wait to rip my house apart and put it back together again.

I am officially a Lady Of Leisure. It really hasn't sunken in yet, but I have a good feeling I'm going to have no problem getting used to this new life.

Must go, couch beckons.

Sunny Day Antics & Reality Sets In

2008-05-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

I guess Maya's eyes are really open now. Yesterday she was having a bit of a quiet day. I did feel her kicking and moving, albeit more infrequently and more lightly than usual. That was, until, I sat on my patio with a book, and proceeded to lift my shirt exposing my belly to the bright sunlight. All of the sudden, she started kicking away. My belly was popping and rolling all around as she put on her show. Amazing.

It struck me yesterday, I mean really struck me, that this kid is coming in somewhere between nine and eleven weeks. Holy! We haven't even bought a crib yet. Or a stroller. Or anything, really. I am suddenly realizing we need to get cracking and get prepared for this baby!

It also struck me yesterday, as I was lying in bed, that I'm going to be a mum very soon. Like, for real. Obviously I've known that for some time, but last night it really sunk in. I am going to be responsible for a baby human. It's a little scary to think about! Luckily, my excitement FAR OUTWEIGHS my fear at this point. But there is definitely some fear. I just want to be a great mum so very much.

So that's where I'm at. 72 hours until maternity leave.

28 Weeks Today

2008-05-25T19:52:00.001-07:00

28 weeks = 7 months!

I am now quite obviously, noticeably pregnant. Strangers are asking me when I'm due. I went to a family gathering today and all my relatives were rubbing my belly, asking about the baby and my pregnancy, and telling me stories of their own children's births. I must admit, there is definitely a part of me that is enjoying this new attention. I've wanted this pregnancy and this baby for so very long and it feels absolutely amazing to finally be here...expecting.

Everyone is so excited for baby girl to be born. Parents, family, friends...and of course, D and me (more than anyone). Maya will be the first grandchild on both sides - in both my family and D's. This little girl is going to be born into so much love and I am so happy for that.

Maya officially has a bigger wardrobe than I do. Between all my mum's baby shopping sprees and all the hand-me-downs people are so kindly giving us, this little girl won't be running out of things to wear anytime soon. I'm going to have to dress her in 10 different outfits a day, just to give her a chance to wear all her clothes before she's too big to fit into them!

It's Sunday night and I'm gearing up for my last week of work before I go on maternity leave. This should be a good week because I have lots to keep me busy and a ton of loose ends to tie up before I go. As excited as I am to go on maternity leave for a whole year (G-d bless Canada), it really hasn't hit me yet that I'm not going to have to go to work every morning. I've never had more than a few weeks off work at any given time since I was 16. It's very, very surreal. Gosh.

Zzzzzzzzzz

2008-05-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

I’m not sleeping so well this week. I find myself waking up at around 1:30 or 2:00am, and I remain wide awake until about 5:30am (one hour before my alarm goes off). There is no one thing that is keeping me up; it seems to be a combination of constantly having to pee, hip pain, Braxton Hicks, restlessness and just generally being uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong – I love being pregnant and wouldn’t trade a minute of this, honestly. But it is really hard to work when I’m feeling this tired. I am really struggling to muster up any semblance of productivity. Thankfully, I only have 4 more working days left to go (after today). Just tomorrow (Friday) and then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday next week. I am so ready for maternity leave. So. Ready.

The good part about being awake in the middle of the night is that I get to witness baby girl’s nighttime baby dance parties. They are hysterical and I love them. And it’s nice to know that at least someone else is wide awake with me.

I am yawning as I type this. It’s going to be a long day.

Article

2008-05-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Well, the article I was interviewed for (remember this post?) came out today. I’m only semi-happy with it. While they kinda got the gist of what I was trying to say, I was totally misquoted. I don’t talk like that! Especially the last sentence where I am quoted as saying, “…and that in another few months, D and I will be a mommy and a daddy.” BARF! That sounds so cheesy and I would never say that in real life. Oh well, c’est la vie.

Here is the article if you want to check it out.

The hard copy version also features a big ol’ colour picture of me alongside the article. It’s a terrible picture; I have no neck and I am sporting a smarmy and condescending expression. Have I learned NOTHING from all my years of watching America's Next Top Model??? I know that most people are critical of the way they look in photos, but no, in this case, it really is a bad photo. This is truly not a modesty thing.

So there ya go, folks! My claim to fame and my personal contribution to Canadian National Infertility Awareness Week! Enjoy!

27 Weeks Today

2008-05-18T17:05:00.001-07:00

27 weeks and finally into my THIRD trimester! Yay!!

I'm feeling fabulous, despite being a tad awkward and lumbering in my new size.

Last week was the first week that total strangers have approached me about my pregnancy. One kind person offered me a seat on the bus and even when I felt bad and said, "oh, that's okay..." she insisted, saying that pregnant women should sit whenever they can. I couldn't say no to that. A second person came up to me at the wedding we attended last night and just said, "When are you due?"

Funny as it may sound, this kind of thing is a huge milestone to me. I feel that it's only been recently that I look "obviously pregnant" and I am really loving it.

Maya has been a busy little girl these days and I've been getting a real kick out of her movements lately (ha ha no pun intended). She is getting big enough now that I can feel some of her smaller movements as well as her kicks and punches and it's been great. Last night she had me giggling because she was doing some sort of weird poking thing with her hands (I think) right up near my ribcage. I have already projected such a silly personality onto her; I wonder if she'll be as silly as I think she is when I get to meet her this August.

Baby girl has also had the hiccups a couple of times and I have to admit, I think her hiccups are the sweetest and cutest thing ever. Totally, totally adorable.

Alright, onto some photos. I haven't had a chance to take any proper pictures of both of my new dresses yet, BUT I did wear one of them to the wedding we went to last night so here are some photos from that. You can't see much of the dress but they're fun pics of me and my hubby anyway...

Super Duper!

2008-05-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am thrilled and relieved to report that I DON'T have gestational diabetes!

I called my doctor this afternoon and my results had just arrived. I don't know what the numbers were, but I was assured that my blood glucose was within normal range and I don't have GD. I honestly didn't think I would pass! Between the PCOS, the "trace" amounts of glucose in my last urine test, my hefty weight gain and my 3-week ahead fundal height, I didn't think I stood a chance of passing. But I am certainly not complaining! What a wonderful surprise!

It was noted, however, that my iron levels were slightly low and I am considered to be a tad anemic. I have been instructed to purchase and take a weekly iron supplement (seems weird to only take it once a week but oh well). Easy enough.

Also, today's shopping expedition was a great success. I found two great dresses, exactly what I wanted, plus a simple skirt. You guys wanna see pictures?

Happy day!

It's Friday. Chores Are Done. I'm Going Shopping.

2008-05-16T08:58:00.001-07:00

I spent all day yesterday cleaning out the nursery and the on-suite bathroom. I am thrilled to report that it is now all empty, save for a glider with ottoman and a toy box. Now, it just needs to be painted (touch ups), thoroughly cleaned and then the furniture. What a load off!

It was really hard work, too. I swear - bending, crouching, cleaning, crawling...it gets more difficult by the day. Last night my back was killing me - a sure sign that I overdid it. Oh well, it's all done now and not a minute too soon!

Today I am going up to 4th Avenue - a street in my city that is known for having tons of maternity and baby stores. D and I are going to a wedding tomorrow and I have NOTHING to wear. I tried on some loose, flowy, stretchy non-maternity dresses earlier this week in hopes that they would make due and honestly, they looked ridiculous. This baby bump is definitely more than just a bump now! So hopefully, I'll find something nice....and maybe some new shoes to match!

What I'd love to find is something that I can use after the wedding too - something loose and lovely and comfortable that can be casual or dressy. I think I'd get a lot of use out of a dress like that. Unfortunately, so many of these dresses have spaghetti straps and if you saw the industrial bra that is holding up the girls right now, you would understand why that is just not an option. I shall report back with my findings poste haste after my shopping adventure!

There is a slim chance that my GD test results will come back today. It's still kinda early, but the lab said it wouldn't hurt to check in today. I am still worried about it and hoping so hard that I am not diabetic. But I'm trying to keep a sunny outlook and if I do indeed have gestational diabetes, well, I am confident that I can manage it. I can and would do absolutely anything for my little daughter.

Happy Friday everyone!

The Latest

2008-05-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

I had my monthly OB/GYN appointment yesterday and all went...OK. It went well, really, nothing terrible happened or anything - and thank G-d for that - but there were three things that kinda bothered me.

First - there was a "trace" of glucose in my urine. Both the nurse and my doctor said this could be normal...or it could be a sign of something. They said not to worry about it for now, but I should go and get my gestational diabetes blood test done asap.

Second - I have gained 11 pounds since last month's appointment. ELEVEN POUNDS. This puts me roughly at a total pregnancy weight gain of 35-40 pounds. While I don't mind packin' em on, my doctor was less than thrilled with me. I have to be really, really careful not to put on too much more weight during this pregnancy. Oh and by the way, I am starting my third trimester on Sunday. This should be interesting.

Third - my fundal height (uterus height) is measuring - get this - THREE WEEKS AHEAD. I am 26.5 weeks and my uterus clocked in at 29 cm.

Each one of these things alone wouldn't bother me much. But all three of them put together *could* point to gestational diabetes, which I really don't want thankyouverymuch. I went to the lab right after my doctor's appointment and did the GD test. (By the way, I didn't think that orange drink was so bad. It was indeed sweet, but not as horrible as I had imagined.) Results should be in within 2-7 days. If anyone can spare a good thought for my test results, I'd really appreciate it.

I honestly don't care about me in this scenario. I don't care what I have to do to keep my little girl healthy. Seriously, I would be more than happy to paint myself purple and eat nothing but broccoli if I thought it would help. I am more worried about Maya. I would hate it if my body somehow put her in harm's way - like subjecting her to birth trauma or lifetime obesity.

Oh well, I guess there's no point in worrying about GD until I find out the results of the test. I'll try to put it out of my mind for now. (Notably, I did end up dreaming about it all night last night.) And the important thing to remember is that even if I do have GD, it's not the end of the world. It's manageable and when it comes to my baby, I am as strong-willed as they come. I would do anything, absolutely anything for this kid.

Other than that, the appointment went very well and was reassuring in all other aspects. Baby girl's heartbeat was a strong 153 and everything else is going swimmingly. I am very, very happy.

Molasses

2008-05-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am so close I can taste it. I am down to a mere 8 days of work after today. However, these remaining 8 days are spread out over the rest of the month; I am using up a couple of vacation days during each of the remaining weeks. Friday May 30th will be my last day of work and I am so excited.

Everyone keeps asking me what I’m going to do with all this time off before the baby comes in August. I can sum that answer up in two words: Chill Out. I plan to sleep, rest, lounge, relax, unwind, loosen up, calm down, and take ‘er easy. Of course, there are some things I do want to get done. Namely, I would like to get my house in ship-shape before Maya arrives – get every closet, drawer and cupboard totally organized because who knows when I’ll have another chance to give my house a thorough cleaning again. And it goes without saying that there are tons of baby-preparation things I’ll need to do as well.

But my main plan is to relax. I have a facial and a mani/pedi booked for the first week I’m officially off, just to get in the groove. This is the time to pamper myself, because without a doubt, I will not have another opportunity for a good long while.

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Yesterday in the mail, I received a Huggies coupon book which donned a front cover reading, “Congratulations! Your baby is now 3 months old!” At first I thought, oops that’s a typo, my baby is 3 months away from being born. And then I realized. This coupon book was meant for the baby I miscarried. The baby who, yes, would have been 3 months old now. Finding this little gem in my mailbox reminded me once again just how truly, incredibly, amazingly lucky I am. Not that I ever, ever forget.

26 Weeks Today

2008-05-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

26 weeks! And my ticker has officially broken the 100-day mark!

Yahoo!!!

D has been taking a belly photo of me every week since we were 8 weeks pregnant. Check these out for comparison:

This is at 8 weeks pregnant:

This is at 16 weeks pregnant:

...And this is from today - 26 weeks pregnant:

Go Maya!

Conversations With Maya & A Mouthful Of Dirt

2008-05-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

After my shower this morning, I laid down in bed for a few minutes rubbing my belly and talking to Maya. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Hello Maya, hellllllooooo!
Maya: [Kick]
Me: Hello little girl, how are you my darling?
Maya: [Kick]
Me: I love you Maya!
Maya: [Kick]
Me: Am I bugging you? Do you want to go back to sleep?
Maya: --Silence--

In other news, the Braxton Hicks contractions have continued. Last night I had 5 of them within about 45 minutes. I debated with D whether or not we should go to the hospital. Instead, I opted to drink a big glass of water and go lie down in bed. I ended up falling asleep but I did have three more BH, randomly, in the middle of the night. I know these things are supposed to be normal, but I gotta tell ya, they sure do make me nervous. I have decided to just keep a close eye on them and if they do ever get regular and consistent, I am heading straight to the hospital.

Speaking of nervous, last night’s dinner took years off my life. D and I decided to order pizza from our regular delivery place. We always get the same thing – half pepperoni and pineapple (for D) and half veggie (for me). Our pizza arrived and being the worrier that I am, I always put my half under the broiler for an additional few minutes *just to make sure it is fully cooked*. I have a really hard time trusting anyone to make my food right. So I re-cooked it, and sat down and had a big ol’ bite. I realized, at that point, I had bitten into a big mouthful of mushrooms – and (bloody hell) DIRT. DIRT!!! I ran to the garbage and spit it out. I was spitting for ten minutes trying to get rid of any and all traces of the dirt. I have no doubt I inadvertently swallowed some, it was unavoidable. And I don't need to remind you that mushrooms grow on shit.

I was beyond furious, arms waving and shouting at D. I wanted to call the pizza place and freak out on them but D wouldn’t let me because he was afraid they would spit on his next pizza. AS IF we are EVER ordering from them again!

I don’t have to tell you that I am the kind of pregnant woman who borders on full-blown insanity. I inspect my food to a ridiculous degree. I wash and re-wash my vegetables. I cook my meats until they are a blackened, crispy char. I have been known, on several occasions, to actually CALL the 1-800 numbers on packages of dairy products to specifically ask if my parmesan cheese is pasteurized. Nothing passes these lips without a full work-up and complete breakdown. And I just ate a mouthful of dirt. DIRT!!!

I really hope I didn’t just infect myself or Maya with some hideous disease or virus. Dirt fer fuck’s sake! Dirt. Good lord.

Braxton Hicks? Worried. [Updated]

2008-05-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago, I noticed, for a moment, a weird painless tightening come over my uterus. At first I thought it was baby girl moving around – maybe backing up to the outside of my belly. When I noticed it again last night, it dawned on me that more likely what I was experiencing was a Braxton Hicks contraction. I have had them a few times since.

I am a little freaked out about this because I am only 25 weeks. I certainly don’t want my body to be having “practice contractions” this early. No thank you. Dr. Google assures me that it is normal to feel Braxton Hicks this early but I’m not convinced. I have already placed a call to my doctor and hopefully she will call me back with some good news sometime this millennium. Even if BH are indeed considered normal this early, I am still a bit nervous about their effect on my already short cervix.

To add to my anxiety, Maya had a really quiet day yesterday. I did feel her a bit, but certainly it was a lot less action than what I had been feeling. Hopefully she’s just turned inward, or maybe she’s just having a growth-spurt day. But either way, I do not like these quiet days one bit. No, not one bit. I did end up using the Doppler last night and thank G-d, her heartbeat was nice and clear and strong in the 140-150 range.

So this is my week so far. Feeling a little on edge. Stress at work is not helping.

Sorry for the malcontented post. *Sigh*

[Update: Okay so I lost patience waiting for my doctor to call so I called the office again. Spoke to the receptionist who said that Dr. R did get my message and does plan to call me at the end of the day when she's through with her patients. However, in the meantime, she told the receptionist to tell me not to worry about the Braxton Hicks unless they become more regular or more intense. (Which they haven't.) If that doesn't happen, all is fine. Yay! And phew!

Also, Maya has been considerably more active today, which has been a huge relief to me. Still not as active as other days she's had (so far) but I'll take it.

So bottom line: I have officially taken a chill pill and gotten over myself.]

25 Weeks Today

2008-05-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was 9 or 10 weeks pregnant...looking at my calendar at the 25 week mark and thinking, "Wow, that seems so far away." Now here I am at 25 weeks today, and I still feel like I have so much further to go! According to this website, I have completed 61% of my pregnancy, and I have 39% left to go. August still feels so far away. My pregnancy seems to be zipping by at light speed to everyone but me. I know I shouldn't be wishing this time away, I truly do savour every second of this pregnancy, but I am so incredibly excited to meet my little girl and hold her...I just want August to hurry up and get here!

Ah, impatient me.

I went to see Baby Mama with my friend L yesterday. Despite the fact that it was totally inaccurate with regard to all things reproductive (a big pet peeve of mine), it was actually pretty funny and cute. I'm not saying that everyone should rush out and see it, it's certainly one that can wait for DVD. But it was good for some laughs and I enjoyed it. We then went back over to L's place, watched some Sex & The City, and gorged ourselves on take-out Indian food. A lovely Saturday all around!

Maya was going crazy yesterday. She kicked me lots during the movie and even more after the Indian food dinner. I don't know if that means she liked it or hated it. It was spicy. Maybe that's what got her going.

I have resigned myself to the notion that baby girl doesn't really have a pattern, and may never develop one. I'm OK with that, so long as she keeps kicking me several times a day. I have a friend who is about a week ahead of me in her pregnancy and she says her little boy kicks her "all the time". And by that, she means every hour like clockwork. My little one isn't so predictable. At first, it bothered me, but I'm not so worried about it anymore.

I tend to lack the gift of hindsight and focus too much on the moment I'm experiencing. If Maya's having a quiet afternoon, it's total agony for me; it's easy for me to forget the fact that she kicked me all morning. It's hard to see the forest for the trees.

When I'm really honest with myself and I look back on these last few weeks, Maya's progress has been awesome:

Week 18 - random, infrequent movement, maybe 2-3 times a week
Week 19 - more taps and flutters, 2-3 times a week - and this was the first week I felt movement from the outside
Week 20 - flutters and kicks, 3-4 times a week - and this was the first week that D felt a kick from the outside
Week 21 - some quiet days, some really busy days where I'd feel her several times a day
Week 22 - some quiet days, some active days
Week 23 - some quiet days, some active days - this was the first week I felt her at least once a day
Week 24 - movement and kicking at least 3-4 times a day, and by the end of the week more like 5-6 times a day. This was the first week that D saw a big kick from the outside.

Keep it up baby girl! She's kicking me now as I type this. I love you so much little one!!

Pot Of Gold

2008-05-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday, and thank goodness for that. Another work week bites the dust. After today I will have 15 work days left to contend with (note that I don’t count weekends, holidays or the vacation days I’ll be taking). 15 days of having to get up at the ass crack of dawn and drag my tired, weary bones into the office for 9 hours of good times. It’s truly amazing that I haven’t accidently fallen asleep at my desk yet.

Maya gave me a bit of anxiety yesterday because she was being so agonizingly quiet. Usually I can feel a kick or two in the morning when I’m waking up, but yesterday – nothing. I thought if I ate some breakfast that would get her going but nope, still quiet. When I got to work, I did feel a couple of light kicks early on but then nothing for the rest of the work day. By 5pm I had worked myself into quite a lather with all those horrible thoughts swimming around in my head.

Thankfully, when I got home and got settled, she did finally start kicking. And last night I woke up at 2:30am and discovered she was kicking me then too. This morning when the alarm went off, she gave me a couple of reassuring kicks and even kicked me again about 20 minutes ago.

I know all the books say that the kicking and movement should get more and more frequent as the days pass. I don’t find this to be the case with my baby. Maya seems to have a couple of really good kicking days, then a couple of quiet days. So far, it has been like that, with no pattern, rhyme or reason. I’ve checked her heartbeat a few times on her quiet days and (thank G-d) it’s totally normal.

I wonder if she’s having growth spurts during those quiet days?

Here’s hoping I get more kicks today than I did yesterday. Every time I feel her move, it is truly pure magic to me. When I don’t feel her for awhile, I really do get sad about it. I pout and mope around, it’s such torture for me. Hopefully her quiet days will happen less and less and less as we get further along in this pregnancy.

What a relief it will be when this baby girl is born, healthy and strong, in August. I absolutely love being pregnant, honestly I really do, but what I really want is the baby girl at the end of this pregnancy. Pregnancy is so amazing and wonderful, but in a way it feels like a kind of limbo leading up to the Big Prize. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That’s what I’m really excited for. That’s what all this is about.

C’mon August 2008, hurry up and get here.

"Hilary Homemaker"

2008-04-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

So last night, D and I were hanging out on the couch watching TV. Maya was kicking up a storm (or maybe she was punching? I can’t really tell yet…). At one point I lifted up my shirt and pointed out an area on my belly and said, “Honey – watch this spot right here”. D and I both stared at the spot intently. After about 10 seconds passed, we were starting to give up when all of the sudden – POP! – my belly jumped! D got this huge grin on his face and said, “I saw that!!” He was so excited. I’ve been watching my belly twitch and jump for a couple of weeks now, but this was the first time that D was able to see it. To see D so excited and happy made my day, week, month…

Baby girl had a couple of quiet days earlier in the week (which were total agony for me), but thank goodness she has been active again lately, which I just love. Keep it up, Maya!!

I am in total countdown mode to maternity leave. I have 4 weeks to go (after this week) but next week is my last “full” week. I am using some banked vacation time to take a couple of days off during each of the remaining 3 weeks. Maternity leave in Canada is a full year, and I feel so lucky to live here. But I feel even luckier to be having this baby girl - seriously, somebody pinch me!

I plan to be Little Miss Happy Homemaker once I'm on maternity leave. My job will be to take care of the house, the cooking, the cleaning and of course – the baby.

I think it’s time to buy an apron.

24 Weeks Today

2008-04-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

24 Weeks = 6 Months! Hooray!!

I am starting to get bigger by the minute. To think that not that long ago I was complaining that I didn't think I looked pregnant. Well now, there's no hiding it. And everyone tells me the belly size increase takes off exponentially from here.

Last night D and I went to our friends' place - L and S's - for dinner and a video. While I was sitting on the couch, L looked over at me and exclaimed, "Wow Hilary, you are looking SO pregnant!". I love that people are starting to say that kind of thing, I must confess. Being visibly, noticeably preggers makes me feel really beautiful, despite the acne, gas, bloating, heartburn.....but I digress.

Baby girl's movements have been a lot more frequent lately and I love it. She still has no real pattern, but over the last week I have been lucky enough to feel her at least 3-4 times a day and usually even more than that. Additionally, I am becoming more keenly aware of what I'm feeling - what is actually baby movement and what is something else (gas, twinges, etc.). Every morning I wake up excited to feel more of those gorgeous movements.

Here's some exciting news: On Friday I was contacted by the National Post (it's a large Canadian newspaper) and asked if I would be willing to be interviewed with regard to my experiences with infertility and IVF for an article they're doing in May. They got my information from Dr. T. I am super excited and flattered to be thought of. I am very passionate about raising awareness about infertility (plus, I love to talk people's ears off about the subject) and I feel really honoured to have been asked to do this. More info on this to come as the details roll in!

Understanding Her

2008-04-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well, since my baby girl doesn’t seem to like being at all predictable, in response to my last post, she’s definitely been more active. I hope I’m not jinxing anything by saying this, but indeed her movements and kicks have become more constant over the last few days. I am in seventh heaven when she kicks. Nothing makes me smile more.

As it stands now, it seems like she puts on a little show every 2-3 hours or so. Her movements don’t seem to be in response to food; rather, I tend to notice movement when I’ve settled, either sitting or lying down comfortably, after I’ve been walking around and busy. The lack of MY movement seems to get her going. I can’t confirm this pattern yet, but I am paying close attention.

I’ve also noticed that she tends to “sleep in” in the mornings. I usually don’t notice much activity before early afternoon. Of course, it’s about 10am right now and I am feeling little flutters as I type this. Oh my little girl really doesn’t want her mummy to catch on to her mysterious ways. No complaints out of me though – the more movements the better!

My husband told me this morning that, for the first time in our relationship, I snored in my sleep last night. Actually, he eloquently stated that it sounded as if “someone was subduing a wild boar”. Thanks, honey. (For the record, he sounds like a chainsaw when he sleeps, so there!)

Quiet Again...And Then...

2008-04-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

Baby girl has gone quiet again over the last two days. I swear these quiet days are absolute agony for me. I even had to bust out the ol’ Doppler this morning just to put my mind at ease (and thank goodness, everything is fine).

I just don’t get it. It seems like she was more active over the last two weeks than she has been this week. Am I being crazy? Is 23 weeks too early to expect frequent movement?

Thankfully, I have felt her at least once every day, even on her quiet days. But her movements have indeed been softer and less “kicky”. What could she be up to in there?

I am so curious about other people’s experiences, I am posting a poll. Please see the top right corner of this blog.

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In other news, over the last two days, I have really “blossomed”. Hehe this is a nice way of saying my belly has gotten HUGE. I don’t know when exactly it happened, but I woke up yesterday feeling big and after I got dressed and checked myself out, I discovered the mirror was definitely agreeing with this sentiment. All of the sudden, I am shaped like a big ol’ pregnant pear. A big pear with big boobs. And a fat ass. OK, maybe I’m shaped more like a “B”. Yeah, that’s more accurate.

Oops! Maya just kicked me. Hooray! It’s almost like she can sense that I’m writing this post and had to let me know she is just fine in there. Another kick! There she goes again!

I think I’m really starting to get a feel for baby girl’s personality now... She really likes to keep ‘em guessing. That’s my girl.

Kickity Kick

2008-04-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

23 weeks and baby girl’s movements are starting to get more regular. She definitely still has her quiet days (which are agony for me) but in general, I think I can safely say I am feeling her more often and the movements are getting stronger. She was super active on Friday and Saturday – then she went quiet on Sunday. Now today (Monday), she is a busy bee again and I LOVE it.

Lately I have been feeling like my stomach is a bottomless pit, reminiscent of the first trimester. And the need to eat feels so urgent. I really am trying to show some restraint, as per my doctor’s orders, but I am finding it difficult. I am just loving food so much right now. I’ve already gained a grand total of 16 pounds and my doctor says 30 is the max for me. Honestly, I am not one of those women that care about the numbers on the scale – really, as long as Maya and I are healthy. But I don’t want to put myself at greater risk for gestational diabetes so I truly am trying to behave myself.

Speaking of stomachs, mine is definitely getting bigger, but I am not *quite* at the point where I look “obviously pregnant” to strangers. This bugs me. Those that know me can easily see the change in my belly and to them, it’s obvious; but to everyone else, I think I just look chubby. I am very excited for the day that a complete stranger approaches me and mentions something about my being pregnant. Right now, I don’t think anyone would dare.

Everyone keep asking me if I’m having any cravings, but I’ve had no pregnancy cravings really so far. I will say, however, that I do love those little mini-oranges called Clementines. Those puppies are crazy de-lish. Other than that, my “cravings” generally consist of whatever delicious food is in front of me at the moment.

I always heard that the second trimester was the “glowing” trimester. Some even refer to it as the “Honeymoon” trimester. But I gotta tell ya, I have been more tired, more hormonal, more achy, more gassy and more bloated during this trimester than I was during the first. Plus, my face is quite reminiscent of a pizza right now, and I normally have fairly cooperative skin. The third trimester should be interesting. But all sarcasm aside, I can’t wait!

Despite all these silly annoyances, I absolutely LOVE being pregnant. I just adore it. I honestly wouldn’t care if I turned purple and grew antlers, just feeling this beautiful life growing inside me is soooo worth it. Without a doubt, pregnancy is everything I hoped it would be and so much more. It has permanently altered my perspective and my reality. I’ve never been involved in anything so important, meaningful or fulfilling. I lack the words to describe how this feels. I am a different person now. I’m a mum.

23 Weeks Today

2008-04-20T21:01:00.001-07:00

23 is my lucky number :)

Wet Dreams

2008-04-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

I was awoken this morning by some serious kicking! At first, I incorporated the sensation into my dreams. But a few minutes into it, I woke up realizing what was happening. The kicks were higher than I’m used to – above my belly button this time. Let me tell you, there is nothing more magical and wonderful than being woken up by little kicks. You know it’s going to be a good day.

Maya’s movements still have no rhyme or reason yet. At nearly 23 weeks, I’m not sure what kind of regularity I should expect at this point. She has her quiet days and her busy days. Sometimes I feel nice (relatively) hard kicks and other times I feel really light taps and twitches. Sometimes I feel her barely once a day and sometimes I feel her 2-4 times a day for 10 minutes at a time. Is this normal? When will her movements get more “regular”? I would sincerely appreciate any comments and insight about this.

I also discovered this morning that I had “leaked” again. Not nearly as much as the other day, but still noticeable. I think I’ve all but convinced myself that I am pissing my pants in my sleep. I honestly don’t know how this could be possible because I wake up, like, at least 8 times every night to pee. (Oro – to answer your question, I am shamefully lax at doing my Kegels – I hate them. Perhaps this might be a contributing factor?)

In my defense, I don’t think I’m actively pissing in my pants – I think it’s more like maybe it doesn’t completely stop trickling out in small amounts even after I think I’m done.

Wow, this is an embarrassing confession to type to all of cyberspace.

Hello, my name is Hilary and I’m a bed wetter.

In any regard, none of this can be confirmed quite yet – more observational testing needs to be conducted before a final theorem on “The Night Pissing Epidemic” can be formed.

In other news, it’s Friday! This week has gone by relatively quickly because I’ve been sick with this stupid head cold most of the week and haven’t been going in to work. But I finally feel like I’m on the mend now – just in time for the weekend!

There's Nothing Like Spending The Day At The Hospital

2008-04-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning at 2am because I had to pee - only to discover that I had SOAKED the boxer shorts I was wearing. My first thoughts: Did I pee myself? Is this sweat?? WTF??? I changed out of the wet shorts and into fresh dry ones and went back to bed. When I woke up again at 7am I discovered that I had also drenched the new shorts. Sudden panic. Was this (gasp!) amniotic fluid?

I called my doctor's office when they opened at 9am. I told them what had happened. They advised me to immediately go to the hospital. The possibility of what could be happening was becoming all too real and terrifying. When I arrived at the hospital, I was met by a lady with a wheelchair. The wheelchair was my ride. They also had me don one of those plastic hospital bracelets. At that point, I just started balling. When you're sitting in a wheelchair wearing a plastic hospital bracelet, it's hard not to let the "what ifs" take over your brain.

I was told to change into a hospital gown and was promptly hooked up to all kinds of monitors and fetal stress testing stuff whilst they readied my paperwork and prepared the exam room. Baby girl seemed to be doing just fine - she had a normal heart rate and I could feel her kicking and moving all around. Then they took some measurements - all normal.

From there, I was the sent into the exam room where a doctor basically gave me a pap to see if she could find any traces of amniotic fluid. While they processed the swab results, I went back to the first room and was told to lie down. It didn't take long - only about 5 minutes - until the doctor came in. She said that everything looked great, and there was absolutely no trace of amniotic fluid to be found. In other words, she had no idea why I soaked my shorts last night.

Just to be extra sure, I was also sent for a detailed ultrasound to check amniotic fluid levels. I had to wait for nearly two hours for this ultrasound, and while I was sitting in the hospital room waiting, I realized that I hadn't eaten since the night before. In all the excitement, I forgot to eat breakfast and it was now past 2pm. I suddenly felt sick and faint, like I was going to pass out. I stumbled out into the hallway and found a nurse and begged her for something...a cracker, a cookie, anything. I offered to pay. She was grumpy, but did say, "I'll see what I can do". About 20 minutes later, I was presented with a tray of hospital food which consisted of a cold hamburger, a cold cup of soup, two room temperature containers of milk and a package of saltines. I couldn't bring myself to touch the nasty hamburger, but I scarfed up the rest of the food in about 10 seconds flat. Thank you, grumpy nurse, from the bottom of my heart.

About 30 minutes after that, I was finally brought in (again, by wheelchair) for the ultrasound. Baby girl looked great. HOORAY!! Amniotic fluid levels totally normal and at the 75th percentile. HOORAY!! Baby girl measured right on target at 22w3d (which is exactly what I am today). HOORAY!! Maya was even showing off, doing some serious gymnastics with feet above her head and all that. The sonographer said that everything looked "awesome". HOORAY!! And THANK G-D.

And guess what else? My cervix is still holding strong at 3.2cm - the same length it was at 14 weeks. This tells me that this cervical length, while on the short end of acceptable, is just normal for me. I have short fingers too. The fact that it hasn't gotten any shorter is freakin' fantastic news as far as I'm concerned. The doctor told me today that based on this information, she thinks I am in no way at risk for PTL. No more than the average Jane, at least. HOORAY!!

After the ultrasound, I got wheelchaired back into my hospital room. I was told to change into my clothes and the doctor would come and talk to me about the results. This took another 45 minutes, and when the doctor finally came in, she basically said everything was totally fine, no need to worry, and that I could be discharged and go home. Sweet, sweet relief.

So what caused my nocturnal pajama soaking? Cause undetermined. Could be a by-product of this nasty head cold I've been fighting, or perhaps a big ol' sweatfest that my body produced to try to stave off a possible fever. Whatever it is, it's NOT amniotic fluid and I am so grateful for that.

It's about 7pm and I just got home about an hour ago. And that, my dear friends, is how I spent MY day.

Today's Appointment...

2008-04-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

...went great!

I had my monthly OB/GYN appointment this afternoon and all went well. I talked to my doctor about a few concerns and questions I had - especially about my cervix. As you may recall, they had forgotten to measure my cervix on the last ultrasound (the "big" ultrasound) that I had a few weeks ago and so I was wondering if I should go for another cervical scan. My doctor thinks that at this point, it will be fine to just check my cervix manually at my regular monthly appointments from here on out. And she checked my cervix today and said that it was "good" - long and closed and hard. Yay!

She also said that while she never tells her patients they can relax completely until after a successful birth, I can breathe a small sigh of relief once we get to 24 weeks as she said the majority of incompetent cervix problems become evident before this time. She then went on to say that I have an over 90% chance of having a full-term baby at this point. Of course I would have appreciated something more along the lines of 100%, I do like those odds and I really hope that "less than 10%" truly doesn't amount to anything more than a statistic. Interestingly, she also said that after 32 weeks, we can breathe a bigger sigh of relief as the fetal morbidity rate after 32 weeks is the same as that of full-term babies. So in other words, once we make it to that point, if the baby is born it will have the same health outcomes as a baby born at 40 weeks.

This was the first appointment that Dr. R measured my fundal height (the size of my uterus). I was totally concerned about measuring small (I just feel small!) but much to my surprise, my little Maya is hanging out in her own personal mansion. I am 22 weeks and my uterus measured 24cm - or 24 weeks! This made me happy. Of course anywhere between 19cm and 25cm would have been considered normal.

I stayed home from work today because I've come down with a nasty head cold. I asked my doctor about this too and she said it definitely won't affect the baby. Thank goodness for that.

All in all a great appointment and once again, my fears and concerns were put to rest - at least for today. Oh yeah, and PS - I gained ELEVEN pounds in the last 4 weeks. Yikes! Doctor says to lay off the Haagen Dazs...

22 Weeks Today

2008-04-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

Twenty-two! Yippee!!! Only 18 or so more to go :)

This weekend has been busy, and also a little bit stressful because after Maya's busy busy week, she was almost completely not active at all over the past two days. Despite the fact that I kept telling myself that maybe she's turned inward, or that perhaps she's just chillin' out for a bit, or going through a growth spurt, I couldn't help but wonder if she was OK in there. I felt the need to use the Doppler at least a couple of times this weekend, just to check in; and thank goodness, all is just fine. And this evening, I've felt her a little bit more, but she's still not being as active as she was last week.

It's funny - my worries about when I would start feeling her movements have been replaced with worries about the consistency of her movements. I guess I just need to accept the fact that there is no rhyme or reason to when babies like to party, and I'll just keep looking forward to those times when she goes crazy. I love it when she goes crazy.

I spent all day Saturday with my mum. It was a gorgeous sunny day and we went for a long walk and ended up at Baby Gap. Do they ever have some cute stuff for girls right now. My mum couldn't resist Baby Gap's sweet allure and she ended up buying Maya a cute little outfit. My little daughter is already so spoiled.

Today I went to Babies R Us with my friend L. L wanted to buy a crib comforter set and I just went along for the ride. It was fun (and a bit overwhelming!) to look at all the stuff we'll need to be buying in the next few months. I'm glad I have L to give me the real lowdown on baby purchases. There is so much stuff out there and I am having a hard time figuring out what is really necessary and what we can probably do without. I'm definitely taking her with me when I register. I didn't buy much - just a few packs of child-sized clothes hangers...to accommodate for Maya's ever-growing wardrobe!

So now it's Sunday night and we'll be headed off to bed soon. Here's hoping Maya spoils me with some more kicks tomorrow!

Happy Friday

2008-04-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

This week has been a milestone of sorts, in that this is the first week I’ve felt baby girl move at least a little bit every day. I don’t think her movements could be considered “kicks” yet; they feel more like strong muscle spasms to me. I REALLY love feeling her move, I just can’t seem to get enough of it. And because of this increased activity, I am using the Doppler less and less, which is a good thing I think. At this point, my poor little girl has certainly been subjected to her fair share of ultrasound.

D has felt her move twice so far. This is becoming so real for both of us. We are both so excited for this kid.

I don’t think I’ve remembered to mention yet that we’ve finally resolved the dispute we were having about Maya’s middle name. We have decided to name her after our fabulous RE who got us pregnant. Our doctor’s name is Dr. Taylor (she has been referred to as Dr. T thus far in this blog). So, Maya will be “Maya Taylor”. I love this. I really wanted Maya’s middle name to have a special meaning, and to me, it doesn’t get any more special than this. This is the best way I could think of to thank and honour the person who finally got us pregnant. It feels like the least we could do. I am very happy with our decision.

Mum is coming over tomorrow with “an enormous bag of baby clothes,” as she says. I guess I’m going to have to break down and finally buy something for the nursery: Some child-sized hangers so we can put away Maya’s giant new wardrobe! Speaking of wardrobe – have you seen these? And these? Good Lord.

I’m glad it’s Friday. Another work week bites the dust. Only 7 more weeks until I go on maternity leave…FOREVER!

How Can I Say Thank You?

2008-04-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have recently been informed of a friend’s tragic miscarriage. She has been “trying” for as long as I had, and we’ve bonded throughout the process.

When I found out she was pregnant, I was so excited. But the news of late is not good, and unfortunately she wasn't able to keep the pregnancy. My heart just breaks for her. This is a pain I remember all too freshly, and she really does not deserve to go through this.

Her story has been a huge reality check for me. Of course, I realize how lucky I am to be pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy and this baby; it underscores everything I do, think, feel and say every second of every single day. To say I’m grateful is a serious understatement.

But actions speak louder than words. And every time I worry, fret and stress about the details of this pregnancy, in a way, I feel like it’s an insult to all those who are trying desperately to conceive, struggling with infertility, coping with a miscarriage, etc. If I’m not ecstatically happy and excited during every single minute of this pregnancy, in a sense, it’s an affront to everyone out there who would give anything to get to experience this amazing gift that I am so.incredibly.lucky to be experiencing.

Granted, there are a lot of worries that come along with pregnancy. No one can deny that. But if I don’t try to keep a balance going, then it’s almost like I’m not being appreciative of everything I’ve been blessed with. I never want to take a single second of this magic for granted.

Certainly, every day gets a bit easier. The more I feel Maya moving and the further along I get, the less anxiety I tend to have in general. But somehow, I always seem to find something. Whether my worries are insignificant or justified, I never truly let myself be completely 100% happy. I guess there is some superstitious part of me that is afraid I’m going to jinx myself.

So how can I say thank you? How can I begin to be worthy of this gift of all gifts? By having a little more faith, a little more confidence, a little more trust, in this miracle. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I think it’s time to start acting like it.

Like Sleeping In A Hug

2008-04-08T09:54:00.001-07:00

I ordered the Snoogle maternity pillow a week ago and it finally arrived yesterday. I took her for a test drive last night and WOW – what a difference. After weeks of having mediocre sleep, I finally got a good night’s rest. (Of course I did get up about 5 times to pee, but that’s not the pillow’s fault.) The Snoogle is like sleeping in a hug. If you’re having trouble getting comfortable in bed, I can’t recommend this pillow enough. And PS- it doubles as a nursing pillow!

For those of you unfamiliar, this is what I’m talking about:

Being officially over half-way through this pregnancy has certainly afforded me a new perspective. Granted, I’m still superstitious as hell and my anxiety still plagues me every day, but I’m starting to dare to envision that I just might come out of this pregnancy with a real.live.baby. A daughter. This summer.

D and I talk about baby girl and our plans for her every day. Last night we discussed how we’d tuck her in at night and what bedtime stories we would read to her. We talked about Saturday morning cartoons, raising our daughter to be confident, and Halloween costumes. Slowly but surely, everything is becoming more…real.

Every hope and dream, want and need, prayer and wish, I’ve ever had in my life comes down to this baby being born healthy, strong, perfect and full-term, this August 2008.

Viva La Maya!

21 Weeks Today

2008-04-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

To celebrate the 21-week mark, Maya has been extra active today. I've felt her at least a handful of times every few hours. I LOVE IT. I have never experienced anything more magical or transcendent than feeling my baby, busy and kicking, in my belly. I just love her so much already.

She even let D feel her from the outside again today. This time through clothing, so her movements are getting stronger, I think.

Like my little daughter, I also had a busy day. I went to acupuncture this morning - which was much needed - and had a great session. Baby girl seemed to like it too; she started moving all around from the moment we sat down in the waiting area. After that, I met with our soon-to-be childbirthing class instructor (classes will start in June). She suggested that I pick up a couple of books from her to start preparing for classes. We have decided to have private classes at our home, because D's schedule is way too crazy for him to be able to attend a standard, regimented class. Fine with me. I think D and I will both benefit from the individualized attention. We will be taking the Birthing From Within childbirth series - more on that later when class dates loom closer.

When I got home, I found our friends L and S and their brand new baby boy hanging out with D at our place. What a wonderful surprise. We had a lovely visit with them, and after they left, D and I settled into the final DVD of our brand new Firefly box set (we do enjoy our Sci-Fi!). Baby girl kept busy the whole time.

A very good Sunday indeed.

Tap Tap Sleep

2008-04-04T14:47:00.000-07:00

This is the first week where I’ve felt baby girl move at least once every day. I’m still not feeling kicks (at least I don’t think I am); what I’m feeling is more akin to 'taps'. Tap tap tap. It feels like someone lightly flicking the underside of a water balloon. To date, I’ve felt her three times from the outside. I have to be quick though – she is a crafty little thing and prefers to remain unpredictable – I think she likes to keep ‘em guessing. That’s my girl.

I have been trying to figure out her activity schedule pattern – or at least some rough semblance of one. It’s still early, but what I have been able to figure out is that generally speaking (and I do mean generally), she tends to be most active between dinner and bedtime. This seems to baby girl’s party time. If I’m lucky, I’ll also feel her a handful of times throughout the rest of the day, although her movements are sporadic and random to say the least. I still haven’t felt her move while I’ve been asleep.

Over the last two days, she has been quieter than she was earlier in the week. I have felt her tiny taps here and there, but as mentioned above, she refuses to be predictable. I think she sensed that her mummy was starting to figure her out, and changed things up accordingly, to keep the mystery alive.

I am really looking forward to some nice, hard, full-blown kicks and punches.

Definitely TMI - Anyone Had This?

2008-04-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting at my desk at work this morning, when I got that "feeling" that I had to run to the loo to do number two...

As soon as I stood up and started walking toward the washroom, I felt a RIPPING, STABBING, SEARING pain of considerable intensity sweep over my entire lower abdomen. It really hurt! I almost had to catch my breath! The pain lasted for about 30 seconds in total, and then subsided completely.

I called my doctor's immediately because at that point I was thinking I was going to head straight for the hospital. My doctor wasn't available so the receptionist said she'd get her to give me a call. When I finally couldn't take the waiting anymore, ducked out of work, went home and checked the baby with the Doppler. Thank G-d all was well - baby's heart rate was about 155.

I haven't felt that pain again at all since it happened. Once I was able to shake the panic, I've felt totally fine, totally normal.

I think what I was feeling had something to do with my intestines - perhaps related to *clears throat* number two. Has anyone experienced this? Should I just chalk this up to one of the many mystery aches and pains that come along with being pregnant?

Unsettling Dreams

2008-04-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed that I kept forgetting my baby in random places. I'd find myself at, say, the grocery store and suddenly come to the startling realization that I forgot my baby daughter - unattended - at home. So I'd rush home, get her, and bring her to the grocery store, only to head home again and realize that I left her at the store!

I woke up in a cold, panicked sweat. I think subconsciously I'm a little daunted by this whole prospect of being a mother. I really, really, REALLY want to be a great mum. I am confident to a degree, but obviously there is a little part of me that is kinda nervous!

Belly Pic - 5 Months Pregnant

2008-04-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

20 Weeks Today [Updated]

2008-03-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

With luck and G-d willing, today marks the half-way point in this pregnancy.

Half-way there! Yahooooooo!!

I am counting the seconds until I get to meet my daughter. Here's hoping the last 20 weeks go a lot faster than the first 20 weeks!

[Update: So shortly after I wrote this post, D and I headed to bed. On my dad's suggestion, I thought I'd try playing some music to my belly to see if I could get the baby to kick. I loaded up my iPod with a bunch of mellow Beatles songs and sitting in bed last night, I pressed the headphones to my belly. It took about two minutes and then I felt her kick! I told D to put his hand on my belly and sure enough, he felt her kick too, for the first time! It was so magical I almost cried. My husband's first real connection to his daughter.

And can you guess which Beatles song got our little girl kicking? "Something In The Way She Moves"... Appropriate, no?]

Worth Every Penny

2008-03-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

My mum called yesterday to excitedly tell me that she went out and bought "the cutest baby girl outfit you've ever seen." Between my parents and D's, I have a feeling this little girl is going to be very, very spoiled. Speaking of outfits, there is a great collection at Cafe Press for babies conceived through IVF and other forms of ART. Check out what I ordered yesterday (I couldn't resist):

I'm so glad you all like the name we chose. Everyone we've told has seemed to like it (or they're just being polite - but either way who cares). Unfortunately, the battle surrounding the middle name continues. D and I simply cannot agree. I want it to be a symbolic name, representing a family member or someone (or something) important to us; and D, I think, is going for more of a nice sounding name. It truly is becoming The Big Baby Name Debate of 2008.

Lastly, our little girl's kicks and movements (still just flutters at this point) have become s-l-o-w-l-y more frequent but I still can't seem to sense a pattern yet. She was totally quiet for past two days until last night - we were watching a movie and she went crazy. For the second time ever, I got to feel her from the outside. While I'm truly grateful for any movement at all, I'm jealous of those who are getting routinely kicked and punched on a steady basis. I know every baby is different, but I can't help but wonder when we'll get there. Still so many milestones to look forward to!

Reeling

2008-03-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

I haven’t touched the ground in almost 24 hours. D and I are both SO HAPPY to be having a baby girl. It’s weird actually, I really thought in my heart that Scrappy was a boy. And now that we know she’s a girl, I can’t imagine it any other way.

It’s still hitting me in waves. Finding out this amazing news has made this experience feel so much more real. It’s really happening! I’m going to have a daughter! A DAUGHTER!! I am literally seeing pink.

D is thrilled too. I think he was a bit shocked at first but now that the reality is setting in, we’re both getting more and more excited by the minute. When D was leaving for work this morning, he rubbed my belly and said “Bye my little girl! Have a good day!” So sweet.

We can’t stop talking about her, dreaming about her, thinking about her and planning for her arrival.

We have already decided that:
-She will never date (no guy will ever be good enough for her I’m afraid)
-She will never wear makeup
-She will never wear dangling earrings, or have her ears pierced for that matter
-She will never stay out past 7pm

Thinking about this baby as a girl just makes me want to protect her.

Also, last night, we made a firm decision on a name. I am really happy with it. I haven’t decided it I’m ready to share it with the world yet… Well, OK, maybe just with you guys…

Our daughter will be Maya.

Just Got A Call From My Doctor's Office...

2008-03-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

And if you can't tell from my new blog design...

We're having a GIRL!!!

I am so happy, so thrilled, so excited, words cannot express...

I'm going to have a daughter. My daughter.

My baby girl.

How Cute Is This???

2008-03-26T09:00:00.001-07:00

Baby is sucking his/her thumb in the first picture. The profile in the second picture looks amazingly like my husband (guess we can rule out the mailman!). Lastly, I give you Skeletor Baby. I just adore this kid!!

*So hey, listen...
I didn't want to ruin the scan by blocking out my name with pen, and I couldn't figure out how to do it on the electronic version (I don't think I have the software)...So if there are any creepy internet freaks out there who are thinking of stalking me...please don't. I'm really not very intersting. Thaaaanks.

A Sigh Of Relief...And We're Having A Girl? Maybe??

2008-03-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

Sweet relief!!!

Today's ultrasound went great. Unfortunately we had quite an unfriendly technician - a Chinese lady with broken English who was definitely NOT into making small talk. The first thing she said to us was "do you want to know the baby's sex?" Both my husband and I simultaneously replied "YES!". She then said, "Well I'm not going to tell you today, but I will write it on your chart and you can call your doctor's office next week to find out." You know I will be calling first thing on Monday!

But those are not the important details of this post. These are:

-The baby measured "good" and "normal" (tech's exact words) on all counts according to the technician.
-The baby was moving all around, kicking and punching and being extra cute.
-The baby had all its parts and organs, right where they should be, and everything looked great.
-At one point, the baby reached up to suck its thumb, which made both D and me just melt.
-The baby measured one day ahead (19w3d) of its actual gestational age (19w2d). This bumps my due date ahead by one day but really, how often do babies actually arrive on their due date? (Answer: 5% of the time) I'm still keeping my original due date of August 17, 2008, although I guess technically now we can expect our little one on August 16, 2008 instead.

I was so mesmerized by seeing the baby, I forgot to ask the tech to measure my cervical length. I'm kicking myself about it now. I don't know if they automatically measure it or only if you ask them to. Either way, I'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and ask about it. Or maybe I won't. The numbers freaked me out so much last time, maybe it's better if I don't know the details and instead just accept those two most wonderful words ever uttered in broken english by a Chinese sonographer: "Good" and "Normal".

On a side note, the technician did let us get a good long look at the baby's "in between the legs" area and based on my "internet ultrasound observational expertise", I am pretty darn convinced we're having a girl. We'll know for sure next week!

I'll post some pictures from the scan tomorrow. No offense to any of you out there in blogland who are currently pregnant or have babies, but I gotta say - my kiddo is the Absolute Cutest Baby Ever. Consider yourselves fairly warned.

A Heart-Racing-Dry-Mouth-Clammy-Hands Kind Of Nervous

2008-03-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

Only one more sleep until the big ultrasound. T minus 29.5 hours.

I am a complete and utter nervous wreck at the moment.

I wish, hope and pray that everything goes well and that we hear nothing but good news about our Scrappy. I’m finding myself incapable of concentrating, or even thinking about anything else. I’m putting off all other thoughts and decisions until after the ultrasound. My attention is a white-hot laser beam of focus right now and I find myself barely capable of going through through the motions of being at work; I am not at all present.

I just called my husband and babbled something completely incoherent to him. I have no idea what I was trying to say and now both of us are confused. What a state I'm in. I feel like I'm going insane.

Every minute that ticks by feels like at least 20. Could it even be possible that time is going backwards??

By the time 4:30pm tomorrow rolls around, it is entirely likely that I will have dissolved into some sort of hideous, crazy buzzing neon foam entity.

Behold, Hilary in just 29 hours from now (note the buff arms and atrophied legs due to the prolonged cultivation of my 'fight or flight' anxiety response):

19 Weeks Today

2008-03-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Wow almost half-way there! Crazy how sometimes time really does seem like it's flying.

Scrappy was quite active yesterday and I felt more taps and flutters than I've felt any other day so far. In fact, at one point Scrappy moved, and I quickly put my hand on the spot where I felt the movement. A few seconds later, s/he did it again and I could feel it, albeit lightly, from the outside. So cool. D had just left the room so unfortunately he missed the show. I am really excited for the day that D will be able to feel our baby move from the outside. I think he is too.

While I'm trying to remain positive and optimistic, I am pretty much FREAKING OUT about our upcoming ultrasound on Tuesday. This is "the big one" and is probably the most meaningful milestone during this entire pregnancy so far. I can't help but be nervous and anxious about it. I am also really excited and totally terrified all at the same time. In a nutshell, I'm kind of an emotional wreck about this ultrasound. I think besides the obvious reasons, I am partly so nervous because we've declined all other testing up to now, so this ultrasound also represents the outcome of the triple screen and the AFP test that we never had.

Please let everything go well. Please let our Scrappy show perfect development in all areas. Please let this kid measure right on target. Please let my cervix measure long and closed. Please let my placenta look normal. Please.

If you guys can spare a good thought for us on Tuesday at 4:30pm, I would be sincerely grateful. I am taking the entire day off work on Tuesday because I know I won't be productive. I'll just be curled in a ball in some corner of my house, rocking back and forth, chanting over and over "Oh my G-d, Oh my G-d, Oh my G-d...".

We may or may not find out the gender at this ultrasound. On the one hand, we might get a groovy tech that sees that we're devoted parents and doesn't mind breaking the "20 week law" that we have here in Canada about finding out the gender. (We'll only be 19w2d at the time of the scan.) On the other hand, we could get a really officious tech who doesn't bend or budge on the rules at all. This actually happened to my friend last week who went in for her scan at 19w6d and despite the fact that she was only one day away from 20 weeks, the tech WOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES disclose the sex to her. However, I have another friend that went in at 19w2d and they did end up telling her the baby's gender without hesitation. So as you can see, it could really go either way.

But honestly, finding out the gender, while it would be great, is really not such a big deal to me right now. All I really care about is that Scrappy is healthy and developing properly. Gosh I'm so nervous. Must remember to breathe.

Speaking of developing, take a look at these belly pics - taken at 18w5d. There's no hiding it now!

Sooner Or Later, We Are All Going To Die

2008-03-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the morbid title of this post. This post has been on my mind for some time now and I’ve been trying to find the words to put it together.

I have recently discovered that Nalgene water bottles are dangerous, especially to pregnant women. Now, as I have been using my Nalgene bottle EVERY SINGLE DAY since I’ve been pregnant – filling it up at least twice a day – I was quite ready to dismiss this “warning” and chalk it up to the countless other ridiculous, alarmist warnings that seem to come out of the woodwork during pregnancy.

Unfortunately, as it turns out, the Nalgene scare is real and it is one worth heeding. It has been shown that Nalgene bottles made of #7 plastic do indeed cause harm. A substance called BPA leeches from the plastic and, once in the body, mimics the hormone estrogen and may cause hormone imbalance for the mother and the fetus. Side effects can range from miscarriage, birth defects and genital/sexual problems for the babies, and all sorts of cancers once the children reach puberty and adulthood.

There are numerous factors that can accelerate the leeching of BPA out of the plastic, including letting the water sit in the bottle for long periods of time, exposure to sunlight and washing in the dishwasher (which I have done every week with my bottle). It is also worth mentioning that BPA isn’t limited to Nalgene bottles; you can also find it in a zillion other food packaging-related plastics, almost all “large water cooler bottles”, as well as virtually every canned food in some amount. Studies have shown that something like 93% of every man, woman and child has traces of BPA in their systems.

The reason I post is because I’m finding myself extremely frustrated lately. There are SO MANY foods, activities and items that pregnant women are told to avoid. Some of them are common knowledge, some of them are not. Some of them are truly dangerous, while some warnings are simply overblown, under-researched, alarmist scare-tactics. I learn about a new dangerous “something” I’m supposed to avoid every week it seems and wading through the fact and fiction is tiresome, frustrating and sometimes I just want to cry. All I want to do is take care of this precious life inside me, and it’s proving more challenging that I thought. It isn’t as simple as “eating right” anymore. There are levels of complexity to being pregnant and friends, I am utterly daunted.

Here is a brief list of some of the foods/activities/items I’ve heard or read we’re “supposed” to avoid as pregnant women. Some of these are real, some not so real.

-Soft Cheese (Unpasteurized)
-Deli Meats
-Raw Meats, Raw Eggs, Raw Fish
-Peanuts
-Non-Organic Dairy and Meats
-Salad Bars, Packaged Salads
-Soft Serve Ice Cream
-Smoked Fish, Smoked Meat
-Alcohol
-Herbal Teas
-Underwire Bras
-Canned Tuna
-Sleeping On Your Back
-Tap Water
-Bottled Water
-Paint Fumes, Chemical Fumes
-Lifting More Than 20 Pounds
-Sitting In The Hot Sun
-Squatting
-Bubble Bath
-X-Rays
-Ripe Green Fruit
-Lotions Containing Vitamin A
-Nalgene Bottles
-Pineapple
-GMO Soy
-Close Contact With Sheep
-Douching
-Nitrates
-Aspartame and Other Sweeteners
-Kitty Litter
-Ultrasound/Fetal Doppler
-Aspirin and OTC medication
-Hot Tubs/Saunas
-Hair Dye
-Nail Polish/Nail Polish Remover
-Caffeine
-MSG (Monosodium Glutimate)
-Stress

Which ones do YOU believe?
What other pregnancy no-no’s have YOU heard?

I am beyond frustrated to the point of just having to laugh at this whole thing. It seems no matter how hard I try, I am always doing something wrong. I not even 5 months into this parenting thing and I’ve already screwed up more times than I can count. It seems impossible that I could have a normal, healthy baby with all the packaged salad, Doppler sessions and Nalgene water I’ve subjected this poor kid to. It’s overwhelming separating fact from fiction and I just can’t keep up.

I ASK YOU: Are we, as pregnant women, supposed to live in a glass case existing on nothing but organic broccoli and boiled tap water? I certainly don’t know the answers, but I can tell you that in the meantime, I’m ditching my Nalgene bottle and buying a stainless steel one.

I’d love to hear your opinions on this subject, as well as any other real or ridiculous pregnancy no-no’s you’ve heard.

18 Weeks Today

2008-03-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy and exhausting weekend, I am just getting ready to head up to bed but wanted to post a quick update before the end of the day. We got all new appliances delivered on Saturday BUT not installed. They took away our old appliances and the new ones are sitting in our living room. If all goes well the installations will happen, one by one, over the next couple of weeks.

I'm finding it a tad frustrating living without appliances. I thought it would be easier. It's amazing how dependent I've become on having a dishwasher, oven, microwave and refrigerator. We are basically living on take out food and single-serve meals, which is fine for a couple of days but will most certainly get old fast. Ah well, I'm quite certain it will all be worth it in the end; our new appliances are gorgeous. In the meantime, our living room looks like the showroom at El Furniture Warehouse.

Nothing new to report on the pregnancy front, which I think it is a good thing if you adhere to the notion that no news is good news. Scrappy's movements are still very, VERY random and infrequent, but hopefully they will pick up now that I'm 18 weeks. Everyone is telling me to be patient, which I finding to be a challenge, as I am so looking forward to feeling our little one move around all the time. With very few exceptions, most the movements I've felt thus far have been so vague that while I think it's the baby, I can't be 100% sure. I can't wait to feel lots of movements and be sure and certain about them.

Other than that, I'm into a new peeing phase of this pregnancy. I feel like I have to go ALL the time, but when I go, very little comes out. I think the baby is hanging out on my bladder.

Lastly, good readers, I leave you with this: My usually coin-sized areolas have recently grown to the size of sand dollars. I discovered this sudden development whilst I was changing into my pajamas a few nights back. I couldn't believe my eyes - I had to make D take a look to ensure that I wasn't hallucinating. Unfortunately, D excitedly thought this might be an invitation to touch the girls, but no, his advances were dismissed but fast. We are on a strictly look-but-don't-touch program these days.

Good night!

A Fuzzy Rainbow-Coloured Easter Bunny Peace Offering

2008-03-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had my OB/GYN appointment yesterday and much to my relief, all went well not only with the appointment but also with Dr. R. Although I was reassured by Monday’s phone call from her nurse, I was still a little unsure if Dr. R was upset with what I had done (please see Friday’s post for full story). To help counteract any negative feelings, I had brought two fuzzy rainbow-coloured Easter bunny toys for her girls. I thought that if she was mad at me, it would be hard to stay mad at someone bearing fuzzy rainbow-coloured Easter bunnies. But she wasn’t mad at all and the Easter bunnies were appreciated.

I’m happy to finally, once and for all, put that stupid stunt behind me and get on with life. Trust me on this one, the lesson was learned.

The rest of the appointment went, very well actually. As usual, I had tons of questions and concerns but Dr. R put each and every one of them to rest. She even re-checked my cervix (manually) because I have been so concerned about it and said it felt long and closed. Let’s hope it stays that way! My cervix will also be re-checked at “the big ultrasound” on March 25th.

Oh my goodness I already so extremely nervous for “the big ultrasound”. 12 days and counting. Eeek!

Scrappy’s movements have continued to be erratic at best. I thought I felt some flutters yesterday but it’s so hard to tell. I’m finding it frustrating because I really, REALLY want to feel steady constant movements and even though I know better, I’m worried because we’re not there yet. A flutter or two every 2-3 days seems to be what I’m getting right now. I know Scrappy’s up to something in there because I’ve heard his beautiful heartbeat several times already but is he growing? At 17.5 weeks, why aren’t I feeling more? Am I being impatient here??

An Idea That Sprung Forth at 1:00AM

2008-03-12T07:06:00.001-07:00

I was being a total TWAT yesterday. That's right, I said it. I was just in a bad mood, but I don't like complaining like that. Especially to YOU guys. My apologies. I did end up leaving work an hour early and going home for a sweet nap. I slept HARD. I needed it.

As I was tossing and turning last night, trying to get comfortable, I had the most incredible idea for an invention. Let's call it the "Pregnancy Mattress". I think it will be an insert that goes on the top of your mattress. The idea is that it will have holes cut out of it for your breasts and belly, thus allowing one to sleep on their stomach - WITHOUT annoying pressure on all the parts of your body that are sticking out. Being a habitual stomach sleeper, I am having a really hard time not sleeping on my belly and just can't seem to get really comfortable in any other position.

And perhaps this little magical contraption could double as a nursing pillow? Yeah, you could put the mattress on your lap and stick your baby in the tummy hole and wedge him right up to your breast. Uh huh! Yes, I do believe I'm on to something here!

The only drawback is that if this would work, you'd have to sleep a good 1-2 ft higher than your partner. But that's okay, it puts you that much further from the source of snoring. Yes! The Pregnancy Mattress! C'mon!!!

Do I hear any investors out there??

Crap Crap Double Crap [Edited - TWICE!]

2008-03-11T14:20:00.001-07:00

At work right now.

I am crabby. I have a headache. My neck and shoulders are tight. I am exhausted. I am uncomfortable in my clothes. I am so over this work thing. I have most definitely chosen the wrong bra. I am teeming with pregnancy hormones.

I think I might feel better if I got to feel some baby movement. I didn't feel anything yesterday and nothing so far today. I know it's still so early and I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it. I even did the whole orange juice thing (and I NEVER drink juice) but it was to no avail.

All I want to do is go home right now and take a nap.

I am seriously in a bad mood. Watch out Vancouver. Don't even f*ck with me.

Blech.

[Edit 1:] To clarify, in NO WAY am I complaining about being pregnant. It is the best thing in the world and I'm so incredibly grateful for it. I'm just crabby in general. Momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my momma said...

[Edit 2:] It's about 20 minutes later and I'm re-reading my post and giggling about how dramatic I can be. I am really so ridiculous sometimes.

Unscathed? Fiasco Update...

2008-03-10T10:00:00.001-07:00

Well folks, I think the stars are aligned for me right now because I just may possibly have come out of Friday's "incident" unscathed. I can't believe it.

I just got a call from the nurse at Dr. R's office. The very same nurse I spoke with on Friday. She said, "I confirmed with Dr. R that indeed there is a locum coming in next week so I went ahead and moved your appointment up to [this] Wednesday [March 12th]." I thanked her and asked if Dr. R was upset with me for being such a "scheduling nazi" [insert awkward laughing ha ha] and she said no.

So no one seems to be upset with me and I got an earlier appointment WITH MY REGULAR DOCTOR to boot.

This seems all too good to be true. Is it possible I got out of this without any sh*t fallout or repercussions? In any case, I'll be making a point of profusely thanking both the nurse and Dr. R when I see them on Wednesday. I may even bring in a little gift for the office (box of chocolates?). Or perhaps that's overkill.

In other news, I haven't felt Scrappy moving that much over the last two days. I know it's still early (17w1d) and I did check the baby with the Doppler yesterday so I'm pretty sure everything is fine. But I can't help from feeling the teeny-tiniest bit concerned. Hopefully there will be more action later today.

Also, my breasts are KILLING me right now. Their mere existance equals pain. And they're even bigger than before! Last night while watching TV, I went to scratch an itch in my armpit and inadvertently squeezed my poor unsuspecting breast. I almost jumped off the couch in pain and D said I was howling as if I'd been stabbed. Ah, the surprising aches and pains in pregnancy....I'm loving ever minute of it.

17 Weeks Today

2008-03-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

17 weeks pregnant today (yay!) ... Not too much to report at the moment, I'm enjoying a lazy Sunday.

My mum came over yesterday to help clean (read: totally take over the cleaning of) our second bedroom which is destined to become the baby's room. She did a great job, and after a couple of hours and a trip to the Salvation Army, I can finally say that room is nearly ready to start furnishing with baby stuff. Thank you, MUM!

As for Friday's "incident", thank you all for your input. I am hoping that I'll get really lucky and everything blows right over with nary a minute of sh*t fallout to rain down upon me and my worry-weary soul. We shall see. I'll definitely keep you all posted over the next week or so.

I feel out of it. The time change has really screwed with my brain!

Icky Situation - Need An Outsider's Opinion

2008-03-07T16:50:00.000-08:00

Most of you probably aren’t aware of this, unless you’ve read my blog from the very beginning. My OB/GYN is also my boss’s wife. It’s a long story how I came to be her patient, but it was essentially due to my boss kindly “calling in a favour”. I’ve been my boss’s wife’s patient since my first pregnancy, so I guess for about a year now.

I am very careful to keep the relationships separate. I don’t talk to my boss about appointments with his wife and I don’t talk to my doctor about work stuff. For all intensive purposes – my boss and my doctor are not even related in my mind.

However, today, I think I may have crossed an inappropriate line and I need your opinion.

I am my boss’s executive assistant. Today, he forwarded me an email from his wife noting the days that she would be travelling out of town and he asked me to put these dates in his calendar. No problem, right? Well, I happen to notice that one of the dates she will be out of town just so happens to be the very same date that I have an appointment scheduled with her.

So, with that in mind, I called my doctor’s office and asked if my doctor (boss’s wife) would be available for my appointment or if I would be seeing a locum. Her nurse assured me she would be available and didn’t know why I was asking. I informed her that I work for her husband and I have become privy to some dates that she plans to be out of town and I wanted to reschedule my upcoming appointment if that was the case. The nurse said she had not heard this and would have to check with my doctor and get back to me, adding, “Well if that’s the case, then I’ve got a huge scheduling mess to clean up because no one told me she’d be gone!” Yikes.

My heart fell into my shoes. I suddenly came to the very yucky realization that I may have crossed that boss’s wife/Hilary’s doctor line that I try so hard not to tread on. In other words, if I didn’t work for my boss, I’d have no idea that my doctor was planning to be away. I feel weird and icky and stalker-ish for calling the nurse about it. It’s just that I am comfortable with MY doctor and I don’t want to see anyone else. She is very good, knows my history and is kind to my insanity. If she’s going to be away then I would like to reschedule my appointment.

Typing this out, it sounds less bad than it seems in my head.

Anyway, then I started wondering if inadvertently cancelled my next appointment (Wednesday March 19th) by suggesting with the nurse that I reschedule. As far as I know I don’t have a new appointment time and my doctor is very hard to get in to see. Did the nurse actually delete my original appointment when I called asking to reschedule? Do I still have an appointment? Is anyone going to see me? Did I just f*ck things up royally?

Not wanting to be a further pest, I decided to wait for the nurse to call me back as she promised. I waited and waited all day. Knowing that the office closed at 4pm, I called around 3:45 just to “check in” to see about my appointment. No answer. The office had closed early for the weekend. I guess I have to wait until Monday to sort out this fiasco.

So my friends, tell me:
In your opinion, did I cross the fine and sensitive line between being my doctor’s patient and my boss’s assistant? Do you think I might have just gotten myself into some trouble with one or both of the parties? Were my actions inappropriate or I am freakin’ over nuthin’? Why do I feel so icky about this?
Please be honest, you won’t hurt my feelings, I really want to know from an outsider’s perspective what this looks like.

Thoughtlings

2008-03-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

The little flutters I was feeling have continued, albeit very sporadically. There are very long periods between those quick seconds of movement, and sometimes I go a whole day without feeling a thing. I am very much looking forward to when Scrappy’s movements are strong and consistent. D is especially excited to feel the kicks from the outside. At this point, while I’m pretty sure what I’m feeling is indeed the baby moving, I can’t be 100% sure because it’s so brief and random and usually feels akin to a quick inner-tickle.

I’m finding work to be a real challenge for me these days and not because it’s difficult or stressful or anything. Well okay, yeah, it is a bit stressful but nothing I can’t handle. It’s just so hard to focus on work stuff when my mind is so completely focused on the baby. I am literally counting the days until I go on maternity leave (12 weeks and 1 day!). It’s a thrilling feeling to know that after that, I will be done with work for the foreseeable future. Good stuff. I feel bad for D though, having to continue slaving away to support his family. His work is really stressful but at least he gets paid through the nose to do it.

Our big anatomy scan is in about 2 and half weeks and of course, I’m going through my usual routine of getting more and more anxious every day as it looms closer. I am really excited about it at the same time, though. It’s a weird combination. I just hope everything goes well and the baby is developing normally. Secondarily I hope that we get to find out the gender, but that is far less important to me at this time.

Speaking of gender, I still have absolutely no inkling about what we’re having. I don’t know if this means anything, but when I dream of the baby I always dream of a girl. However, I just read a study that said that 56% of IVF babies are male. This is due to the fact that male embryos’ cells divide more quickly than girls and these fast-dividing embryos are the ones that are usually chosen for transfer. Who knew? But I really think it could go either way.

I used to think it was such a cliché when pregnant women would tout the old standby “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, just as long as the baby is healthy”. I’d think to myself, “Ah c’mon you KNOW you have a preference!” But now, I understand how they feel because it’s exactly how I feel. Turns out it’s not a cliché, it’s a matter of priorities. Strangely, gender actually doesn’t matter at all.

Anyway, sorry if you’ve fallen asleep while reading these boring random thoughtlings plucked from the brain of this hormone-addled Canadian gal…

PS- By the way, I’m totally breaking out. 16 weeks pregnant and my face looks like a pizza right now. I thought this was supposed to be the “glowing” trimester!

Ask & You Shall Receive

2008-03-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

I want to document this. Today, at 16w2d, I believe I have felt Scrappy moving. Actually, I felt it yesterday too but I couldn’t be sure of what it was until I felt it a little more.

I’m pretty sure what I’m feeling is indeed fetal movement; I can’t think of how to describe it except to say that it feels a bit like a gas bubble, but in the wrong place - more towards the surface of my lower abdomen rather than in my intestines, where gas is usually felt. Another way to describe the feeling is like major butterflies or a weird muscle spasm – it's a sensation that would be impossible to go unnoticed.

I love this. My baby is moving. It’s nothing short of magic. Whoop! There it goes again!!

---

In other news (thought not nearly as exciting), I just have to share this. I’ve taken a huge step in my constant effort to try to stave off my crazy levels of anxiety.

Flipping through the pages of Pregnancy magazine after work (love the pregnancy mags), I ran across an article about the horrors of preterm birth. Skimming down the list of “risk factors”, I found that one of the primary indications for preterm birth is a SINGLETON pregnancy by IVF. Of course, I flew into a panic and immediately made an appointment with Dr. Google, who had no reassuring words for me and in fact, managed to exacerbate my fears and concerns.

By the time poor D got home from work (late, after a long excruciating meeting), I had worked myself into a lather. I told myself I wouldn’t bring it up with him, I didn’t want to spread the worry...but before he could even take his coat off, I was regaling him with quotes from what I’d read and pushing the Pregnancy magazine article in his face for him to read.

I calmed myself down enough to get through the remainder of the evening by assuring myself that I would ask my doctor about it in two weeks when I go for my regular appointment, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it right then and there. We ate dinner, watched TV and went to bed early. But unfortunately, I dreamed all night of preterm labour and bad news.

This morning I woke up crabby. I re-read some of the articles that I had poured over last night, in hopes that I would find some reassurance that I was too worked up to see the night before. The reassurance came, but not from the articles. It came from me and my own logical brain. As if a bright light bulb was turned on. Duh. Once I thought about things with my head and not my emotions, making sense of this newfound “scary” discovery was easy.

Q- Who are, most commonly, the recipients of IVF?
A- People with fertility problems or “older” women who have passed their most fertile time.

And of course, people with these issues are, in general, more predisposed to preterm delivery anyway. It all made sense.

Now that’s not to say that I am not at any risk for pregnancy and delivery problems, just because I’m 31 and my main fertility issue is PCOS. Anyone can have problems at any stage, predisposed to issues or not. Nothing is risk free in the world of baby making; not for IVF pregnancies, or ART pregnancies, and not even for natural pregnancies. My point in all these meandering ramblings is that for once, I have let my brain take over where my crazy emotions left off. Logic won out, for the first time in my pregnancy.

And guess what? I feel better.

16 Weeks Today

2008-03-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

16 weeks = 4 MONTHS!!! Cool, huh?

I feel like I can officially start referring to my pregnancy progression in months now, instead of weeks. That's a cool milestone in and of itself, I think.

The baby shower today went off without a hitch. It was a small group of girls, but all very nice and it seemed like everyone had a good time. Most importantly, I think L really appreciated it.

---

...Drumroll please...

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for: Behold the belly pics, as promised. The progression is slow, and still not much to speak of, but I think I'm finally starting to show a little tiny bit. Here goes...

8 Weeks Pregnant

9 Weeks Pregnant

10 Weeks Pregnant

11 Weeks Pregnant

12 Weeks Pregnant

13 Weeks Pregnant

14 Weeks Pregnant

15 Weeks Pregnant

16 Weeks Pregnant

...And there you have it! More photos to come as the baby and the belly continue to grow...

Waiting To Be Kicked

2008-02-29T12:03:00.000-08:00

15w5d today and finding myself DESPERATE to feel some movement from little Scrappy in there. So many of the blogs I’ve read report feeling movement around this time and I’m wondering when it will happen for me. Okay, okay, I know I’m being impatient here – my doctor and all the books say that for a first kiddo, you shouldn’t expect movement until 18 weeks or so. But I like to think that Scrappy is advanced so I’m hoping for sooner. Plus, I am ultra tuned-in to my uterus these days so hopefully that will speed things up.

I *thought* I had felt a few little flutters over the last couple of weeks, but who knows? I have no idea what I’m feeling for. Could very well have been gas for goodness sake. All I know is that I CAN’T WAIT to feel our little one’s kicks on a regular basis. That, my friends, will be truly exciting.

I’m still at this in-between stage where I don’t quite look pregnant, but I definitely look “thick”. I am really looking forward to having a big ol’ belly. I have been having D take “belly pictures” of me every Sunday and once I feel like I’m looking noticeably pregnant, then I will post the series. One thing I can say for sure is that my tummy area is really, REALLY itchy, despite the fact that I slather moisturizer on my entire torso every morning. That’s one thing about pregnancy that no one ever warns you about – the itching! I guess I am happy about it because it must mean I’m growing, right?

I would now like to take this opportunity to once again, sing the praises of my fetal Doppler. Every time I’ve felt anxiety or worry about little Scrappy, I am instantly reassured by a quick blast with the Doppler. I. LOVE. IT. It has helped me to have a more confident pregnancy, which is so invaluable. Granted, it doesn’t erase ALL my worries (I’m still paranoid about having an incompetent cervix and going into pre-term labour, not to mention anxieties about the baby not developing properly or getting an infection, or heaven forbid what if the umbilical cord wraps around the baby’s neck???…*clears throat*, but I digress...) but it really does keep me from losing my mind on a daily basis. Plus, I’m getting good at using the Doppler – I can usually find little Scrappy’s heartbeat instantly. Such a gorgeous sound.

I read a really great quote yesterday which totally made me smile: “Babies are conceived to be born, and children are born to live.” In other words, little ones are tough – and everything in them is fighting to be healthy and strong and grow and live. What a wonderful realization.